fear another other dirty words....

Here I am again... not sure of what to say.. what do do... or how to do it... Zoe's death day is the 10th... it has been 5 years... and that is the marker for my great fear... the loss of a child... it is like darling sweet Zoe softens that blow... and I am grateful to her for that... very grateful!

today....

Just before Christmas my God Mother died... Germaine... I loved her so much... I had spent 20 or so hours making a scrapbook for her the week end before... the day I found out was the day I was going to give it to her... her family said that it was a grand tribute that I will always have to remember her by... they said she would have loved it... I look at it often and they are right... I do love it!

But Germaine's death left a sour taste in my mouth for the whole festive that I tired to shake off with everything from wine to laughter... but it was all fake, looking from the outside you would not have known... and the Oscar goes too... really!

And today I am getting ready to go to another wake.. this time for a neighbour, Phil Percy, who was my son's best friend's dad... only 52, taken by cancer... and it reminds me of how fleeting life is... how soon it can end.... and how important it is to live each day to the fullest, leave no stone unturned and say what you mean and mean what you say... Say what you mean and mean what you say.

I taught Level 1 Reiki this past week end and it was amazing... I am thankful each and every day for the ability to share my learning with others... I am grateful... I am gratitude... and darling Leanne gifted me the most amazing painting of chakra's that I have ever seen... it is filled with movement and message.... I love it.

And I know that Germaine and Phil are in that place where someday I will be ready to return.. that they are singing with the angels and that makes this and everyday OK.

Mary Donovan, May 28th 1991- November 30th, 2006

I have been reluctant to start this year, not wanting to think of the awfulness, not wanting to dredge up the pain and not wanting to experience it all over again. And then I realized it is with me everyday, it hasn’t gone anywhere, it is there, deep within and I hide it, hide from it. Only wanting you back, and wanting to see you grow and mature. Missing that. Missing the sound of your voice and the smell of your hair, when I kiss the top of your head. Missing your hugs and your laughter. Wondering what you would look like after all this time. How your voice would sound and what words you would choose to use. Would your laugh still be the same as we remember it? Missing that… missing…. 4 years of missing and while we breathe in and out and life goes on, the awfulness is still there. I guess it always will be. We do not show it the same way, but it has not changed, it has not left us. But in our hearts, neither have you Marmy Cake. Forever and always Mom, Zech, Emma and Hanna

Death is Nothing at all!

Death is nothing at all

I have only slipped away into the next room

I am I and you are you

Whatever we were to each other

That we are still

Call me by my old familiar name

Speak to me in the easy way you always used

Put no difference into your tone

Wear no forced air of solemnity or sorrow

Laugh as we always laughed

At the little jokes we always enjoyed together

Play, smile, think of me, pray for me

Let my name be ever the household word that it always was

Let it be spoken without effort

Without the ghost of a shadow in it

Life means all that it ever meant

It is the same as it ever was

There is absolute unbroken continuity

What is death but a negligible accident?

Why should I be out of mind

Because I am out of sight?

I am waiting for you for an interval

Somewhere very near

Just around the corner

All is well.

Nothing is past; nothing is lost

One brief moment and all will be as it was before

How we shall laugh at the trouble of parting when we meet again!



Canon Henry Scott-Holland, 1847-1918, Canon of St Paul's Cathedral

wow... June already....

It is like I have all of these thoughts and wondering's, but not enough time to think them through, be articulate or even focus enough to make sense of them.... I think that is the last few months theme... the event was miraculous and I was able to offer a 2500.00 scholarship... with enough to spare to start a proper fund.... Zech was in a ATV accident and is now laid off because he can not work... Emma is excitedly preparing for her cross country journey and Hanna has found a great apt in the city and is doing well... and me, well I am overwhelmed, unfocused and a bit lost.. and not sure how to find it again!

Hanna turns 19 and other things....

On May 28th Hanna turns 19... and so would Mary... Hanna still looks the same as she did at 15... Mary would too... I wonder how I will feel when she doesn't... in my memory will Mary stay the same or age... Hanna will be 19... 19 years... how it flies by!

On Saturday, May 29th, 2010 the Mary Fund will be hosting “An Evening of Art and Music” at the Kent Theater, 24 Coburg Street, Saint John, from 8:00pm to 1:30am, to raise money for a Youth scholarship. This scholarship is to support a local high school youth financially so that they can attend a program of higher learning in either art or music. This year the scholarship will be awarded to a student KVHS, as that was Mary’s alma-mater. The fund was established to honor my 15 year old daughter, Mary Donovan, who, on November 30th 2006, at the age of 15 died following a bone marrow transplant. Mary was a work of art, she drew and played bass guitar, and she wrote plays and poetry and dreamed of being a website designer where all of her talents could be employed.

This event is sure to draw a crowd. With music from Divine Heist, The Matt Dylan Band, Clinton Charlton, Seven Crows and Jam Spots and Hospitals. There will a live art auction and multiple raffles for items to be draw through out the evening.

Join us!

Thoughts on turning 50.....

On Tuesday, at 11:55pm, give or take a few minutes, i will have spent 50 years on this planet…. and a lot has changed… in my lifetime technology has revolutionized our way of living, some things for the better and some not… many people i have loved have left me, some for greater places and some not…. i have led, and been a part of, many charges, some have made transformation possible and some have not…. the constant in this saga is me and to me, i have changed more than all of these things.... through each up hill climb, each fall and each pain i have grown and changed.... through each leisurely walk, each climb and each joy i have grown and changed…. and at 50 i have realized that in my life the only other constant is change… my job is to learn to flow with it, like the wind, not judging just accepting what is, because i am certain that, even if i do not like what is, things will change.

Thank you to each experience, both good and bad, for facilitating my change and growth… I may not have liked you at the time, but in hindsight am grateful for the learning!

Thank you to my Parents for giving me biological life and to all those who have crossed my path to teach me, torment me and love me… I am grateful for the learning!

Thank you.