I thought it would get easier after 3 years but it hasn’t. The sound of your sweet voice lingers in the chambers of my heart, and your impish smile is imprinted on my mind. Nothing prepares you for this kind of loss. Nothing. It’s irrational, I know, but I want the whole world to feel your loss with the same intensity as I. And as I grieve, the world spins madly on.
Forever loved and missed by Mom, Zech, Emma and Hanna
Monday, November 30, 2009
Tuesday, November 10, 2009
November... floating along in pink sunshine
3 years ago Zoe died and for the first time my heart knew fear.. if it could happen to her, it could happen... real, honest to god, chocking when you breathe, fear... I was never on the verge of loosing.. not like that.... then 3 weeks later, my world came to a complete stand still.. and my heart knew pain.. deep, searing unfathomable pain... and 3 years has flown by and it still seems like yesterday... I miss you more today than yesterday... I miss you.. I really, really miss you!
Saturday, October 10, 2009
slow and easy....
My life moves at incredible speed.... do I do it, or is that just this lifetimes theme?
So much happens in a short period of time and yet I feel slow and calm inside... this is the gift that purpose has given me, and I am grateful. As I move into Fall I am reminded of gratitude, kindness and abundance.... and I revel in the joy that comes from living with the knowledge that the Universe will given me all that I need to learn and grow in Spirit... that all that I need, I already have.
I am working almost everyday at the Centre, trying to get caught up on bills after having been away for a year. And at the same time I am building my client base, doing case studies and spending time with my children. I am creating home healing parties, teaching Reiki, and working on a series of Chakra workshops.
Reiki- during my Master attunement I was told that I was being called to teach.. to bring Reiki to those who came to me to learn... little did I know that once I accepted this directive, people would come. The group that presented this month are Women living in Poverty, their payment is community service... pay it forward!
This past month I gave free 15 minute intuitive Reiki session at an Envirofair and I was both nervous and exhilarated. Like all things that comes to me by intuition, I trusted its rightness and it was a success. I had not used Reiki in this way before and was surprised at how effective it was for focused treatment of illness. I am now using it along with Medical Intuition, and it application has been profound.
I attended an amazing workshop on angel communication and am overjoyed that I can channel Angels during treatments. Angels and Spirit Guides, Totems and messages... it truly is amazing to connect with Spirit. My joy comes from being allowed to witness healing and growth, and each time I do I heal and grow through the experience.
I have started doing home parties as well.. like Tupperware but for energy healing... each party can be customized to suit the host and guests... let me know if you would like to arrange one!
Speaking of Tupperware... I have developed this fascination with old school pieces... it happened at the office... a bunch of things were donated and I saw this little pink cup with the white lid (you know the one, probably from the 60's) and I had to have it... I asked my boss, because we never take the donations for ourselves... and she said, "Sure, that is the garbage pile Patty".... hehe... the little cup was stained and worn from years of use.. I brought it home and gently cleaned it with mild soap and a toothbrush and it gleamed... I have made room for it with my good china... there is something fabulous about a kitchen piece with a story of it's own... I am not sure why I am collecting it, but a new collection has begun!
As the turkey thaws I give thanks... for all that I have AND all that I have lost.. through each I grow in Spirit and this brings me closer to PEACE.
So much happens in a short period of time and yet I feel slow and calm inside... this is the gift that purpose has given me, and I am grateful. As I move into Fall I am reminded of gratitude, kindness and abundance.... and I revel in the joy that comes from living with the knowledge that the Universe will given me all that I need to learn and grow in Spirit... that all that I need, I already have.
I am working almost everyday at the Centre, trying to get caught up on bills after having been away for a year. And at the same time I am building my client base, doing case studies and spending time with my children. I am creating home healing parties, teaching Reiki, and working on a series of Chakra workshops.
Reiki- during my Master attunement I was told that I was being called to teach.. to bring Reiki to those who came to me to learn... little did I know that once I accepted this directive, people would come. The group that presented this month are Women living in Poverty, their payment is community service... pay it forward!
This past month I gave free 15 minute intuitive Reiki session at an Envirofair and I was both nervous and exhilarated. Like all things that comes to me by intuition, I trusted its rightness and it was a success. I had not used Reiki in this way before and was surprised at how effective it was for focused treatment of illness. I am now using it along with Medical Intuition, and it application has been profound.
I attended an amazing workshop on angel communication and am overjoyed that I can channel Angels during treatments. Angels and Spirit Guides, Totems and messages... it truly is amazing to connect with Spirit. My joy comes from being allowed to witness healing and growth, and each time I do I heal and grow through the experience.
I have started doing home parties as well.. like Tupperware but for energy healing... each party can be customized to suit the host and guests... let me know if you would like to arrange one!
Speaking of Tupperware... I have developed this fascination with old school pieces... it happened at the office... a bunch of things were donated and I saw this little pink cup with the white lid (you know the one, probably from the 60's) and I had to have it... I asked my boss, because we never take the donations for ourselves... and she said, "Sure, that is the garbage pile Patty".... hehe... the little cup was stained and worn from years of use.. I brought it home and gently cleaned it with mild soap and a toothbrush and it gleamed... I have made room for it with my good china... there is something fabulous about a kitchen piece with a story of it's own... I am not sure why I am collecting it, but a new collection has begun!
