Friday, January 30, 2009

accepting what is...

It doesn't matter how many times I write it, nor does it matter how many times I am challenged to live by the belief, but sometimes I just do not want to accept what "is" and let go of what I want. In this specific situation, it is about the life of someone I love and his current journey. My darling friend Cody, who I got to know at clinic, he and Mary had the same clinic days, is once again going for brain surgery as his last (and they said final) round of Chemo has not abated the aggressive fucking cancer that currently eats at his brain. So on one level I know that I must accept his journey and how it unfolds for him, take the lessons he teaches me about courage and love and openness as a gift from him and let his journey unfold as it should. Support him as best I can and deal with the outcomes. Then there is the hurt Mommy-ME not wanting that for his Mom and Dad, or for me and mine who have grown to love him like he was ours. And the irony is that no matter what I want, or do, this story will unfold as it is meant too. My role in this story is a small one, a supporting cast member. I see myself on the stage, ready to yell out a line from another play... a line that does not belong on this stage... and I can't, my throat is closed and I continue to play the rehearsed role... I accept what is and wait... and wait for outcomes.

Macbeth, Act V, Sc. V
To-morrow, and to-morrow, and to-morrow,creeps in this petty pace from day to day,
to the last syllable of recorded time; And all our yesterdays have lighted fools
the way to dusty death. Out, out, brief candle! Life's but a walking shadow,
a poor player that struts and frets his hour upon the stage and then is heard no more: it is a tale told by an idiot, full of sound and fury, signifying nothing.

and the irony is that the only thing that is real is this moment and at this moment it means everything!

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