Friday, April 3, 2009

thinking time...

You may, or may not have noticed but I have been a bit of a slacker of late when it comes to posting... but in my defense it is because School is in full swing, case studies are piling up and I am planning a clinic day at the school. Well, we both know I can handle that pressure easily and in true Patty form, everything is up to date and under control (but it is hard work being this organized). The real reason is that I have been in a contemplative state unable to sort some stuff out... triggers abound and I have taken a bite out of each one of them. Then I fall back on that same old comfortable anger pattern focused on him. Today, however, I feel like I have sorted it as far as I need to too make sense of it, to learn from it and to be able to let go of this pattern. And what I have come up with is this... even with all that I know and all that I do the common denominator in this tragedy is me and while I do believe I think in response to him reaching out, continuing to think about it is me. Soooo to let it go I need to say out loud a variation of what I keep thinking, send it back with Gratitude for the learning and let it go.

So here goes...
"There are 2 huge differences between you and I that make it impossible for us to ever be friends again. The first is that your Engineer life is moving in a different direction than mine, and as I come closer to Spirit and Nature I feel farther away from who we were together. The second, and to my human form, the most important: 2 years, 4 Months and 3 days have gone by and a soul friend would not have let that happen without some kind of recognition of my great loss. I want to believe that you do not know the outcome because the later is so hurtful. I know what I would have done if it was your child who died. I would have sent a card and said, I know you said go but I could not let this tragic event happen without saying my heart is hurting for you and your family. But then again you are not me, you are you and I need to let that go with love."

This exercise has shown me that each time something happens to me that triggers my anger I fall back on the same whipping post he done me wrong topic and that sends negative energy out into the world, and quite possibly to this person who is doing as I asked, staying gone, and that is not what I want. I am not sure why I fall back on anger patterns as I make sense of other anger triggers, but I do it and I wanted to put this out into the Universe to let go and make amends for any negative energy I have unconsciously sent.

I am who I am
because yesterday
you were who you were
and that has made all the difference

So today, I let go of all outdated and outmoded emotional responses that do not work for my highest good or bring me closer to living my Soul's purpose. With Love and Gratitude for the learning I let him go.

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