As the turkey thaws I give thanks... for all that I have AND all that I have lost.. through each I grow in Spirit and this brings me closer to PEACE.
Saturday, August 15, 2009
A newer beginning?
This past month, getting settled in at home and working many jobs, has been hectic and time consuming. I am starting a new, full-time job, on Monday which should give me more financial security and a schedule in which to begin to plan my life around. I am excitedly working on the clinic, have ordered promotional material, am almost decorated, and have a website in the making (www.solutions4healing.ca) thanks to Julie's brother Gerard:-, and I have started seeing clients... which I am abundantly grateful for. This past week I was attuned to another lineage of Reiki, at all 3 levels, and my channel feels even more open, thank you Michael my darling friend!
And today the sun is shinning and laundry beckons, it is my only day off so I am going to get out there and enjoy it!
change of plans.. I just got called into the shelter for work... I guess today is going to be a spa day for Homeless women!
And today the sun is shinning and laundry beckons, it is my only day off so I am going to get out there and enjoy it!
change of plans.. I just got called into the shelter for work... I guess today is going to be a spa day for Homeless women!
Saturday, August 8, 2009
thoughts as I teach Reiki....
desired ending
the Soul, ravaged by years of miss-use (missed/used),
becomes resplendent in it’s quest for the light.
the Soul, ravaged by years of miss-use (missed/used),
becomes resplendent in it’s quest for the light.
Sunday, August 2, 2009
August already....
Finally the sun.. how amazing she is to lift our spirits and bring us out of the doldrums! Flowers are blooming and the lawn is a deep verdant green... I want to just sit and stare at it.. but then I would see all the trimming and edging and weed pulling that needs to be done.. hehe a gardeners work is never done:-)
The clinic is coming along very very nicely.. pale moss green in color and yesterday I found the perfect deep purple material to make curtains from.. I am happy!
I am slowly getting settled in at home and loving being back with my family and friends... what an amazing journey my life is, and I am very grateful for that!
I have a new website thanks to Gerard and Michael, Julie's brothers and it is sure to be cool.... www.solutions4healing.ca it will be up and running in a week or so:-)
The clinic is coming along very very nicely.. pale moss green in color and yesterday I found the perfect deep purple material to make curtains from.. I am happy!
I am slowly getting settled in at home and loving being back with my family and friends... what an amazing journey my life is, and I am very grateful for that!
I have a new website thanks to Gerard and Michael, Julie's brothers and it is sure to be cool.... www.solutions4healing.ca it will be up and running in a week or so:-)
Monday, July 20, 2009
really...
here I am, caught up again
no really, trapped in the net
using it as a crutch
sticking with the familiar
but this time the Universe will not let me
and I am grateful for that
no really, trapped in the net
using it as a crutch
sticking with the familiar
but this time the Universe will not let me
and I am grateful for that
Saturday, July 4, 2009
today....
it is early and everyone is still asleep... this is how it always was.. me early in the morning, the air cool and still, no sound or movement, save the keys on the computer... dishes now done and I am on the computer trying to think of something profound to say... I am fitting back in easily, making it my own once again.. things have not gone as smoothly as I would have hoped, but that is life sometimes. I am feeling comfortable in my grove and happy to be back in it:-)
Tonight the kids are having a welcome home party, it will mostly be their friends... hehe but I am glad of it and grateful.
Tonight the kids are having a welcome home party, it will mostly be their friends... hehe but I am glad of it and grateful.
Thursday, July 2, 2009
Sunday, June 28, 2009
Saying good bye is hard to do...
I am packed and the last of my good byes is this evening and tomorrow morning I head for home in New Brunswick... what a year this has been... I am very grateful for everyone's support and help this past year... I could not have done it without you! Special thanks to Julie for putting up with me for the year here in Toronto and to Teresa for taking such good care of things on the home front... I will miss my Toronto friends and going to school each day but am excited for what lies ahead of me as I embark upon this new healing career!
Love and hugs
Patty
Love and hugs
Patty
Saturday, June 20, 2009
Eulogies and Graduations...
Not only did Hanna look beautiful, but was amazing this week end.. actually all the kids were... with style and caring they bounced from wake to Prom to Funeral to Graduation.. I am so very proud... tonight the Courtyard Party.. time to let some of this GO!!
Eulogy....
Cody came into our lives very unexpectedly and at a time when we needed him most. That seemed to be his way with all things. He just showed up when WE needed him and knew what to say or what to do to help US feel better. That was one of his many gifts, unselfishness. He expected very little for himself and no matter how much pain he had he rarely ever complained.
He had a quiet and gentle way of listening and watching what was going on around each of us and then he would come up with a powerful solution to whatever problem we had. And he was not afraid of the BIG problems either. With mature words he guided and soothed our broken hearts. He carried a heavy burden for many of us and there are some who are alive today because of his friendship.
Then there was that LOUD side to Cody. That side that would not back down in a fight and stood by your side regardless of expected outcomes. He did not think of his safety or run and hide, he just acted in what he knew was in the best interest of the person he was defending. And this gift is a rare one indeed and served him well as he waged his own war against cancer, that gift is a fighter’s spirit and courage beyond human expectations.
