Mary Donovan, May 28th 1991- November 30th, 2006

I have been reluctant to start this year, not wanting to think of the awfulness, not wanting to dredge up the pain and not wanting to experience it all over again. And then I realized it is with me everyday, it hasn’t gone anywhere, it is there, deep within and I hide it, hide from it. Only wanting you back, and wanting to see you grow and mature. Missing that. Missing the sound of your voice and the smell of your hair, when I kiss the top of your head. Missing your hugs and your laughter. Wondering what you would look like after all this time. How your voice would sound and what words you would choose to use. Would your laugh still be the same as we remember it? Missing that… missing…. 4 years of missing and while we breathe in and out and life goes on, the awfulness is still there. I guess it always will be. We do not show it the same way, but it has not changed, it has not left us. But in our hearts, neither have you Marmy Cake. Forever and always Mom, Zech, Emma and Hanna

Death is Nothing at all!

Death is nothing at all

I have only slipped away into the next room

I am I and you are you

Whatever we were to each other

That we are still

Call me by my old familiar name

Speak to me in the easy way you always used

Put no difference into your tone

Wear no forced air of solemnity or sorrow

Laugh as we always laughed

At the little jokes we always enjoyed together

Play, smile, think of me, pray for me

Let my name be ever the household word that it always was

Let it be spoken without effort

Without the ghost of a shadow in it

Life means all that it ever meant

It is the same as it ever was

There is absolute unbroken continuity

What is death but a negligible accident?

Why should I be out of mind

Because I am out of sight?

I am waiting for you for an interval

Somewhere very near

Just around the corner

All is well.

Nothing is past; nothing is lost

One brief moment and all will be as it was before

How we shall laugh at the trouble of parting when we meet again!



Canon Henry Scott-Holland, 1847-1918, Canon of St Paul's Cathedral

wow... June already....

It is like I have all of these thoughts and wondering's, but not enough time to think them through, be articulate or even focus enough to make sense of them.... I think that is the last few months theme... the event was miraculous and I was able to offer a 2500.00 scholarship... with enough to spare to start a proper fund.... Zech was in a ATV accident and is now laid off because he can not work... Emma is excitedly preparing for her cross country journey and Hanna has found a great apt in the city and is doing well... and me, well I am overwhelmed, unfocused and a bit lost.. and not sure how to find it again!

Hanna turns 19 and other things....

On May 28th Hanna turns 19... and so would Mary... Hanna still looks the same as she did at 15... Mary would too... I wonder how I will feel when she doesn't... in my memory will Mary stay the same or age... Hanna will be 19... 19 years... how it flies by!

On Saturday, May 29th, 2010 the Mary Fund will be hosting “An Evening of Art and Music” at the Kent Theater, 24 Coburg Street, Saint John, from 8:00pm to 1:30am, to raise money for a Youth scholarship. This scholarship is to support a local high school youth financially so that they can attend a program of higher learning in either art or music. This year the scholarship will be awarded to a student KVHS, as that was Mary’s alma-mater. The fund was established to honor my 15 year old daughter, Mary Donovan, who, on November 30th 2006, at the age of 15 died following a bone marrow transplant. Mary was a work of art, she drew and played bass guitar, and she wrote plays and poetry and dreamed of being a website designer where all of her talents could be employed.

This event is sure to draw a crowd. With music from Divine Heist, The Matt Dylan Band, Clinton Charlton, Seven Crows and Jam Spots and Hospitals. There will a live art auction and multiple raffles for items to be draw through out the evening.

Join us!

Thoughts on turning 50.....

On Tuesday, at 11:55pm, give or take a few minutes, i will have spent 50 years on this planet…. and a lot has changed… in my lifetime technology has revolutionized our way of living, some things for the better and some not… many people i have loved have left me, some for greater places and some not…. i have led, and been a part of, many charges, some have made transformation possible and some have not…. the constant in this saga is me and to me, i have changed more than all of these things.... through each up hill climb, each fall and each pain i have grown and changed.... through each leisurely walk, each climb and each joy i have grown and changed…. and at 50 i have realized that in my life the only other constant is change… my job is to learn to flow with it, like the wind, not judging just accepting what is, because i am certain that, even if i do not like what is, things will change.

Thank you to each experience, both good and bad, for facilitating my change and growth… I may not have liked you at the time, but in hindsight am grateful for the learning!

Thank you to my Parents for giving me biological life and to all those who have crossed my path to teach me, torment me and love me… I am grateful for the learning!

