Yesterday I spent the afternoon with my good friend Doreen at Sick Kids where her son Ben, who also has Aplastic Anemia, had surgery. The first time I went back to the hospital, which was earlier in the year, my heart skipped a beat and fear was in the pit of my stomach, but yesterday I had none of those same feelings. I was so happy to see Doreen and Ben that I never gave it much thought. And maybe that is the key to healing broken hearts, just choose not to dwell on it. Thinking about something negative over and over definately makes any situation worse. I know that the first time I went back I thought about it a lot, that Mary died there, that I had not been back since then, that I would be scared when I went.... every time I thought about Sick Kids it was in the negative, it was about me and my loss... if I even pictured the hospital I would get all in a twist, and now all I focused on was Ben's surgery and his healing. It really is amazing how powerful a change of mind can be. I felt free to walk about and support my friend and listen and send healing light to she and Ben without thought to my loss. There were a few times I did think of Mary, of course I would, when I washed my hands with that dreaded Bacti-stat soap that I had to wash me and her with day in and day out... the smell triggered memories and I let those memories flow, did not fight them, did not stop them, just watched them play out like an observer, and giggled at the memory of the funny things Mary would say about the soap.
Doreen's husband was there with her, so that free'd us to go out to supper together and back I went to the Elephant and Castle, cold beer on tap with many to choose from and the best roast beef and yorkshire pudding this side of my kitchen, you may remember me talking about it before, but this time I got a Club House sandwich, which was also good and a cold Stella! hummmmm Stella!
I am finding my way via the subway and buses and am enjoying each day and the adventure it brings.