I once told him that he was my Jesus and he did not blink an eye, he knew what I meant and took it as the compliment it was. That I was acknowledging his ability to be A self-sacrificing compassionate teacher filled with unparalleled Love and kindness. Traits that we all struggle to possess, he had in abundance. He knew that what I saw in him was wisdom far beyond his years and I was honored to sit at his feet to learn from him.
As I sat by Cody’s hospital bed, I watched a steady stream of people of all ages come to support him. It was there I realized that I was not the only person he taught, saved, and loved. This fact was further confirmed when I joined 3 Memorial Facebook groups with over 1000 members and began to read the many entries commending his virtues…. I found myself specifically drawn to the.. “What do you Like about Cody Armstrong”… section of one page… and here is a sample of what I read…
“What do I like about Cody...Well where do I start!! OMG I would have to say everything...there's like nothing not to like about him!!! I love how no matter what happens he still smiles and stays positive...I also love that no matter what his friends go through. He is always there for them...THANKS Cody!!!”
“He’s an awesome person... He’s fun, cool, caring... He keeps his head up when times get hard and he fights his way through, He’s a very strong person. He NEVER gives up.”
“One of the things I like best about Cody is that he has a really big heart and is kind to everyone. He is strong and nothing can stop him when he wants something he goes for it and wont stop until he gets it ♥”
“Cody you are like a brother 2 me and one of the strongest people I have ever met and ever will, I love you man.”
“Cody is one of the strongest people I know!! He is my hero...His strength is to be admired. His courage is beyond most!!
I also admire his loving heart, his determination. Cody is loved from coast to coast!! Cody your spirit, your strength creates hope for us all.”
Out of all of these remarkable comments, the most often used words were compassionate, loving, a true friend, a hero, courageous, strong, fearless, positive, supportive, and generous. Our friend was all of those things, and more. We all have many great memories of Cody and my hope is that we will all keep on sharing them and celebrating him. I believe that through sharing our stories of Cody we will continue to learn and grow from his example and continue his legacy of LOVE.
As I was writing this an old saying came to mind…
“When you were born, you cried and the world rejoiced. Live your life so that when you die, the world cries and you rejoice.”
That is how our darling boy lived his life. In service to others and that is qualified by the amount of people who are here today to wish him God Speed and to share in mourning with those he held dear. He always did get a crowd… and like he always said, “When ya got it ya got it!”
Love and Hugs Patty
Eulogy....
Cody came into our lives very unexpectedly and at a time when we needed him most. That seemed to be his way with all things. He just showed up when WE needed him and knew what to say or what to do to help US feel better. That was one of his many gifts, unselfishness. He expected very little for himself and no matter how much pain he had he rarely ever complained.
He had a quiet and gentle way of listening and watching what was going on around each of us and then he would come up with a powerful solution to whatever problem we had. And he was not afraid of the BIG problems either. With mature words he guided and soothed our broken hearts. He carried a heavy burden for many of us and there are some who are alive today because of his friendship.
Then there was that LOUD side to Cody. That side that would not back down in a fight and stood by your side regardless of expected outcomes. He did not think of his safety or run and hide, he just acted in what he knew was in the best interest of the person he was defending. And this gift is a rare one indeed and served him well as he waged his own war against cancer, that gift is a fighter’s spirit and courage beyond human expectations.
I once told him that he was my Jesus and he did not blink an eye, he knew what I meant and took it as the compliment it was. That I was acknowledging his ability to be A self-sacrificing compassionate teacher filled with unparalleled Love and kindness. Traits that we all struggle to possess, he had in abundance. He knew that what I saw in him was wisdom far beyond his years and I was honored to sit at his feet to learn from him.
As I sat by Cody’s hospital bed, I watched a steady stream of people of all ages come to support him. It was there I realized that I was not the only person he taught, saved, and loved. This fact was further confirmed when I joined 3 Memorial Facebook groups with over 1000 members and began to read the many entries commending his virtues…. I found myself specifically drawn to the.. “What do you Like about Cody Armstrong”… section of one page… and here is a sample of what I read…
“What do I like about Cody...Well where do I start!! OMG I would have to say everything...there's like nothing not to like about him!!! I love how no matter what happens he still smiles and stays positive...I also love that no matter what his friends go through. He is always there for them...THANKS Cody!!!”
“He’s an awesome person... He’s fun, cool, caring... He keeps his head up when times get hard and he fights his way through, He’s a very strong person. He NEVER gives up.”
“One of the things I like best about Cody is that he has a really big heart and is kind to everyone. He is strong and nothing can stop him when he wants something he goes for it and wont stop until he gets it ♥”
“Cody you are like a brother 2 me and one of the strongest people I have ever met and ever will, I love you man.”
“Cody is one of the strongest people I know!! He is my hero...His strength is to be admired. His courage is beyond most!!
I also admire his loving heart, his determination. Cody is loved from coast to coast!! Cody your spirit, your strength creates hope for us all.”
Out of all of these remarkable comments, the most often used words were compassionate, loving, a true friend, a hero, courageous, strong, fearless, positive, supportive, and generous. Our friend was all of those things, and more. We all have many great memories of Cody and my hope is that we will all keep on sharing them and celebrating him. I believe that through sharing our stories of Cody we will continue to learn and grow from his example and continue his legacy of LOVE.