Thank you.

Finding Peace admist the chaos....

Every thing is perfect as it is… even that which we dislike or even hate, in its decrepitude, it is perfection… every thing is what it is…. It is our opinion, judgment or an emotion, which makes it either good or evil… some things exist to teach us and to challenge our perceptions… some things exist to teach those going through it, but can be both at the same time.. Every thing is a learning moment… the ultimate choice is to rise above that which we perceive, without judgment and be free from the confines of our minds! This could be an end to suffering… it could be!

May 29th.. it is what it is.. perfection!

Fundraiser....

On May 29th, 2010 I will be hosting a music and Art fundraiser at the Kent Theater in memory of my daughter Mary and the proceeds will go to creating a music/art scholarship for a local high school student to attend college/university to study either genre. If you or anyone you know might want to participate and play music, donate art to the auction or would like to help out in any way please let me know... themaryfund@hotmail.com

Jesus was a Reiki Master/Teacher and other expostulations on the death of a child….a requiem!

Expostulation - the act of expressing earnest opposition or protest (and because this is me, a deep desire to understand).

At Alicia’s funeral service the Priest said that Jesus raised a girl from the dead and he did it for real, but the message we are to take from the bible passage is symbolic. That we do not die, that we are born again in the spirit. How confusing! On one hand we are to take the meaning literally then symbolically. Oh I believe in healing, and I believe in Jesus and Buddha and all the other Spiritual Teachers who come to teach us the ways of Spirit so that we can, in our limited human way, understand the process and make peace with it. I am not sure that Jesus ever raised anyone from physical death. Why would he want to when what our soul desperately seeks is a return to spirit. Why would someone who loves me so much deprive us of the passage that our heart longs for or prolong our spiritual suffering? I believe that Jesus did indeed heal a sick girl that was near deaths door, by laying his hands on her and this extension allowed her, with his help, to make peace with the transition so that she could do so without fear. I think Jesus is a miracle. And not for one minute do I believe that every story like this is the same. I have no evidence, one way or the other; however, it makes sense as he was teaching us to understand the conversion of the soul not the transformation of the physical body. Welcome to Mystery!

I refer to myself as a Reiki Master/Teacher because I have been taught and attuned to be just that, and am guided in my Teaching. But I always say this with a disclaimer… I am in training, as are we all, to understand the glories of Mystery. The one thing I do know for sure is that my spirit can rise up to greet Mystery and be in communion with it through prayer, meditation and intention. This happened very profoundly when Mary died and what I experienced as her spirit crossed over was in fact a marvel. In that moment I knew exactly what “sing choir’s of Angels” and “hosanna in the highest” meant. In that profound horribly beautiful moment the vastness that her soul connected to and became one with was beyond human comprehension, and yet I felt it with every fiber of my being and my spirit raised up and wanted to go with her into the vastness. But I was not chosen to go this time.

As we were leaving Alicia’s service a women asked me if I was one of her Teacher’s and, overcome with grief I could only nod my head no, but what I really wanted to say was, “I was not her teacher, she was mine”. Like each of the children I have had the honour to sit before and learn from, she inspired me to grow and learn and stay connected to Mystery; knowing that my Spirit can continue to rise up and is connected to all that is. My Spirit, and yours, is connected and the choice is ours to feel that connection. I have experienced death and loss a lot over the past 4 years and each time it occurs I try to find meaning or understanding in what has happened and that is my human way of making peace with what is. And this is my one peace, that like others before me, I too shall leave this world, when my time has come, and my spirit will expand exponentially to become one with Mystery. And this makes it ok for me to breathe in and out and continue to live a physical life with a focus on understanding Mystery. I am in training to be worthy of that transition, so I hope that no one raises me up from the dead… honestly, I don’t think I could handle it twice!

On the way home from Alicia’s funeral service I was listening to CBC Radio 2 and Julie Nesrallah, host of Tempo, was talking about how one store is pumping in Mozart’s music into the store to deter youth from theft because they do not like this music and they won’t come into the store. Her expostulation was about how misunderstood genius is and that the subtle nuances of his music are lost to those who are open to hearing. And the fact that Mozart stands as the archetype of the Classical style, she was shocked that anyone would ever be deterred in any manner from listening to him. Mozart too died young on 5 December 1791 at the age of 35. Imagine what could have happened had he lived to 65!

