I am struggling to accept my humanness and would rather be spirit.. that is not to say I would rather be dead... leaving those I love behind would be too painful.. but the draw of divine with one of my children on the other side is very desirable... I think I am supposed to learn balance in this too... how to be both fully human and fully spirit... equally... not being consumed by either at the expense of the other.
Balance has been a major theme in my life. It is always balance I learn.. not to be consumed by any one thing and when I do the Universe pulls me back, sometimes aggressively, to teach me about balance... in the deepest pain and the darkest hour I learn... When my heart is broken and my anger is great I learn compassion and love... sometimes in giving and sometimes in receiving... when Mary died, for example, at the darkest part of my grief I was overcome by love... love poured out at me from even the most unexpected places, and I relished it... I reveled in it and my heart mended... I was once again a work of Joy... when I thought my whole world would come crashing down because I could no longer cope in my work that I loved... and I could not take it any more.. a door way opened and I learned... and I continue to learn.
And now I struggle to accept my humanness when we human's are raping the earth, killing one another for oil and power and when money and ownership is the measure of a person's worth... I struggle to understand slavery... Oh, we do not pick them up in boats anymore or trick them with our wampum.. well not as openly and conspicuously... we enslave with labels and consumerism.. we are all slaves to corporate greed.. selling us those things we just can not live without.. creating a false self-esteem in ownership... if you act now, you too can be the proud owner of this 2009... bla bla bla... marketing selling us an illusion of happiness... and I struggle to find that balance between my spirit of love and light and the earthly body of greed and gluttony... I struggle to make sense of it all... I struggle, but I am winning and I can taste the balance.. it is near at hand... and I am grateful.
PS- Universe/Love/Divine/Goddess/God/Creator/Self... I want to learn... I am open to learning... I just need a little gentle learning now :-)
Friday, October 31, 2008
Monday, October 27, 2008
Freedom
LOVE is the only answer... and each of us finds our path through a different guide.. for some it is Jesus, Oh man if we really listen he is love... or Buddha... or whatever... but it is being open to love... for me that is to accept everything as it is.. that includes ourselves... in this moment... the only thing that is real is this moment... and we must learn to flow with it, through it.. and yes sometimes it is like riding a huge wave that you feel will certainly be the end of you... and sometimes we want it to be the end of us, especially when grieving or in deep deep pain... connection to the divine in all of us is essential for self love and having the ability to recognize the divine in others opens us to that deep spiritual love our souls crave... that does not mean I have to walk a path another sets... because that is not my path.. sometimes my path is to open myself up to the living earth and feel the beat of Nature.. the divine is there.. Nature is my church and I do not walk alone... I feel the angels walk with me.. I feel my angel guides like they are another me..but reality is I am them.. we are all one from the same source... open to that learning.. I have long ago stopped imposing my will and allow right action to flow through me.. it is always the will of the collective universe... it is always the will of Love.... and love has many names... Goddess, God, Creator, Universal Protector... he/she/they said "I am who I am".. just accept what is and learn to flow with it... As Toni Morrison says.. "You got to free yourself from the shit that weighs you do in order to fly"... stop thinking.. just be with things and see where it goes... and feel your spirit soar! :-)
Thursday, October 23, 2008
Human on Hold!
Yeah.. the Mary Fund site is back.. www.themaryfund.com
I have felt like my humanness has been on hold, until now... I feel alive.. I feel my breathe... I have been holding it for 2 years and 6 months... probably longer, but that is how long I have been aware of it... feeling my physical body has been on hold... I was numb... and finally I feel! but what I feel is a mixed bag of emotions and memories and pains and joys and losses... I have been on hold and now I no longer fell like I am drowning... so why am I crying so hard.
I have felt like my humanness has been on hold, until now... I feel alive.. I feel my breathe... I have been holding it for 2 years and 6 months... probably longer, but that is how long I have been aware of it... feeling my physical body has been on hold... I was numb... and finally I feel! but what I feel is a mixed bag of emotions and memories and pains and joys and losses... I have been on hold and now I no longer fell like I am drowning... so why am I crying so hard.
Monday, October 13, 2008
Week end Thoughts....
