Sometimes, just sometimes, no matter how patient I am, or how hard I try, things do not always work out as I hoped or wanted or thought I needed them too. Things do, however, work out as they should and in the end I realize that it was nothing but emptiness wanting to be filled (an illusion) and a longing to fit and be welcome in something that is not meant for me.... sometimes there is just not enough patience and no matter how hard I try to change me to let things be as they are, I get hurt in the process.... I am not sure you can have intimate relationships without expectations of some sort and it it exactly those expectations that lead to being disappointed when what you expected does not happen... even worse, when the expectations turn negative and we get exactly as we expect... that is the time to call it a day.... to name the end.... to own the dysfunction... to let go of both negative and positive expectations and free yourself from the relationships that are not working... because if only one person is working on a relationship then it is doomed.... why wait for anger.. why wait until you are crushed... why wait when you know.... why wait!
So as I sit an ponder how we, as women, are socialized to take care of others I see that I have, on occasion, distorted that and that makes me unhappy.... so my pledge to me on this day of celebration of all things feminine is to release myself of that need in my relationships and in the words of the great author Toni Morrison.... "Freeing yourself was one thing; claiming ownership of that freed self was another." And, on this auspicious day, my wish for each women is that she too finds her freedom from all the shit that weighs her down so that she can soar!
Written by a Woman ready to claim her freedom!
Monday, March 8, 2010
Wednesday, February 24, 2010
Mary E. Grover 1936-2010
The last of my Mary's gets her angel wings.....
It is with great sadness that we announce the death of Mary Elizabeth Grover, widow of Morton on February 22, 2010 following a brief battle with leukemia. Born December 1, 1936, Mary was the daughter of the late Colin and Regis (McDermott) Ewing.
Mary was born in Hampton, NB, and during her young life, she resided in North Sydney, NS, later returning to Hampton. While attending Hampton Consolidated School, she was the recipient of the Governor General’s Award for Public Speaking. As a young adult, Mary worked as an operator with the New Brunswick Telephone Company, and later at the Provincial Assessor’s Office in Hampton. Mary, Morton, and daughter Susan lived in Regina, SK, where Morton was stationed with the RCMP. Upon retirement, they returned to the Maritimes spending many years in Kentville, and Mount Uniacke, NS. where they enjoyed gatherings with members of both families who lived nearby. In their final years, they moved to Sunny Corner Farm in Mount Hebron, NB and Mary became an integral part of her daughter’s horse farm--raising and caring for horses. Mary loved the horses and all of the people who came to ride and participate in shows held at the farm, especially the children. Mary’s life was guided by selfless acts of kindness and caring. She devoted her time and talents to the others, mentoring her many nieces and nephews, judging 4H speaking competitions, lending a skilled hand at horse shows, while all the time being the very best mother anyone could ever have.
She is survived by one daughter Susan Hill (Jamie) of Mount Hebron, NB; one sister Margaret Ryan of Hampton, NB; three brothers Ronald (Eileen) of Windsor, ON, Kenneth (Susan) of Kemptville, ON and David (Susan) of Abbotsford, BC. She was predeceased by six brothers John, Arthur, Leonard, George, Gerald, Fred, and one sister Florence Price.
Arrangements are entrusted to Reid’s Funeral Home, 1063 Main Street, Hampton, NB, (506) 832-5541. Respecting Mary’s request, cremation has taken place and a Mass of Christian Burial will be held at Saint Alphonsus Church, Hampton, NB at 10:00 a.m. on Saturday, February 27 with internment at Saint Alphonsus Cemetery to follow at a later date.
For those who wish, Memorial donations to any charity of the donor’s choice would be appreciated by the family.
It is with great sadness that we announce the death of Mary Elizabeth Grover, widow of Morton on February 22, 2010 following a brief battle with leukemia. Born December 1, 1936, Mary was the daughter of the late Colin and Regis (McDermott) Ewing.
Mary was born in Hampton, NB, and during her young life, she resided in North Sydney, NS, later returning to Hampton. While attending Hampton Consolidated School, she was the recipient of the Governor General’s Award for Public Speaking. As a young adult, Mary worked as an operator with the New Brunswick Telephone Company, and later at the Provincial Assessor’s Office in Hampton. Mary, Morton, and daughter Susan lived in Regina, SK, where Morton was stationed with the RCMP. Upon retirement, they returned to the Maritimes spending many years in Kentville, and Mount Uniacke, NS. where they enjoyed gatherings with members of both families who lived nearby. In their final years, they moved to Sunny Corner Farm in Mount Hebron, NB and Mary became an integral part of her daughter’s horse farm--raising and caring for horses. Mary loved the horses and all of the people who came to ride and participate in shows held at the farm, especially the children. Mary’s life was guided by selfless acts of kindness and caring. She devoted her time and talents to the others, mentoring her many nieces and nephews, judging 4H speaking competitions, lending a skilled hand at horse shows, while all the time being the very best mother anyone could ever have.
She is survived by one daughter Susan Hill (Jamie) of Mount Hebron, NB; one sister Margaret Ryan of Hampton, NB; three brothers Ronald (Eileen) of Windsor, ON, Kenneth (Susan) of Kemptville, ON and David (Susan) of Abbotsford, BC. She was predeceased by six brothers John, Arthur, Leonard, George, Gerald, Fred, and one sister Florence Price.
