Friday, January 30, 2009

accepting what is...

It doesn't matter how many times I write it, nor does it matter how many times I am challenged to live by the belief, but sometimes I just do not want to accept what "is" and let go of what I want. In this specific situation, it is about the life of someone I love and his current journey. My darling friend Cody, who I got to know at clinic, he and Mary had the same clinic days, is once again going for brain surgery as his last (and they said final) round of Chemo has not abated the aggressive fucking cancer that currently eats at his brain. So on one level I know that I must accept his journey and how it unfolds for him, take the lessons he teaches me about courage and love and openness as a gift from him and let his journey unfold as it should. Support him as best I can and deal with the outcomes. Then there is the hurt Mommy-ME not wanting that for his Mom and Dad, or for me and mine who have grown to love him like he was ours. And the irony is that no matter what I want, or do, this story will unfold as it is meant too. My role in this story is a small one, a supporting cast member. I see myself on the stage, ready to yell out a line from another play... a line that does not belong on this stage... and I can't, my throat is closed and I continue to play the rehearsed role... I accept what is and wait... and wait for outcomes.

Macbeth, Act V, Sc. V
To-morrow, and to-morrow, and to-morrow,creeps in this petty pace from day to day,
to the last syllable of recorded time; And all our yesterdays have lighted fools
the way to dusty death. Out, out, brief candle! Life's but a walking shadow,
a poor player that struts and frets his hour upon the stage and then is heard no more: it is a tale told by an idiot, full of sound and fury, signifying nothing.

and the irony is that the only thing that is real is this moment and at this moment it means everything!

Saturday, January 24, 2009

25 things about me...

1.I have had my heart broken but I learned valuable lessons from it. Not to be consumed by either love or hate, to find a balance. This was one of the hardest lessons I ever had to learn. And, in return, the hardest words were thanks to the men who taught me those lessons.
2.The hardest lesson I have learned, however, is that every living thing has a journey, and what I want does not have anything to do with their journey. We each come to life with an agenda and when we have learned, or taught, or both, to fulfill that agenda, then we leave this life. It is the hardest lesson when the teacher is your child. In this light, the hardest words I have ever spoken were; I love you so much, I will miss you forever, good bye my darling girl. But when I finally spoke them, I was free. Talk about dichotomy!
3.I am single and am very happy being that way. Not that I do not ever want intimacy again, for this right now my focus is spiritual growth and learning.
4.My 1st main goal in life is to be a good person.
5.My 2nd main goal in life is to be an outstanding Mom and to have my children love me in return.
6.My 3rd main goal is to continuously grow and learn about my connection to all living things, about Universal Energy and how to be a conduit for it’s LOVE!
7.I have many people who love me, and I them, and I am grateful daily for that.
8.I love to hug, can’t get enough of it. Actually I will hug almost anything!
9.I love strong, black coffee, cool clear water and beer.
10.I am in school studying Holistic Healing and I will, upon my return home, open my own practice and begin to use what I have learned to support people in their own healing. Aromatherapy massage, with a little chakra balancing, anyone!
11.I am currently living in Toronto with my friend Julie and I am very grateful that she has allowed me to intrude on her life for a year to go to school.
12.I love animals of all shapes and sizes, and believe that they hold valuable lessons for each of us.
13.I love rocks; quartz, amethyst, rose quartz, mangano calcite, angelite, snowflake obsidian, hematite, malachite…. and so on, and so on, and so on…. I have over 125 different kinds of rocks, sorted labeled and loved. I believe crystals, if used properly can be an amazing conduit of universal healing energy. Rock’s come from my other love, Mother Earth, whose generous bounty never fails to take my breath away.
14.I love food. This is not a like situation, it is love. I also love to cook, and am pretty good at it. My favorite meal would be the one I am currently eating, especially if it is cooked with love. OK the potato, it rocks!!!
15.I sometimes struggle with low self-esteem, but hide it well.
16.I am a public speaker who near faints from nerves before I speak.
17.On the surface I am an outgoing social person, but the real me is introspective and a bit of a loner. I really enjoy being alone with my thoughts. I am a geek.
18.I love to write out my thoughts and currently have 2 blogs on the go. One is about my healing journey, hence the name, and the other, is about parental grief and loss. If interested you can find them at ….
19.I come from an amazingly supportive, kind and generous family whose love means everything to me.
20.I am on the right path to being the person I want to become. The hugest challenge to overcome on that road has been me. Sometimes I can not get out of my own way.
21.I am not real complicated. I am straight forward and accept people where they are at and expect the same from them.
22.I believe that as an individual I am powerless, but when I open myself to universal energy, and act from a place of right action in the now, I am incontrovertible. And so are you.
23.I love New Brunswick, the province and the people. Actually I love Canada, the people and the country. My real issue is Government. I am sure that does not come as any surprise.
24.I really do not know what people see in me, and this is not a plea for positive strokes. I usually feel unworthy or the affection of others and am surprised that so much love comes my way. Maybe it is that I want to be a mirror for love, or a conduit for universal love. If I have succeeded then I now know why.
25.This exercise has been harder than I though, but then again, I always go to the deep stuff. I struggle with the surface, because that is where all my self-loathing lies.
26.If I do not post this right now I will edit it forever, I struggle to let go of my words, sometime sit feels like the birthing process.

Thursday, January 22, 2009

The Mary Fund is back....

I am very excited to say that the Mary Fund site is back up and running... I will use that site for discussions of grief and this blog for sharing learning, and sometimes they will over lap...

My news is today is that I filled out the papers to contact Mary's Bone Marrow donor... I know that if I am meant to know him and his family then I will... what I really want to do is just tell him how important his sacrifice was to Mary.. she talked about him like she already knew him, and in a way she did, as his blood gushed through her body saving her life... her death was because of what the treatments did to her little body, chemo and radiation... ugh!! The other knowing part is that on another, more spiritual level, we all know one another.. Mary knew that and as I learn more about it, I realize how much more there is to know about who we are and the road we are traveling... and how much more aware I become of our impact on each other and every person we come in contact with.. for better for worse.. we learn... I am grateful for this:-)

My other news is that last night Emma went back home and I miss her terribly... we had an awesome visit and a load of fun... and I am glad she was able to come:-)

Sunday, January 11, 2009

Emma is here....

After a bit of a weather delay, Emma arrived Friday morning and the action has been non-stop.. I took her to her first Drag Show and we laughed and danced and had a blast.... yesterday we went out to my friend Doreen's for her darling Ben's 5th Birthday.. an amazing feat considering he has weathered 2 bone marrow transplants and countless other health issues... he is a spirited and joyful little lad who daily amazes me with his wit and capacity to love. The next 2 weeks will be filled with adventures and amazing food!

Thursday, January 8, 2009

Gratitude for learning....

A situation presented itself at my school and I knew what to do and how to handle it because of what I have learned from each of you. All I could think about on the bus ride home was how grateful I am for having had you be a part of my life. So I am writing to you to thank you for all that you have taught me about compassion and love and accepting people where they are. Even those times when I fucked it up, you showed me acceptance and taught me more than you can know. I am very grateful for having the opportunity to know you and to have played a small role in your life journey. Trusting me took courage, and in that trust, you taught me what it really means to be courageous and to look fear in the face. It also taught me how important it is to keep that trust sacred and how to be compassionate and empathetic without judgment. Mostly, you allowed me to grow and learn about me through you, and for that I will forever be grateful.

Love and hugs