1. Why is Turkey so delicious stuffed?
2. Why are people so loud when in Nature and why do parents let children rip leaves off trees instead of teaching them respect? Can they not hear the trees talking?
3. Why are polluting fossil fuels still allowed on our planet when we have the technology to move way beyond?
4. Why do some people minimize another's contribution to how smoothly things run and how do the contributors stand that minimization year after year without going insane? Or does a little bit of us die each time we do not defend the self?
5. Why is it that I never spill hot coffee on dirty slippers, just new laundered ones?
6. There is a time and place for Pink Floyd, just not when I am held captive in the back seat without sedation.
7. No matter how hard you try, some people just will not engage you in conversation, even if you are together for hours and hours and hours.
8. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder, and joy comes from beholding all things as beautiful.
9. Club House sandwiches really are fabulous.
10. Gratitude everyday, for everything, that is the key to unlocking the inner child and not taking our lives for granted.
11. When we stop taking our lives for granted, then others follow suit. "It's a funny thing about life; if you refuse to accept anything but the best, you very often get it." W. Somerset Maugham
12. I am grateful for all learning, even the hard stuff, because I have been shown both the light and the dark, and now I know how to choose.
13. Trees heal the planet, and if you listen, can heal your soul.
14. Apple juice running down your chin is funny and tasty.
15. Not everything is as you think, then somethings are exactly what you thought. Wisdom is knowing the difference and then letting go of that outcome, after all how people are just tells you about who they are, it is not your problem to do anything about it. The only thing you control is you.
16. Leftovers are an effortless way to remember.
17. If children's laughter is annoying, then you need to figure out why because that is the purest source of joy.
18. Listening to old music can transport you back in time, momentarily. But why live in the past? We tend to mostly think of what was with sadness and longing in a way that stops us from loving the present.
19. Bliss can, on occasion, be found in getting lost in a biscuit covered with strawberries and whipped cream. It can also be found in pure unadulterated living in the now.
20. ("There is nothing either good or bad, but thinking makes it so." - from Hamlet, Wm. Shakespeare; Act II, scene ii) Working on losing my need to judge has released me from societal and self imposed shackles.
2. Why are people so loud when in Nature and why do parents let children rip leaves off trees instead of teaching them respect? Can they not hear the trees talking?
3. Why are polluting fossil fuels still allowed on our planet when we have the technology to move way beyond?
4. Why do some people minimize another's contribution to how smoothly things run and how do the contributors stand that minimization year after year without going insane? Or does a little bit of us die each time we do not defend the self?
5. Why is it that I never spill hot coffee on dirty slippers, just new laundered ones?
6. There is a time and place for Pink Floyd, just not when I am held captive in the back seat without sedation.
7. No matter how hard you try, some people just will not engage you in conversation, even if you are together for hours and hours and hours.
8. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder, and joy comes from beholding all things as beautiful.
9. Club House sandwiches really are fabulous.
10. Gratitude everyday, for everything, that is the key to unlocking the inner child and not taking our lives for granted.
11. When we stop taking our lives for granted, then others follow suit. "It's a funny thing about life; if you refuse to accept anything but the best, you very often get it." W. Somerset Maugham
12. I am grateful for all learning, even the hard stuff, because I have been shown both the light and the dark, and now I know how to choose.
13. Trees heal the planet, and if you listen, can heal your soul.
14. Apple juice running down your chin is funny and tasty.
15. Not everything is as you think, then somethings are exactly what you thought. Wisdom is knowing the difference and then letting go of that outcome, after all how people are just tells you about who they are, it is not your problem to do anything about it. The only thing you control is you.
16. Leftovers are an effortless way to remember.
17. If children's laughter is annoying, then you need to figure out why because that is the purest source of joy.
18. Listening to old music can transport you back in time, momentarily. But why live in the past? We tend to mostly think of what was with sadness and longing in a way that stops us from loving the present.
19. Bliss can, on occasion, be found in getting lost in a biscuit covered with strawberries and whipped cream. It can also be found in pure unadulterated living in the now.
20. ("There is nothing either good or bad, but thinking makes it so." - from Hamlet, Wm. Shakespeare; Act II, scene ii) Working on losing my need to judge has released me from societal and self imposed shackles.
Saturday, October 11, 2008
High Park among the trees...