As I was writing this an old saying came to mind…
“When you were born, you cried and the world rejoiced. Live your life so that when you die, the world cries and you rejoice.”
That is how our darling boy lived his life. In service to others and that is qualified by the amount of people who are here today to wish him God Speed and to share in mourning with those he held dear. He always did get a crowd… and like he always said, “When ya got it ya got it!”
Love and Hugs Patty
Tuesday, June 16, 2009
home and back.. home and back... home
this is the forecast of my next few weeks... I flew home on Thursday to the bedside of our darling friend Cody Armstrong... (April 25, 1990 to June 15, 2009)... I was told he had died.. he had not.. and what an emotional roller coaster... yesterday morning at 10:30am Atlantic he did pass... he battled a rare brain cancer for almost 4 years... what an inspiration.. as I sat in his hospital room a steady stream of teens paraded in and told stories of how he saved them, in one way or another... what a glorious testament to his kindness, caring and compassion... Cody was like my child.. I feel a depth of sadness that defies words... I love him and will miss his friendship!
Wednesday I fly home, again, for Hanna's Prom.. a somber event... Mary will not be with us and Cody was to be her date... his older brother, Corey, who Hanna is dating will step in.. he has some big shoes to fill:-) Then back to Toronto, again on Sunday, and then home for good the following week end... good I need some rest!
Wednesday I fly home, again, for Hanna's Prom.. a somber event... Mary will not be with us and Cody was to be her date... his older brother, Corey, who Hanna is dating will step in.. he has some big shoes to fill:-) Then back to Toronto, again on Sunday, and then home for good the following week end... good I need some rest!
Thursday, May 28, 2009
Birthdays and other milestones!
Today is Hanna and Mary's Birthday.. Hanna is now 18 and marking the days to her Prom... I miss Mary terribly:-( If Mary was alive she would still look the same, Hanna does. I am worried about what will happen when I can no longer imagine her as the age Hanna is.
The theme of this year's courtyard party is Super Hero's.. I want to go as Mary!
My birthday Party was a huge success and Julie and my classmates did it up nice.
I am now a Reiki Master!
School is almost over and I am on information overload.
I am grateful for everything!
I have my tickets to fly home for Hanna's Prom in June.
I am going to the Toronto Symphony Orchestra tonight with Julie.
I am planting a healing garden with my friend Doreen this week end.
I miss home, and you.
The theme of this year's courtyard party is Super Hero's.. I want to go as Mary!
My birthday Party was a huge success and Julie and my classmates did it up nice.
I am now a Reiki Master!
School is almost over and I am on information overload.
I am grateful for everything!
I have my tickets to fly home for Hanna's Prom in June.
I am going to the Toronto Symphony Orchestra tonight with Julie.
I am planting a healing garden with my friend Doreen this week end.
I miss home, and you.
Sunday, May 10, 2009
Mother's Day!!
For the first time, this does not feel bitter sweet.. instead I feel filled with joy and sunshine and gratitude for having been given the gift of children.. Thank You Universe for that trust:-)
Sunday, May 3, 2009
been a long time...
I know I know... it has been awhile.. but in my defense.. school work is challenging and time consuming... I was drunk.. no detoxing.. actually all of the above are plausible, however, the real reason is that I have been swamped with school work and have not really had any thing very interesting to say... I know can you believe it.. hehe
My new loves... color therapy, reflexology and chakra balancing.. and OMG Reiki... hummmm I completed level 2 Reiki and helped to facilitate a Reiki level 1 class with my Master... she calls me her Master in training.. I am doing my Master level on May 23rd... I am very excited about that... I can now do distance healing and it is brilliant and so powerful.. it feels like I am holding the Universe in my hands.. this feat is an amazing gift from the Universe to us little beings... and anyone can learn how... that is the beauty of Reiki... anyone can be attuned... I plan to do lots of that when I come home... I am hoping to attune Mom's and kids and Parents and everyone... Reiki is an amazing healing energy.. well I could go on for hours about it.. I love it that much.. :-)
My time in Toronto is winding down and I am sad because I will miss my friends here who I have grown to love, however, I am excited to be going home and to get back to work and start building my practice and doing workshops on energy and chakras... Hang on to your hats, it is going to be an amazing wild ride!! July 1st!!!
My new loves... color therapy, reflexology and chakra balancing.. and OMG Reiki... hummmm I completed level 2 Reiki and helped to facilitate a Reiki level 1 class with my Master... she calls me her Master in training.. I am doing my Master level on May 23rd... I am very excited about that... I can now do distance healing and it is brilliant and so powerful.. it feels like I am holding the Universe in my hands.. this feat is an amazing gift from the Universe to us little beings... and anyone can learn how... that is the beauty of Reiki... anyone can be attuned... I plan to do lots of that when I come home... I am hoping to attune Mom's and kids and Parents and everyone... Reiki is an amazing healing energy.. well I could go on for hours about it.. I love it that much.. :-)
My time in Toronto is winding down and I am sad because I will miss my friends here who I have grown to love, however, I am excited to be going home and to get back to work and start building my practice and doing workshops on energy and chakras... Hang on to your hats, it is going to be an amazing wild ride!! July 1st!!!
