Mary Donovan, May 28th 1991- November 30th, 2006

I have been reluctant to start this year, not wanting to think of the awfulness, not wanting to dredge up the pain and not wanting to experience it all over again. And then I realized it is with me everyday, it hasn’t gone anywhere, it is there, deep within and I hide it, hide from it. Only wanting you back, and wanting to see you grow and mature. Missing that. Missing the sound of your voice and the smell of your hair, when I kiss the top of your head. Missing your hugs and your laughter. Wondering what you would look like after all this time. How your voice would sound and what words you would choose to use. Would your laugh still be the same as we remember it? Missing that… missing…. 4 years of missing and while we breathe in and out and life goes on, the awfulness is still there. I guess it always will be. We do not show it the same way, but it has not changed, it has not left us. But in our hearts, neither have you Marmy Cake. Forever and always Mom, Zech, Emma and Hanna

Death is Nothing at all!

Death is nothing at all

I have only slipped away into the next room

I am I and you are you

Whatever we were to each other

That we are still

Call me by my old familiar name

Speak to me in the easy way you always used

Put no difference into your tone

Wear no forced air of solemnity or sorrow

Laugh as we always laughed

At the little jokes we always enjoyed together

Play, smile, think of me, pray for me

Let my name be ever the household word that it always was

Let it be spoken without effort

Without the ghost of a shadow in it

Life means all that it ever meant

It is the same as it ever was

There is absolute unbroken continuity

What is death but a negligible accident?

Why should I be out of mind

Because I am out of sight?

I am waiting for you for an interval

Somewhere very near

Just around the corner

All is well.

Nothing is past; nothing is lost

One brief moment and all will be as it was before

How we shall laugh at the trouble of parting when we meet again!



Canon Henry Scott-Holland, 1847-1918, Canon of St Paul's Cathedral

wow... June already....

It is like I have all of these thoughts and wondering's, but not enough time to think them through, be articulate or even focus enough to make sense of them.... I think that is the last few months theme... the event was miraculous and I was able to offer a 2500.00 scholarship... with enough to spare to start a proper fund.... Zech was in a ATV accident and is now laid off because he can not work... Emma is excitedly preparing for her cross country journey and Hanna has found a great apt in the city and is doing well... and me, well I am overwhelmed, unfocused and a bit lost.. and not sure how to find it again!

Hanna turns 19 and other things....

On May 28th Hanna turns 19... and so would Mary... Hanna still looks the same as she did at 15... Mary would too... I wonder how I will feel when she doesn't... in my memory will Mary stay the same or age... Hanna will be 19... 19 years... how it flies by!

On Saturday, May 29th, 2010 the Mary Fund will be hosting “An Evening of Art and Music” at the Kent Theater, 24 Coburg Street, Saint John, from 8:00pm to 1:30am, to raise money for a Youth scholarship. This scholarship is to support a local high school youth financially so that they can attend a program of higher learning in either art or music. This year the scholarship will be awarded to a student KVHS, as that was Mary’s alma-mater. The fund was established to honor my 15 year old daughter, Mary Donovan, who, on November 30th 2006, at the age of 15 died following a bone marrow transplant. Mary was a work of art, she drew and played bass guitar, and she wrote plays and poetry and dreamed of being a website designer where all of her talents could be employed.

This event is sure to draw a crowd. With music from Divine Heist, The Matt Dylan Band, Clinton Charlton, Seven Crows and Jam Spots and Hospitals. There will a live art auction and multiple raffles for items to be draw through out the evening.

Join us!

Thoughts on turning 50.....

On Tuesday, at 11:55pm, give or take a few minutes, i will have spent 50 years on this planet…. and a lot has changed… in my lifetime technology has revolutionized our way of living, some things for the better and some not… many people i have loved have left me, some for greater places and some not…. i have led, and been a part of, many charges, some have made transformation possible and some have not…. the constant in this saga is me and to me, i have changed more than all of these things.... through each up hill climb, each fall and each pain i have grown and changed.... through each leisurely walk, each climb and each joy i have grown and changed…. and at 50 i have realized that in my life the only other constant is change… my job is to learn to flow with it, like the wind, not judging just accepting what is, because i am certain that, even if i do not like what is, things will change.

Thank you to each experience, both good and bad, for facilitating my change and growth… I may not have liked you at the time, but in hindsight am grateful for the learning!

Thank you to my Parents for giving me biological life and to all those who have crossed my path to teach me, torment me and love me… I am grateful for the learning!

Thank you.

Finding Peace admist the chaos....

Every thing is perfect as it is… even that which we dislike or even hate, in its decrepitude, it is perfection… every thing is what it is…. It is our opinion, judgment or an emotion, which makes it either good or evil… some things exist to teach us and to challenge our perceptions… some things exist to teach those going through it, but can be both at the same time.. Every thing is a learning moment… the ultimate choice is to rise above that which we perceive, without judgment and be free from the confines of our minds! This could be an end to suffering… it could be!

May 29th.. it is what it is.. perfection!

Fundraiser....

On May 29th, 2010 I will be hosting a music and Art fundraiser at the Kent Theater in memory of my daughter Mary and the proceeds will go to creating a music/art scholarship for a local high school student to attend college/university to study either genre. If you or anyone you know might want to participate and play music, donate art to the auction or would like to help out in any way please let me know... themaryfund@hotmail.com