I am listening to Fiest eating an omelet and thinking my happy feet need to be among the trees so off I am going to High Park. I am thinking about Thanksgiving and what I am thankful for. I am thinking today and will let you know what I thought.
Tuesday, October 7, 2008
letter to the Premier and to the Telegraph Journal!
Dear Premier Graham,
I am writing to you today about the banning of pesticides in
For the past 15+ years I have been an outspoken activist on the subject of toxics in children. I was forced into the fray when my son, who is now 20, was poisoned by toxic cleaning products used in his elementary school. He became hyper sensitive to all chemicals, which included perfumes, solvents and pesticides, to name a few. When this happened to him he was an exemplary student in Grade 2. Within a few months he forgot how to read and write, he developed body rashes, nose bleeds, cracked and bleeding skin… there is a list! For 4 years he was in and out of the public system until the school was rendered chemically safe. But his issues did not stop there. Through out his academic career he struggled, eventually leaving school during grade 12. He is currently apprenticing as a plumber.
I worked extremely hard to create a non-toxic, safe and healthy home and environment for he and his 3 sisters. In 2006 I was asked to participate in a study of toxins in families and to my surprise; my family was the least toxic of all the families in the study.
I wish my story stopped there. I wish my story had a happy ending. But also in 2006, my youngest daughter Mary was diagnosed with a rare bone marrow disease called Severe Aplastic Anemia. The cause was investigated by the IWK and
I wish my story stopped to, but it didn’t and each day I think about Mary and how much I miss her. I think about my remaining children and my yet unborn grandchildren and what legacy I am leaving them. I think about how angry I am that no one has done anything substantive, in my life time, to protect children from unwanted exposure to environmental toxins. I think about how many other children I have seen die in the past 2 years, and those who are still fighting with all their little might. And I wonder who will be their champion? Who will be brave enough to stand up and say no more toxins in our children!
And now you and your government have the unique opportunity to bring in a piece of legislation that could save a child’s life. I urge you to make the right choice and ban pesticides for cosmetic purposes. I implore you to be Mary’s champion and make the elimination of harmful toxins a priority for this Government.
Monday, October 6, 2008
a day close to the earth
There is something amazing about a big old tree... the energy around it is so gentle, knowing and grounding and this week end I had the pleasure of communing with an old growth big redwood tree at the Royal Botanical Gardens in Burlington, Ontario (Martha will know this place well)... I had thought, for some odd reason, that I was going to Niagara, but this marvelous place was closer than I thought. What beauty, what amazing energy and what a joyous labour of love. And even though summer is winding down and change is happening, there was plenty to see and touch and smell and yes even taste a little. This place is so large that it will take many visits and seasons to see it all, and because nature is constantly in a state of change and flux, this feat may not be possible. But oh, what a joyous attempt that will be to try, the joy is in the trying I would think. The cacti and succulent growth was amazing.. huge palms with leaves the size of me, Aloe Vera that stand taller that an adult and a cork tree, I never knew. I felt blessed to see an endangered wollemi pine behind iron gates, which sent a chilling message about the fragile state of our planet. Along with the dark green pine were ageless ferns and others that have been around since the dinosaurs roamed the earth.
Outside, in the Hendrie Park Gardens we were treated to a expansive Environmental Art display from multiple artists, that ran on as we strolled the gardens. Sculptures of all shapes and sizes, molded copper statues and cut tin scenes; wood carved faces and huge pots, art of all shapes and sizes and textures that refract the light and create a barrier to it... sights and simulations that illicit deep emotions and stuck a cord of frivolity and lightheartedness. All of this intermingled with herbs and flowers and brush and trees, that in itself is a brilliant work of art everyone should see. http://www.rbg.ca/
Towards the end of our stroll we ventured out onto the spacious deck of the garden tea house and were delighted by a hot pot of tea and black current scones with Devon cream and jam. There was a wonderful folk singer, lulling us with a soothing melody of a dulcimer that felt brogue, but was entirely modern.
Maybe it was the cool fall air, maybe it was the abundance of living things in a state of change that reflects my own or maybe it was the scones, but one thing is for sure, I felt happy and contented and joyful surrounded by the simplicity and deliciousness of the day.