Arrangements are entrusted to Reid’s Funeral Home, 1063 Main Street, Hampton, NB, (506) 832-5541. Respecting Mary’s request, cremation has taken place and a Mass of Christian Burial will be held at Saint Alphonsus Church, Hampton, NB at 10:00 a.m. on Saturday, February 27 with internment at Saint Alphonsus Cemetery to follow at a later date.
For those who wish, Memorial donations to any charity of the donor’s choice would be appreciated by the family.
Monday, February 1, 2010
choices....
a matter of choice
I am the weaver
and I must arrange the color and texture
to create a tapestry overflowing with splendor
metaphors that explain me
the pattern is before me but also the power to choose freely
juxtaposed images of truth and lies, life and death, joy and sorrow
a realization of the workings of the design
the loom predetermined by birth and assignment
but the search will unfold boundless shades to pick from
and if I ponder the seamstresses purposeful plan
I can choose to stop the wood as it slides through the fibers
because the color will not bring me comfort
or I can embrace the fine silken strands that surround
and blend the shades to beget glory within
the accouterments already in place
how we use them is a matter of choice
I am the weaver
and I must arrange the color and texture
to create a tapestry overflowing with splendor
metaphors that explain me
the pattern is before me but also the power to choose freely
juxtaposed images of truth and lies, life and death, joy and sorrow
a realization of the workings of the design
the loom predetermined by birth and assignment
but the search will unfold boundless shades to pick from
and if I ponder the seamstresses purposeful plan
I can choose to stop the wood as it slides through the fibers
because the color will not bring me comfort
or I can embrace the fine silken strands that surround
and blend the shades to beget glory within
the accouterments already in place
how we use them is a matter of choice
Saturday, January 23, 2010
Sunshine....
The sun is shinning brightly and reflected off the trees behind my house, the world is cold and crisp and clean.... and the day is unfolding with magic.... starting with my wonderful Patty-chouli soap made by my good friends at Sudsmuffin... aromatherapy is really a brilliant way to start a day!
The ice covered bush
bent by an oppressive weight tries desperately to hold on,
for the sun to resurrect the world again ,
and give us warmth, and comfort, and solace.
Finally it comes, and as it shone through the densely laden branches
millions of tiny rainbows flowed outward and inward.
Magnificence, symbolic of the first covenant, juxtaposed
by exposed succulent fibers that tink tinkle in the wind.
An exquisite melodic sound fills the air
and yet, distant eerie cries, crack cracking ,
like a silent scream, felt with your heart, is all that is heard.
And as each limb gives itself up, no longer able to wait for salvation,
numbness replaces our joy.
How can something so beautiful be so devastating
and yet, give us hope?
The ice covered bush
bent by an oppressive weight tries desperately to hold on,
for the sun to resurrect the world again ,
and give us warmth, and comfort, and solace.
Finally it comes, and as it shone through the densely laden branches
millions of tiny rainbows flowed outward and inward.
Magnificence, symbolic of the first covenant, juxtaposed
by exposed succulent fibers that tink tinkle in the wind.
An exquisite melodic sound fills the air
and yet, distant eerie cries, crack cracking ,
like a silent scream, felt with your heart, is all that is heard.
And as each limb gives itself up, no longer able to wait for salvation,
numbness replaces our joy.
How can something so beautiful be so devastating
and yet, give us hope?
Friday, January 15, 2010
Another loss somewhere....
I feel everything that happens in the world, almost like an oppressive weight sometimes... then I withdraw... and do not listen any more.... then I am OK again... when I become aware of the weight I am OK again... when something like Haiti happens in the world I feel like dark energy is sitting on my chest, blocking my heart chakra.. So, I Reiki me and I send distant Reiki to it... and that helps... I do not try to make sense of any thing anymore... because this kind of thing does not make sense... Dawson... WTF.. I mean, how do you make sense of that.. my Cody... years battling then dies... why, why, why... it makes no sense... my darling kind, beautiful joyful Mary.. why... why take her from me, and the earth... why... so I do not try to unravel it any more... that makes me crazy... Now I am of the mind.. everything is what it is... and maybe, just maybe, it is not mine to understand... I am not to know why.... I am sure some one is learning something somewhere.... so I just let it be and I worry about what I can control ME... I know that might sound rather simple and escapist but I am but one person, and the weight of the world is not mine to carry, it is God/Goddess/Universe's.... not mine! And in that I am free to love and send light and healing... for David's mom my heart aches, for Dawson's parents my heart bleeds... for each child who suffers and dies my heart breaks... but realizing that I can do nothing, and should do nothing except send light and listen and console frees me to be good at those things... do do those things that when I needed it, really mattered... does that make sense?
Monday, November 30, 2009
3 whole years....
I thought it would get easier after 3 years but it hasn’t. The sound of your sweet voice lingers in the chambers of my heart, and your impish smile is imprinted on my mind. Nothing prepares you for this kind of loss. Nothing. It’s irrational, I know, but I want the whole world to feel your loss with the same intensity as I. And as I grieve, the world spins madly on.
Forever loved and missed by Mom, Zech, Emma and Hanna
Forever loved and missed by Mom, Zech, Emma and Hanna
Tuesday, November 10, 2009
November... floating along in pink sunshine
3 years ago Zoe died and for the first time my heart knew fear.. if it could happen to her, it could happen... real, honest to god, chocking when you breathe, fear... I was never on the verge of loosing.. not like that.... then 3 weeks later, my world came to a complete stand still.. and my heart knew pain.. deep, searing unfathomable pain... and 3 years has flown by and it still seems like yesterday... I miss you more today than yesterday... I miss you.. I really, really miss you!
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