Sunday, September 28, 2008

Sunday Fair...

Off to the Psychic Fair with Julie and Classmates this afternoon, I wonder if a palm reader can tell me where my Government money is? Fredericton, in all of their wisdom, have decided that the school is not registered, even though I gave them all that paper work.. now I need more paper work, I just found out about it on Friday... weeks after I should have gotten my money for books and school supplies... sigh Pray for me!!

School is great, I am learning lots but struggling with emotional issues that keep cropping up as I hurl towards the 2nd anniversary of Mary's death.. however, I am in the right place to grow through everything that comes up. I will see my new Psychotherapist sometime in the next 2 weeks (25 hours of therapy is required for the program) and will begin to unravel some of this mess I call my internal life... I am really looking forward to the peace that will come with that. I have finally started dreaming again, I haven't since Mary was diagnosed, so that is nice even though some of the dreams are freakish, it is cool to have a dream state again.

Everything else is grand, I am learning how to make bread with a bread maker... not as easy as it sounds.. so far the only bread that has turned out is New Brunswick Molasses Brown bread, and Oh is it sweet... I had it with fried potatoes and molasses beans the other night... ah childhood memories! Remember that on Friday nights of no meat! I will write more later after the fair!

Sunday, September 21, 2008

Round pegs and square holes.

Ever felt like you fit in, like you were meant to be with someone or at something? This is how school is for me. As most of you know, I have always been a round peg faced with square holes, and most of my life has been either to change me or to change the holes. At School I am a round peg and I am surrounded by round holes and other round pegs... it really is wonderful! This past week has been exhausting and exhilarating; it has been both a journey within and a connecting with something larger. I feel plugged in, separate and unique, yet connected to that which connects us all, Universal Energy (God/Creator/Goddess). It is amazing to be able to talk about what you think and feel, and your spiritual experiences without censorship, without fear, with only openness and acceptance. Don't get me wrong, I have had a lot of acceptance in my life, more than most people, most especially through my environmental work and my experience through non-profits, but even then I felt like I was keeping part of me a secret, part that was conspiring to break free. I have been very lucky to have many amazing individuals come and go in my life, to teach me, guide me and support me. I truly feel loved and supported in what I am doing and that makes such a huge difference when embarking upon a new course. Each day I am filled to the brim with gratitude!

The one upside/downside of all of this is the emotional work, is that it opens up my Mary wounds and illuminates my broken heart. Well the broken heart, of course, is from more than Mary, but all of my brokenness is over shadowed by her loss. The good news is that when I went within it was not as bad as I feared. Over the past 2 years (OMG I still can not believe it has been 2 years in November, it still feels like yesterday) I have done a lot of healing work with therapists and Elders and have let go of a great deal of emotional baggage in the process. I can now come to this work prepared to break free and really experience gratitude for Mary and for what she has taught me and gifted me with her death, and for the other teachers who, for better or worse, have impacted my journey. It really is like the Universe is conspiring to bring me to this place of healing so that I can channel that healing energy for others. And I am so very grateful for this opportunity.

Each of my classmates comes from different places and with a different set of experiences to share, some corporate, some questioning, some from other healing professions and some from pain and suffering, and each time they share they teach me with their point of view and I am so very grateful for them and their willingness to share with me.

This past week has also had some fun times. On Friday I went to the Carrot Common on the Danforth with 2 classmates, Val and John Paul and we had a blast shopping for healing crystals and massage oils. Then we went to Kennsington Market which is a mirage of funky stores, organic food and vegetarian restaurants. Another place for round pegs! hehe I have put some pictures on my facebook!

Also this week end Julie and I finished up the canning with cabbage rolls and stuffed peppers both smothered in homemade tomato sauce, and Salsa with lots of coriander. Well Back to my studies, of Anatomy and Physiology and shopping on Ebay for a massage table.

This week end also marked the leaving of our dear friend Luke Clark who is going Overseas to serve in the Army, Good Luck Luke, you will be in our thoughts and prayers for a safe return!

Happy Birthday Ronnie and Teresa!

Big Love

Monday, September 15, 2008

School Daze!

It was a whirlwind of activity and I loved it... I am where I am supposed to be! Right now I am studying holistic perspectives, Chakra Studies and meditation and anatomy. Everyone is very kind and helpful.. it was a great first day!

I am exhausted.. last night I barely slept.. I was too excited... so now I am off to bed early.. night.

Sunday, September 14, 2008

food glorious food, and other things!