Outside, in the Hendrie Park Gardens we were treated to a expansive Environmental Art display from multiple artists, that ran on as we strolled the gardens. Sculptures of all shapes and sizes, molded copper statues and cut tin scenes; wood carved faces and huge pots, art of all shapes and sizes and textures that refract the light and create a barrier to it... sights and simulations that illicit deep emotions and stuck a cord of frivolity and lightheartedness. All of this intermingled with herbs and flowers and brush and trees, that in itself is a brilliant work of art everyone should see. http://www.rbg.ca/
Towards the end of our stroll we ventured out onto the spacious deck of the garden tea house and were delighted by a hot pot of tea and black current scones with Devon cream and jam. There was a wonderful folk singer, lulling us with a soothing melody of a dulcimer that felt brogue, but was entirely modern.
Maybe it was the cool fall air, maybe it was the abundance of living things in a state of change that reflects my own or maybe it was the scones, but one thing is for sure, I felt happy and contented and joyful surrounded by the simplicity and deliciousness of the day.
Saturday, October 4, 2008
the days stroll by...
The psychic told me that the money is coming, only slowly, that my heart belongs on the west coast and I should open my retreat there, and there is a man in my near future... Ohhhh my!! (insert fanning here) hehe
This week has been trying, when things happen to the kids while I am away it stresses me, Zech wiped out and took out a few front teeth and yesterday, Hanna fell and got 4 stitches in her leg.. ugh I am glad their dad is there with them, I am not sure I could manage this without that. The other trying thing is that my massage class is always chaotic and the energy is not conducive to being mellow and learning. I have had to take drastic measures and become very insular so that the exterior chaos does not impact the lesson, I am grateful that I can do that, but it is exhausting. My new purple massage table arrived and I am very excited to begin to practice what I am learning. And I had my first psychotherapist visit and it seems like it could be great... it is part of the program and I think at some point we could all benefit from a little therapy. Letting go of big chunks of grief has already happen for me and that has been a blessing.
Today Julie and Gerard and I spent the whole morning and part of the afternoon at a huge Ikea store... I got some very interesting Christmas and Birthday gifts... and just loved everything that I saw.. lovely!!
Tonight we are having a strawberry daiquiri and chocolate night and watching sex and the city with friends... tomorrow I am off to the Niagara region to look at the fall colors.. brilliant!
What I know to be true... childhood shame can make you become an overachiever.. which is good, but not when it is exhausting!
And oh did I enjoy the Leaders debate.. my dear friend Elizabeth May took the night and was brilliant... I hope she gets elected!! In Fundy Royal I am voting for Rob Moir (NDP) he is by and large the BEST candidate for the job and I hope that he gets elected... check out his site... http://www.robmoirndp.com/
This week has been trying, when things happen to the kids while I am away it stresses me, Zech wiped out and took out a few front teeth and yesterday, Hanna fell and got 4 stitches in her leg.. ugh I am glad their dad is there with them, I am not sure I could manage this without that. The other trying thing is that my massage class is always chaotic and the energy is not conducive to being mellow and learning. I have had to take drastic measures and become very insular so that the exterior chaos does not impact the lesson, I am grateful that I can do that, but it is exhausting. My new purple massage table arrived and I am very excited to begin to practice what I am learning. And I had my first psychotherapist visit and it seems like it could be great... it is part of the program and I think at some point we could all benefit from a little therapy. Letting go of big chunks of grief has already happen for me and that has been a blessing.
Today Julie and Gerard and I spent the whole morning and part of the afternoon at a huge Ikea store... I got some very interesting Christmas and Birthday gifts... and just loved everything that I saw.. lovely!!
Tonight we are having a strawberry daiquiri and chocolate night and watching sex and the city with friends... tomorrow I am off to the Niagara region to look at the fall colors.. brilliant!
What I know to be true... childhood shame can make you become an overachiever.. which is good, but not when it is exhausting!
And oh did I enjoy the Leaders debate.. my dear friend Elizabeth May took the night and was brilliant... I hope she gets elected!! In Fundy Royal I am voting for Rob Moir (NDP) he is by and large the BEST candidate for the job and I hope that he gets elected... check out his site... http://www.robmoirndp.com/
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