Friday, April 10, 2009
the gut stump...
there is was, larger than life,
smack dab in the middle,
this huge, barely hanging on to life,
dark brown severed stump
with deep roots
that twisted and entwined
organs struggling
slits and cracks
on the not smooth surface
center opening
where I let you attach
siphon draining energy depleting
Yellow filled
reclaimed in Earth
transformed
and released
smack dab in the middle,
this huge, barely hanging on to life,
dark brown severed stump
with deep roots
that twisted and entwined
organs struggling
slits and cracks
on the not smooth surface
center opening
where I let you attach
siphon draining energy depleting
Yellow filled
reclaimed in Earth
transformed
and released
Friday, April 3, 2009
thinking time...
You may, or may not have noticed but I have been a bit of a slacker of late when it comes to posting... but in my defense it is because School is in full swing, case studies are piling up and I am planning a clinic day at the school. Well, we both know I can handle that pressure easily and in true Patty form, everything is up to date and under control (but it is hard work being this organized). The real reason is that I have been in a contemplative state unable to sort some stuff out... triggers abound and I have taken a bite out of each one of them. Then I fall back on that same old comfortable anger pattern focused on him. Today, however, I feel like I have sorted it as far as I need to too make sense of it, to learn from it and to be able to let go of this pattern. And what I have come up with is this... even with all that I know and all that I do the common denominator in this tragedy is me and while I do believe I think in response to him reaching out, continuing to think about it is me. Soooo to let it go I need to say out loud a variation of what I keep thinking, send it back with Gratitude for the learning and let it go.
So here goes...
"There are 2 huge differences between you and I that make it impossible for us to ever be friends again. The first is that your Engineer life is moving in a different direction than mine, and as I come closer to Spirit and Nature I feel farther away from who we were together. The second, and to my human form, the most important: 2 years, 4 Months and 3 days have gone by and a soul friend would not have let that happen without some kind of recognition of my great loss. I want to believe that you do not know the outcome because the later is so hurtful. I know what I would have done if it was your child who died. I would have sent a card and said, I know you said go but I could not let this tragic event happen without saying my heart is hurting for you and your family. But then again you are not me, you are you and I need to let that go with love."
This exercise has shown me that each time something happens to me that triggers my anger I fall back on the same whipping post he done me wrong topic and that sends negative energy out into the world, and quite possibly to this person who is doing as I asked, staying gone, and that is not what I want. I am not sure why I fall back on anger patterns as I make sense of other anger triggers, but I do it and I wanted to put this out into the Universe to let go and make amends for any negative energy I have unconsciously sent.
Today
I am who I am
because yesterday
you were who you were
and that has made all the difference
So today, I let go of all outdated and outmoded emotional responses that do not work for my highest good or bring me closer to living my Soul's purpose. With Love and Gratitude for the learning I let him go.
So here goes...
"There are 2 huge differences between you and I that make it impossible for us to ever be friends again. The first is that your Engineer life is moving in a different direction than mine, and as I come closer to Spirit and Nature I feel farther away from who we were together. The second, and to my human form, the most important: 2 years, 4 Months and 3 days have gone by and a soul friend would not have let that happen without some kind of recognition of my great loss. I want to believe that you do not know the outcome because the later is so hurtful. I know what I would have done if it was your child who died. I would have sent a card and said, I know you said go but I could not let this tragic event happen without saying my heart is hurting for you and your family. But then again you are not me, you are you and I need to let that go with love."
This exercise has shown me that each time something happens to me that triggers my anger I fall back on the same whipping post he done me wrong topic and that sends negative energy out into the world, and quite possibly to this person who is doing as I asked, staying gone, and that is not what I want. I am not sure why I fall back on anger patterns as I make sense of other anger triggers, but I do it and I wanted to put this out into the Universe to let go and make amends for any negative energy I have unconsciously sent.
Today
I am who I am
because yesterday
you were who you were
and that has made all the difference
So today, I let go of all outdated and outmoded emotional responses that do not work for my highest good or bring me closer to living my Soul's purpose. With Love and Gratitude for the learning I let him go.
Sunday, March 22, 2009
March Break at an end...
What a joyful March Break I have had. It started with my dear friend Asma and a few days with she and Aisha... what fun... and her friends are so awesome... we had a spa night and they let me do Reiki on them.. hummm case studies:-) Then it was off to my friend Doreen's and a grand visit with she and her family. Doreen's 5 year old son Ben is still recovering from his Bone Marrow Transplant.. he too had Aplastic Anemia... he is a wonder and a joy.... I will do whatever it takes to hear his laughter.... and oh man does he know it.... our new song is Peppermint Twist... hehe especially the round and around and around part.. hehe
After Doreen's I went to my niece Angela's for 2 nights and her darling girls are a joy... bundles of energy and love... Annelise, age 6, made me a sign to take home.. "Dear Patty, you are adorkable... Love Annelise"... hehe I have to get it framed.. there is no other choice.. it is that cute!! Back to Doreen's for more days of fun and cooking and tye dying and scrapbooking... Thanks to each of them, and their friends and cats and dogs and kids, I completed all of my Reiki case studies... I arrived home this afternoon exhausted, and happy.. friends make life so much sweeter, another thing I am grateful for!!
Back to school tomorrow!!