On Thursday I fasted and then went to my friend Asma's house to break my fast and learn about Ramadan and the Muslim faith. I met Asma at Sick Kids, her darling son Adam died just before Mary and I arrived. We are part of a group of Mom's who have connected and get together for dinner and evenings for healing. Anyway.... I had an amazing time... Aisha, her beautiful daughter, spent lots of time answering my questions and explaining things to me... who better to do it then someone learning... darling girl. And is she so gorgeous, dark skin and hair and the sweetest open face. Oh I love them both! Asma gifted me this beautiful embroidered deep burnt orange Salwar kameez a traditional dress. (Salvars or shalvars are loose pajama-like trousers. The legs are wide at the top, and narrow at the bottom. The kameez is a long shirt or tunic. The side seams (known as the chaak) are left open below the waist-line, which gives the wearer greater freedom of movement.) It was amazingly comfortable, however, there was one minor issue, it was quite form fitting, which made me a little uncomfortable.. hehe So the next day Asma let out the seams on the side so I do not look all boobs in it. :-)

The food Asma cooked was absolutely divine; Pakora, fried potatoes battered in chick pea flour and dipped in a yogurt, coriander and mint chutney; Dahi Barry, fried sweet lentil patties in yogurt and chick peas; Chicken Curry; and Chicken Paalak, chicken cooked with spicy sweet spinach. I do believe an angel sat on my tongue that night, absolutely amazing. And the hospitality. Asma's sister Nadia and her 2 children joined us and we had a great evening. I can not wait to go again. I love learning about new culture's and faiths and I have had so many questions about the Muslim faith, and I am very excitedly learning!

And no it did not escape me that Thursday was September 11. I have had so much loss in my life these past few years that I knew that on this day of mourning I wanted to do something special, something spiritual and who better than with those that I do not understand and Asma is an Ahamdi Muslim and they practice non-violence. She is a kind and beautiful woman and so is her family. I felt like an honored guest in her home, and it was wonderful. I am going again during Ramadan for a Bazzar in her building... hummm do I see some lovely bangles in my future!

This week end Julie and I are harvesting the back yard. Beets and carrots are ready as well as 100's of pears. Yesterday we canned 3 types of pears, gingered, spicy chutney with cranberries and currents, and pears in extra light sauce... yum! I also made New Brunswick oatmeal molasses brown bread in a bread machine and Oh was it good... we had it like I used to as kids with Molasses beans and fried new potatoes... it was heaven. Today more of the same, and adding Zinfandel pears and pickled beets. I love fall!

As I said in my last post my dear friend Gianni died on Wednesday, his funeral will be in Saint John on Monday. I will miss his laughter, and his positive sense of humor. I will miss his friendship. I think what makes it hard to loose someone close is partially the loss of their love. For over 35 years, Gianni loved me, and as we grew older that love became deeper, of that I am sure, and I will miss having that love confirmed in this earthly realm. I know that he has gone home. I know that he has his legs back. I know that he is pain free and for that I am grateful. But, I also know that I will miss him until I am with him again. But with each loss, I think about other losses and as I cooked and canned I imagined my Mom kneading brown bread in our kitchen and the smell of newly risen loaves. And I imagine my Dad peeling the hot skins off boiled potatoes for us kids and the eager faces awaiting the hot steamy goodness with a dollop of butter dangling from our forks. And my darling Mary, who is in my thoughts constantly, her crookedy smile awaiting whatever I was dishing up. They live in my heart and my mind, and are as close as my thoughts. So there I will store Gianni and my memories of our childhood and the stories of growing together.

School starts on Monday and I am really excited. I have everything ready and, of course, organized and labeled. I will post again to let you know how my first day was. And Oh yeah, yesterday I drove around Toronto for the first time and I did alright!

Wednesday, September 10, 2008

Sad News :-(

Today my darling sweet friend, the first boy I ever kissed, my best pal, the person I shared a May 18th birthday with, and lifelong friend, Gianni Govic died this morning. He went peacefully in his sleep. I am so very glad I got to see him a few weeks ago on my way to Toronto. He is my profile picture. I will miss your weekly phone calls, your amazing wit and your love. Say hi to Mary for me!

Monday, September 8, 2008


Canada's broadcasters will not allow Green Leader Elizabeth May to participate in the leaders debates during the federal election campaign, the networks announced Monday afternoon.

'The notion that I would go into debates as someone to cheer on one other party leader is absurd.'— Green Leader Elizabeth May

The consortium of networks, which includes the CBC, said three of Canada's parties were opposed to May's inclusion, but did not give more details.

In recent days, the Conservatives, Bloc Québécois and the NDP have all expressed their opposition to May joining the debates.

"It became clear that if the Green party were included, there would be no leaders' debate," the consortium said in a press release.

"In the interest of Canadians, the consortium has determined that it is better to broadcast the debates with the four major party leaders, rather than not at all." from CBC.

I am dazed and confused, do we live in a democratic Canada or a communist regime? They will boycott if Elizabeth joins in the debate.... WTF.... talk about not playing nice in the sand box! Please write the CBC, or CTV, or Global and tell them what you think! And PLEASE vote GREEN!

Monday, I think I can do that!