My Mary loved Mozart. She loved how her body could feel his music and how intense her emotions became and how they moved and changed in tune with his music. It was Vivaldi that was playing when her physical body stopped, Vivaldi is my favorite, but Mozart was not far behind on the CD. And just like that day, Mary came again to teach me and remind me to feel and to be in tune with the sounds around me. And to remind me that Death is not the last chapter of any story, it is but the beginning. And isn’t that what Jesus wants to tell me too?

loss...

Alicia Marie Little.... December 10, 1989 to March 9, 2010

Another angel gets her wings and more hearts break!

LITTLE, Alicia Marie- of Saint John, after a courageous two year battle with cancer Alicia passed away at Saint John Regional Hospital, March 9, 2010. God called home one of the most incredible and extraordinary soul that in 20 short years effected many lives. Born December 10, 1989, she was the daughter of Timothy and Norma (Titus) Little. Alicia graduated for St. Malachys High School with honors, both in French and English and completed the summer program at the Universite St. Anne. She was involved in the Teen Centre. Alicia enjoyed making jewelry, drawing and painting, listening to music and playing guitar. She worked as a customer service representative. Alicia was very close to her family and loved spending time with her sister and nephew Cody.



Surviving is her sister, Samantha Little; nephew, Cody Little; aunts and uncles, Christine (Wade) Evans; Paula (Orland Clark); Michael (Christine) Titus; Jason (Angela) Titus; Jerry (Annette) Chiasson; Patricia (Doug) Marston, Alberta; Linda (Peter) McCarthy; Terry (Marg) Little, B.C.; Wendy (John) Porier; Dawn (David) Colpitts, Alberta; Leanne (Billy) Straight; cousins, Caitlin, Emma-Lee, Calvin, Jaymie, Zachary. Justine, Jennifer, Shandy, Francine Kelli, Patrick, Twyla, Peter, Jennifer, Michael, Lindsay, Adam, Tom, Heather , Shane, Leah, and Krista; maternal grandmother, Emma Titus; paternal grandmother, Mable Little; maternal grandfather, Donald Titus. She was predeceased by her paternal grandfather, James P. Little; Aunt, Jennifer Titus; cousin, Christopher Porier.



Resting at Brenan’s Funeral Home, 111 Paradise Row, Saint John, NB, (634-7424) with visiting on Wednesday, March 10, from 7-9, and Thursday, March 11, from 2-4, 7-9. Funeral service for Alicia will take place on Friday, March 12, 2010 from St. Peter’s Church at 11 a.m. Remembrances in memory of Alicia may be made to John T. Fund, Joshua Group, Animal Rescue League or a charity of one’s choice.

International Women's Day!

Sometimes, just sometimes, no matter how patient I am, or how hard I try, things do not always work out as I hoped or wanted or thought I needed them too. Things do, however, work out as they should and in the end I realize that it was nothing but emptiness wanting to be filled (an illusion) and a longing to fit and be welcome in something that is not meant for me.... sometimes there is just not enough patience and no matter how hard I try to change me to let things be as they are, I get hurt in the process.... I am not sure you can have intimate relationships without expectations of some sort and it it exactly those expectations that lead to being disappointed when what you expected does not happen... even worse, when the expectations turn negative and we get exactly as we expect... that is the time to call it a day.... to name the end.... to own the dysfunction... to let go of both negative and positive expectations and free yourself from the relationships that are not working... because if only one person is working on a relationship then it is doomed.... why wait for anger.. why wait until you are crushed... why wait when you know.... why wait!

So as I sit an ponder how we, as women, are socialized to take care of others I see that I have, on occasion, distorted that and that makes me unhappy.... so my pledge to me on this day of celebration of all things feminine is to release myself of that need in my relationships and in the words of the great author Toni Morrison.... "Freeing yourself was one thing; claiming ownership of that freed self was another." And, on this auspicious day, my wish for each women is that she too finds her freedom from all the shit that weighs her down so that she can soar!

Written by a Woman ready to claim her freedom!

Mary E. Grover 1936-2010

The last of my Mary's gets her angel wings.....

It is with great sadness that we announce the death of Mary Elizabeth Grover, widow of Morton on February 22, 2010 following a brief battle with leukemia. Born December 1, 1936, Mary was the daughter of the late Colin and Regis (McDermott) Ewing.