After Doreen's I went to my niece Angela's for 2 nights and her darling girls are a joy... bundles of energy and love... Annelise, age 6, made me a sign to take home.. "Dear Patty, you are adorkable... Love Annelise"... hehe I have to get it framed.. there is no other choice.. it is that cute!! Back to Doreen's for more days of fun and cooking and tye dying and scrapbooking... Thanks to each of them, and their friends and cats and dogs and kids, I completed all of my Reiki case studies... I arrived home this afternoon exhausted, and happy.. friends make life so much sweeter, another thing I am grateful for!!
Back to school tomorrow!!
Friday, March 6, 2009
Wow X 2= holy camoly!
What a whirlwind of emotions this past week has held. Having the capacity to contact Mary's donor has been a gift. Sharing our stories has had a tremendous healing effect on my heart. Reliving some of Mary's quirks and uniqueness has been so joyful. Grief is a task master, to say the least. I am filled with a deep level of gratitude for his sacrifice and his role in helping to save Mary's life. But Creator had other plans for my darling girl, my spirit child who soars with the Universe. What a blessing!
On another note I got my 1st Reiki attunement this week and my healing hands are hot and tingly and ready to go to work. Reiki is what I used to help me begin to heal my heart after Mary died and is the energy treatment I will use most in my new practice. It is a glorious thing when Creator's LOVE flows through you into another person. I am both humbled and ecstatic at the prospect of having a tool for peace in my own 2 hands.
Each day is a new adventure and my arms are thrown back in anticipation. My heart is soaring and my mind is clear and with direction. I am grateful!
On another note I got my 1st Reiki attunement this week and my healing hands are hot and tingly and ready to go to work. Reiki is what I used to help me begin to heal my heart after Mary died and is the energy treatment I will use most in my new practice. It is a glorious thing when Creator's LOVE flows through you into another person. I am both humbled and ecstatic at the prospect of having a tool for peace in my own 2 hands.
Each day is a new adventure and my arms are thrown back in anticipation. My heart is soaring and my mind is clear and with direction. I am grateful!
Saturday, February 28, 2009
Donor!!
After 2 years of waiting I have been given the contact info for Mary's bone marrow donor... I really wanted to thank him for his amazing gift... and I got to do that:-)
Tuesday, February 17, 2009
22 years...
Some days I measure time with how long it has been. Not in regret, but with memories of side-splitting laughter, amazing meals and building. Sure there were stressors, hurt feelings and sometimes unfulfilled dreams. Welcome to life. But that is the beauty of memories, I get to choose which ones I hold on to and replay. Today I imagine my Dad in his work shop hammering and sawing and creating. And that nail that went wrong and the cussing that came out of him in a very humorous way. Jesus, Mary and Joseph, he was so happy while creating. I think that was the thing that gave him the most pleasure, besides his grand kids. Taking a piece of wood and fashioning a table or deacon's bench, a shelf, or chair. There is something magical about wood that roots you in the earth and I think Daddy knew that.
Today is the 22nd anniversary of my father's death. I miss him and I am sad that my kids never got to know him. Zech was born the next year, at the end of this month he will be 21.
Today is the 22nd anniversary of my father's death. I miss him and I am sad that my kids never got to know him. Zech was born the next year, at the end of this month he will be 21.
Sunday, February 15, 2009
Friday, January 30, 2009
accepting what is...
It doesn't matter how many times I write it, nor does it matter how many times I am challenged to live by the belief, but sometimes I just do not want to accept what "is" and let go of what I want. In this specific situation, it is about the life of someone I love and his current journey. My darling friend Cody, who I got to know at clinic, he and Mary had the same clinic days, is once again going for brain surgery as his last (and they said final) round of Chemo has not abated the aggressive fucking cancer that currently eats at his brain. So on one level I know that I must accept his journey and how it unfolds for him, take the lessons he teaches me about courage and love and openness as a gift from him and let his journey unfold as it should. Support him as best I can and deal with the outcomes. Then there is the hurt Mommy-ME not wanting that for his Mom and Dad, or for me and mine who have grown to love him like he was ours. And the irony is that no matter what I want, or do, this story will unfold as it is meant too. My role in this story is a small one, a supporting cast member. I see myself on the stage, ready to yell out a line from another play... a line that does not belong on this stage... and I can't, my throat is closed and I continue to play the rehearsed role... I accept what is and wait... and wait for outcomes.
Macbeth, Act V, Sc. V
To-morrow, and to-morrow, and to-morrow,creeps in this petty pace from day to day,
to the last syllable of recorded time; And all our yesterdays have lighted fools
the way to dusty death. Out, out, brief candle! Life's but a walking shadow,
a poor player that struts and frets his hour upon the stage and then is heard no more: it is a tale told by an idiot, full of sound and fury, signifying nothing.
and the irony is that the only thing that is real is this moment and at this moment it means everything!
Macbeth, Act V, Sc. V
To-morrow, and to-morrow, and to-morrow,creeps in this petty pace from day to day,
to the last syllable of recorded time; And all our yesterdays have lighted fools
the way to dusty death. Out, out, brief candle! Life's but a walking shadow,
a poor player that struts and frets his hour upon the stage and then is heard no more: it is a tale told by an idiot, full of sound and fury, signifying nothing.
and the irony is that the only thing that is real is this moment and at this moment it means everything!