What a week end... I thoroughly enjoyed the Veggie fair and art show... At the Veggie fair we talked to people about where the best place to buy veggies at and organic stuffs, drank from a coconut with a straw and enjoyed interesting vendors and sampled many varieties of food, from all manner of ethnic and religious backgrounds... the Hare Krishna's were there with yummy Karma free cooking... what a thought cooking that builds no Karmic debt... I did not think that eating organic, ethically raised and killed meat could increase my karmic debt load... this is food for thought.. pun intended.. I wonder if many of us give thought to how our food was grown, harvested and cooked and how that impacts us spiritually... I wonder if that is why saying grace originated to wipe out the Karmic debt and blessing of the food to make sure it did not impact our spirit. To give thanks, does anyone do that any more before a meal, give thanks to the earth that grew it and to the workers who harvested it and the people or person who toiled to make it... I wonder.

Each day brings me a new series of thoughts and things to be grateful for... at this moment I am grateful for you, the sun, warm Organic Gluten free multi-grain bread from Molly B's kitchen... hot fair trade coffee... yummy!

At the Junction Art show we enjoyed amazing organic beer and were treated to wonderful music and buskers and art... I got my hand painted with henna again and enjoyed a free David Usher concert... he was, as usual, energetic, connected to the audience and in fine vocal form. I saw the most awe inspiring pink Jesus in an art store, it was loud and huge and the carved face had a level of depth that I have not seen in a carving in a long time... I had to touch it and Julie caught that shot.. I was enthralled.

Today Julie and I are off to the Toronto Islands for an adventure in the sun... this is my last week off before my classes start.. I plan to make the most of it each day with new and exciting adventures... I am especially happy to be breaking my fast on Thursday night with my dear friend Asma and to participate in Ramadan prayers with her family on Friday. I live to learn!

Saturday, September 6, 2008

depends on your point of view

How you experience the world is created by your point of view.
How you see the world creates the world you see.
How you fill yourself, and with what, adds to your world view and ultimately your self-image.

I am off to a Vegetarian Fair, like a home show for eggplants, and then to hear David Usher at the Junction Arts Festival, weather permitting!! Buckle down and take care.

Wednesday, September 3, 2008

Journeys, some more painful than others...

Yesterday I spent the afternoon with my good friend Doreen at Sick Kids where her son Ben, who also has Aplastic Anemia, had surgery. The first time I went back to the hospital, which was earlier in the year, my heart skipped a beat and fear was in the pit of my stomach, but yesterday I had none of those same feelings. I was so happy to see Doreen and Ben that I never gave it much thought. And maybe that is the key to healing broken hearts, just choose not to dwell on it. Thinking about something negative over and over definately makes any situation worse. I know that the first time I went back I thought about it a lot, that Mary died there, that I had not been back since then, that I would be scared when I went.... every time I thought about Sick Kids it was in the negative, it was about me and my loss... if I even pictured the hospital I would get all in a twist, and now all I focused on was Ben's surgery and his healing. It really is amazing how powerful a change of mind can be. I felt free to walk about and support my friend and listen and send healing light to she and Ben without thought to my loss. There were a few times I did think of Mary, of course I would, when I washed my hands with that dreaded Bacti-stat soap that I had to wash me and her with day in and day out... the smell triggered memories and I let those memories flow, did not fight them, did not stop them, just watched them play out like an observer, and giggled at the memory of the funny things Mary would say about the soap.

Doreen's husband was there with her, so that free'd us to go out to supper together and back I went to the Elephant and Castle, cold beer on tap with many to choose from and the best roast beef and yorkshire pudding this side of my kitchen, you may remember me talking about it before, but this time I got a Club House sandwich, which was also good and a cold Stella! hummmmm Stella!

I am finding my way via the subway and buses and am enjoying each day and the adventure it brings.

Tuesday, September 2, 2008

Gelato and all that tastes good in the world

The world is filled with stark contrasts. Beauty and ugliness juxtaposed, and both are subjective to ones point of view. So how do we know right from wrong when that too seems to be subjective?

I remember as a young woman thinking that children with half their teeth missing and coming in as hideous and in need of dental care. That was until my children began to loose their teeth and I understood that transition. It became a thing of beauty to me and now when I see a child with missing teeth and tooth nubs I think, "Oh how wonderful" and look upon them longingly.

For me understanding seems to be the key to seeing beauty... and if that works for me then it makes sense that it could be that way for others. The question then becomes, why are so many closed to understanding?

My friend Michael has this quote from my favorite childhood author of "Charlotte's Web" as his status on facebook.... "I arise in the morning torn between a desire to improve (or save) the world and a desire to enjoy (or savor) the world. This makes it hard to plan the day." E.B. White Yesterday I savored and enjoyed a beautiful art show, pushed aside any thoughts of poverty and pain, a world that needs healing, allowed myself the splendid moment and the day slid across my tongue like the cold coconut gelato I enjoyed the sun. I experienced the art with all of my senses and it was glorious. And I am left with the question how do I balance the two and yet be consumed by neither?

Another day, another day to learn and understand.