Mary was born in Hampton, NB, and during her young life, she resided in North Sydney, NS, later returning to Hampton. While attending Hampton Consolidated School, she was the recipient of the Governor General’s Award for Public Speaking. As a young adult, Mary worked as an operator with the New Brunswick Telephone Company, and later at the Provincial Assessor’s Office in Hampton. Mary, Morton, and daughter Susan lived in Regina, SK, where Morton was stationed with the RCMP. Upon retirement, they returned to the Maritimes spending many years in Kentville, and Mount Uniacke, NS. where they enjoyed gatherings with members of both families who lived nearby. In their final years, they moved to Sunny Corner Farm in Mount Hebron, NB and Mary became an integral part of her daughter’s horse farm--raising and caring for horses. Mary loved the horses and all of the people who came to ride and participate in shows held at the farm, especially the children. Mary’s life was guided by selfless acts of kindness and caring. She devoted her time and talents to the others, mentoring her many nieces and nephews, judging 4H speaking competitions, lending a skilled hand at horse shows, while all the time being the very best mother anyone could ever have.

She is survived by one daughter Susan Hill (Jamie) of Mount Hebron, NB; one sister Margaret Ryan of Hampton, NB; three brothers Ronald (Eileen) of Windsor, ON, Kenneth (Susan) of Kemptville, ON and David (Susan) of Abbotsford, BC. She was predeceased by six brothers John, Arthur, Leonard, George, Gerald, Fred, and one sister Florence Price.

Arrangements are entrusted to Reid’s Funeral Home, 1063 Main Street, Hampton, NB, (506) 832-5541. Respecting Mary’s request, cremation has taken place and a Mass of Christian Burial will be held at Saint Alphonsus Church, Hampton, NB at 10:00 a.m. on Saturday, February 27 with internment at Saint Alphonsus Cemetery to follow at a later date.

For those who wish, Memorial donations to any charity of the donor’s choice would be appreciated by the family.

choices....

a matter of choice

I am the weaver
and I must arrange the color and texture
to create a tapestry overflowing with splendor
metaphors that explain me
the pattern is before me but also the power to choose freely
juxtaposed images of truth and lies, life and death, joy and sorrow
a realization of the workings of the design
the loom predetermined by birth and assignment
but the search will unfold boundless shades to pick from
and if I ponder the seamstresses purposeful plan
I can choose to stop the wood as it slides through the fibers
because the color will not bring me comfort
or I can embrace the fine silken strands that surround
and blend the shades to beget glory within
the accouterments already in place
how we use them is a matter of choice

Sunshine....

The sun is shinning brightly and reflected off the trees behind my house, the world is cold and crisp and clean.... and the day is unfolding with magic.... starting with my wonderful Patty-chouli soap made by my good friends at Sudsmuffin... aromatherapy is really a brilliant way to start a day!

The ice covered bush

bent by an oppressive weight tries desperately to hold on,
for the sun to resurrect the world again ,
and give us warmth, and comfort, and solace.
Finally it comes, and as it shone through the densely laden branches
millions of tiny rainbows flowed outward and inward.
Magnificence, symbolic of the first covenant, juxtaposed
by exposed succulent fibers that tink tinkle in the wind.
An exquisite melodic sound fills the air
and yet, distant eerie cries, crack cracking ,
like a silent scream, felt with your heart, is all that is heard.
And as each limb gives itself up, no longer able to wait for salvation,
numbness replaces our joy.
How can something so beautiful be so devastating
and yet, give us hope?

Another loss somewhere....

I feel everything that happens in the world, almost like an oppressive weight sometimes... then I withdraw... and do not listen any more.... then I am OK again... when I become aware of the weight I am OK again... when something like Haiti happens in the world I feel like dark energy is sitting on my chest, blocking my heart chakra.. So, I Reiki me and I send distant Reiki to it... and that helps... I do not try to make sense of any thing anymore... because this kind of thing does not make sense... Dawson... WTF.. I mean, how do you make sense of that.. my Cody... years battling then dies... why, why, why... it makes no sense... my darling kind, beautiful joyful Mary.. why... why take her from me, and the earth... why... so I do not try to unravel it any more... that makes me crazy... Now I am of the mind.. everything is what it is... and maybe, just maybe, it is not mine to understand... I am not to know why.... I am sure some one is learning something somewhere.... so I just let it be and I worry about what I can control ME... I know that might sound rather simple and escapist but I am but one person, and the weight of the world is not mine to carry, it is God/Goddess/Universe's.... not mine! And in that I am free to love and send light and healing... for David's mom my heart aches, for Dawson's parents my heart bleeds... for each child who suffers and dies my heart breaks... but realizing that I can do nothing, and should do nothing except send light and listen and console frees me to be good at those things... do do those things that when I needed it, really mattered... does that make sense?