Saturday, January 24, 2009
25 things about me...
1.I have had my heart broken but I learned valuable lessons from it. Not to be consumed by either love or hate, to find a balance. This was one of the hardest lessons I ever had to learn. And, in return, the hardest words were thanks to the men who taught me those lessons.
2.The hardest lesson I have learned, however, is that every living thing has a journey, and what I want does not have anything to do with their journey. We each come to life with an agenda and when we have learned, or taught, or both, to fulfill that agenda, then we leave this life. It is the hardest lesson when the teacher is your child. In this light, the hardest words I have ever spoken were; I love you so much, I will miss you forever, good bye my darling girl. But when I finally spoke them, I was free. Talk about dichotomy!
3.I am single and am very happy being that way. Not that I do not ever want intimacy again, for this right now my focus is spiritual growth and learning.
4.My 1st main goal in life is to be a good person.
5.My 2nd main goal in life is to be an outstanding Mom and to have my children love me in return.
6.My 3rd main goal is to continuously grow and learn about my connection to all living things, about Universal Energy and how to be a conduit for it’s LOVE!
7.I have many people who love me, and I them, and I am grateful daily for that.
8.I love to hug, can’t get enough of it. Actually I will hug almost anything!
9.I love strong, black coffee, cool clear water and beer.
10.I am in school studying Holistic Healing and I will, upon my return home, open my own practice and begin to use what I have learned to support people in their own healing. Aromatherapy massage, with a little chakra balancing, anyone!
11.I am currently living in Toronto with my friend Julie and I am very grateful that she has allowed me to intrude on her life for a year to go to school.
12.I love animals of all shapes and sizes, and believe that they hold valuable lessons for each of us.
13.I love rocks; quartz, amethyst, rose quartz, mangano calcite, angelite, snowflake obsidian, hematite, malachite…. and so on, and so on, and so on…. I have over 125 different kinds of rocks, sorted labeled and loved. I believe crystals, if used properly can be an amazing conduit of universal healing energy. Rock’s come from my other love, Mother Earth, whose generous bounty never fails to take my breath away.
14.I love food. This is not a like situation, it is love. I also love to cook, and am pretty good at it. My favorite meal would be the one I am currently eating, especially if it is cooked with love. OK the potato, it rocks!!!
15.I sometimes struggle with low self-esteem, but hide it well.
16.I am a public speaker who near faints from nerves before I speak.
17.On the surface I am an outgoing social person, but the real me is introspective and a bit of a loner. I really enjoy being alone with my thoughts. I am a geek.
18.I love to write out my thoughts and currently have 2 blogs on the go. One is about my healing journey, hence the name, and the other, is about parental grief and loss. If interested you can find them at ….
http://pattyshealingjourney.blogspot.com/
http://www.themaryfund.com/
19.I come from an amazingly supportive, kind and generous family whose love means everything to me.
20.I am on the right path to being the person I want to become. The hugest challenge to overcome on that road has been me. Sometimes I can not get out of my own way.
21.I am not real complicated. I am straight forward and accept people where they are at and expect the same from them.
22.I believe that as an individual I am powerless, but when I open myself to universal energy, and act from a place of right action in the now, I am incontrovertible. And so are you.
23.I love New Brunswick, the province and the people. Actually I love Canada, the people and the country. My real issue is Government. I am sure that does not come as any surprise.
24.I really do not know what people see in me, and this is not a plea for positive strokes. I usually feel unworthy or the affection of others and am surprised that so much love comes my way. Maybe it is that I want to be a mirror for love, or a conduit for universal love. If I have succeeded then I now know why.
25.This exercise has been harder than I though, but then again, I always go to the deep stuff. I struggle with the surface, because that is where all my self-loathing lies.
26.If I do not post this right now I will edit it forever, I struggle to let go of my words, sometime sit feels like the birthing process.
2.The hardest lesson I have learned, however, is that every living thing has a journey, and what I want does not have anything to do with their journey. We each come to life with an agenda and when we have learned, or taught, or both, to fulfill that agenda, then we leave this life. It is the hardest lesson when the teacher is your child. In this light, the hardest words I have ever spoken were; I love you so much, I will miss you forever, good bye my darling girl. But when I finally spoke them, I was free. Talk about dichotomy!
3.I am single and am very happy being that way. Not that I do not ever want intimacy again, for this right now my focus is spiritual growth and learning.
4.My 1st main goal in life is to be a good person.
5.My 2nd main goal in life is to be an outstanding Mom and to have my children love me in return.
6.My 3rd main goal is to continuously grow and learn about my connection to all living things, about Universal Energy and how to be a conduit for it’s LOVE!
7.I have many people who love me, and I them, and I am grateful daily for that.
8.I love to hug, can’t get enough of it. Actually I will hug almost anything!
9.I love strong, black coffee, cool clear water and beer.
10.I am in school studying Holistic Healing and I will, upon my return home, open my own practice and begin to use what I have learned to support people in their own healing. Aromatherapy massage, with a little chakra balancing, anyone!
11.I am currently living in Toronto with my friend Julie and I am very grateful that she has allowed me to intrude on her life for a year to go to school.
12.I love animals of all shapes and sizes, and believe that they hold valuable lessons for each of us.
13.I love rocks; quartz, amethyst, rose quartz, mangano calcite, angelite, snowflake obsidian, hematite, malachite…. and so on, and so on, and so on…. I have over 125 different kinds of rocks, sorted labeled and loved. I believe crystals, if used properly can be an amazing conduit of universal healing energy. Rock’s come from my other love, Mother Earth, whose generous bounty never fails to take my breath away.
14.I love food. This is not a like situation, it is love. I also love to cook, and am pretty good at it. My favorite meal would be the one I am currently eating, especially if it is cooked with love. OK the potato, it rocks!!!
15.I sometimes struggle with low self-esteem, but hide it well.
16.I am a public speaker who near faints from nerves before I speak.
17.On the surface I am an outgoing social person, but the real me is introspective and a bit of a loner. I really enjoy being alone with my thoughts. I am a geek.
18.I love to write out my thoughts and currently have 2 blogs on the go. One is about my healing journey, hence the name, and the other, is about parental grief and loss. If interested you can find them at ….
http://pattyshealingjourney.blogspot.com/
http://www.themaryfund.com/
19.I come from an amazingly supportive, kind and generous family whose love means everything to me.
20.I am on the right path to being the person I want to become. The hugest challenge to overcome on that road has been me. Sometimes I can not get out of my own way.
21.I am not real complicated. I am straight forward and accept people where they are at and expect the same from them.
22.I believe that as an individual I am powerless, but when I open myself to universal energy, and act from a place of right action in the now, I am incontrovertible. And so are you.
23.I love New Brunswick, the province and the people. Actually I love Canada, the people and the country. My real issue is Government. I am sure that does not come as any surprise.
24.I really do not know what people see in me, and this is not a plea for positive strokes. I usually feel unworthy or the affection of others and am surprised that so much love comes my way. Maybe it is that I want to be a mirror for love, or a conduit for universal love. If I have succeeded then I now know why.
25.This exercise has been harder than I though, but then again, I always go to the deep stuff. I struggle with the surface, because that is where all my self-loathing lies.
26.If I do not post this right now I will edit it forever, I struggle to let go of my words, sometime sit feels like the birthing process.
Thursday, January 22, 2009
The Mary Fund is back....
I am very excited to say that the Mary Fund site is back up and running... I will use that site for discussions of grief and this blog for sharing learning, and sometimes they will over lap... http://www.themaryfund.com/
My news is today is that I filled out the papers to contact Mary's Bone Marrow donor... I know that if I am meant to know him and his family then I will... what I really want to do is just tell him how important his sacrifice was to Mary.. she talked about him like she already knew him, and in a way she did, as his blood gushed through her body saving her life... her death was because of what the treatments did to her little body, chemo and radiation... ugh!! The other knowing part is that on another, more spiritual level, we all know one another.. Mary knew that and as I learn more about it, I realize how much more there is to know about who we are and the road we are traveling... and how much more aware I become of our impact on each other and every person we come in contact with.. for better for worse.. we learn... I am grateful for this:-)
My other news is that last night Emma went back home and I miss her terribly... we had an awesome visit and a load of fun... and I am glad she was able to come:-)
My news is today is that I filled out the papers to contact Mary's Bone Marrow donor... I know that if I am meant to know him and his family then I will... what I really want to do is just tell him how important his sacrifice was to Mary.. she talked about him like she already knew him, and in a way she did, as his blood gushed through her body saving her life... her death was because of what the treatments did to her little body, chemo and radiation... ugh!! The other knowing part is that on another, more spiritual level, we all know one another.. Mary knew that and as I learn more about it, I realize how much more there is to know about who we are and the road we are traveling... and how much more aware I become of our impact on each other and every person we come in contact with.. for better for worse.. we learn... I am grateful for this:-)
My other news is that last night Emma went back home and I miss her terribly... we had an awesome visit and a load of fun... and I am glad she was able to come:-)
Sunday, January 11, 2009
Emma is here....
After a bit of a weather delay, Emma arrived Friday morning and the action has been non-stop.. I took her to her first Drag Show and we laughed and danced and had a blast.... yesterday we went out to my friend Doreen's for her darling Ben's 5th Birthday.. an amazing feat considering he has weathered 2 bone marrow transplants and countless other health issues... he is a spirited and joyful little lad who daily amazes me with his wit and capacity to love. The next 2 weeks will be filled with adventures and amazing food!
Thursday, January 8, 2009
Gratitude for learning....
A situation presented itself at my school and I knew what to do and how to handle it because of what I have learned from each of you. All I could think about on the bus ride home was how grateful I am for having had you be a part of my life. So I am writing to you to thank you for all that you have taught me about compassion and love and accepting people where they are. Even those times when I fucked it up, you showed me acceptance and taught me more than you can know. I am very grateful for having the opportunity to know you and to have played a small role in your life journey. Trusting me took courage, and in that trust, you taught me what it really means to be courageous and to look fear in the face. It also taught me how important it is to keep that trust sacred and how to be compassionate and empathetic without judgment. Mostly, you allowed me to grow and learn about me through you, and for that I will forever be grateful.
Love and hugs
Patty
Love and hugs
Patty
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