there is was, larger than life,
smack dab in the middle,
this huge, barely hanging on to life,
dark brown severed stump
with deep roots
that twisted and entwined
organs struggling
slits and cracks
on the not smooth surface
center opening
where I let you attach
siphon draining energy depleting
Yellow filled
reclaimed in Earth
transformed
and released
Friday, April 10, 2009
Friday, April 3, 2009
thinking time...
You may, or may not have noticed but I have been a bit of a slacker of late when it comes to posting... but in my defense it is because School is in full swing, case studies are piling up and I am planning a clinic day at the school. Well, we both know I can handle that pressure easily and in true Patty form, everything is up to date and under control (but it is hard work being this organized). The real reason is that I have been in a contemplative state unable to sort some stuff out... triggers abound and I have taken a bite out of each one of them. Then I fall back on that same old comfortable anger pattern focused on him. Today, however, I feel like I have sorted it as far as I need to too make sense of it, to learn from it and to be able to let go of this pattern. And what I have come up with is this... even with all that I know and all that I do the common denominator in this tragedy is me and while I do believe I think in response to him reaching out, continuing to think about it is me. Soooo to let it go I need to say out loud a variation of what I keep thinking, send it back with Gratitude for the learning and let it go.
So here goes...
"There are 2 huge differences between you and I that make it impossible for us to ever be friends again. The first is that your Engineer life is moving in a different direction than mine, and as I come closer to Spirit and Nature I feel farther away from who we were together. The second, and to my human form, the most important: 2 years, 4 Months and 3 days have gone by and a soul friend would not have let that happen without some kind of recognition of my great loss. I want to believe that you do not know the outcome because the later is so hurtful. I know what I would have done if it was your child who died. I would have sent a card and said, I know you said go but I could not let this tragic event happen without saying my heart is hurting for you and your family. But then again you are not me, you are you and I need to let that go with love."
This exercise has shown me that each time something happens to me that triggers my anger I fall back on the same whipping post he done me wrong topic and that sends negative energy out into the world, and quite possibly to this person who is doing as I asked, staying gone, and that is not what I want. I am not sure why I fall back on anger patterns as I make sense of other anger triggers, but I do it and I wanted to put this out into the Universe to let go and make amends for any negative energy I have unconsciously sent.
Today
I am who I am
because yesterday
you were who you were
and that has made all the difference
So today, I let go of all outdated and outmoded emotional responses that do not work for my highest good or bring me closer to living my Soul's purpose. With Love and Gratitude for the learning I let him go.
So here goes...
"There are 2 huge differences between you and I that make it impossible for us to ever be friends again. The first is that your Engineer life is moving in a different direction than mine, and as I come closer to Spirit and Nature I feel farther away from who we were together. The second, and to my human form, the most important: 2 years, 4 Months and 3 days have gone by and a soul friend would not have let that happen without some kind of recognition of my great loss. I want to believe that you do not know the outcome because the later is so hurtful. I know what I would have done if it was your child who died. I would have sent a card and said, I know you said go but I could not let this tragic event happen without saying my heart is hurting for you and your family. But then again you are not me, you are you and I need to let that go with love."
This exercise has shown me that each time something happens to me that triggers my anger I fall back on the same whipping post he done me wrong topic and that sends negative energy out into the world, and quite possibly to this person who is doing as I asked, staying gone, and that is not what I want. I am not sure why I fall back on anger patterns as I make sense of other anger triggers, but I do it and I wanted to put this out into the Universe to let go and make amends for any negative energy I have unconsciously sent.
Today
I am who I am
because yesterday
you were who you were
and that has made all the difference
So today, I let go of all outdated and outmoded emotional responses that do not work for my highest good or bring me closer to living my Soul's purpose. With Love and Gratitude for the learning I let him go.
Sunday, March 22, 2009
March Break at an end...
What a joyful March Break I have had. It started with my dear friend Asma and a few days with she and Aisha... what fun... and her friends are so awesome... we had a spa night and they let me do Reiki on them.. hummm case studies:-) Then it was off to my friend Doreen's and a grand visit with she and her family. Doreen's 5 year old son Ben is still recovering from his Bone Marrow Transplant.. he too had Aplastic Anemia... he is a wonder and a joy.... I will do whatever it takes to hear his laughter.... and oh man does he know it.... our new song is Peppermint Twist... hehe especially the round and around and around part.. hehe
After Doreen's I went to my niece Angela's for 2 nights and her darling girls are a joy... bundles of energy and love... Annelise, age 6, made me a sign to take home.. "Dear Patty, you are adorkable... Love Annelise"... hehe I have to get it framed.. there is no other choice.. it is that cute!! Back to Doreen's for more days of fun and cooking and tye dying and scrapbooking... Thanks to each of them, and their friends and cats and dogs and kids, I completed all of my Reiki case studies... I arrived home this afternoon exhausted, and happy.. friends make life so much sweeter, another thing I am grateful for!!
Back to school tomorrow!!
After Doreen's I went to my niece Angela's for 2 nights and her darling girls are a joy... bundles of energy and love... Annelise, age 6, made me a sign to take home.. "Dear Patty, you are adorkable... Love Annelise"... hehe I have to get it framed.. there is no other choice.. it is that cute!! Back to Doreen's for more days of fun and cooking and tye dying and scrapbooking... Thanks to each of them, and their friends and cats and dogs and kids, I completed all of my Reiki case studies... I arrived home this afternoon exhausted, and happy.. friends make life so much sweeter, another thing I am grateful for!!
Back to school tomorrow!!
Friday, March 6, 2009
Wow X 2= holy camoly!
What a whirlwind of emotions this past week has held. Having the capacity to contact Mary's donor has been a gift. Sharing our stories has had a tremendous healing effect on my heart. Reliving some of Mary's quirks and uniqueness has been so joyful. Grief is a task master, to say the least. I am filled with a deep level of gratitude for his sacrifice and his role in helping to save Mary's life. But Creator had other plans for my darling girl, my spirit child who soars with the Universe. What a blessing!
On another note I got my 1st Reiki attunement this week and my healing hands are hot and tingly and ready to go to work. Reiki is what I used to help me begin to heal my heart after Mary died and is the energy treatment I will use most in my new practice. It is a glorious thing when Creator's LOVE flows through you into another person. I am both humbled and ecstatic at the prospect of having a tool for peace in my own 2 hands.
Each day is a new adventure and my arms are thrown back in anticipation. My heart is soaring and my mind is clear and with direction. I am grateful!
On another note I got my 1st Reiki attunement this week and my healing hands are hot and tingly and ready to go to work. Reiki is what I used to help me begin to heal my heart after Mary died and is the energy treatment I will use most in my new practice. It is a glorious thing when Creator's LOVE flows through you into another person. I am both humbled and ecstatic at the prospect of having a tool for peace in my own 2 hands.
Each day is a new adventure and my arms are thrown back in anticipation. My heart is soaring and my mind is clear and with direction. I am grateful!
Saturday, February 28, 2009
Donor!!
After 2 years of waiting I have been given the contact info for Mary's bone marrow donor... I really wanted to thank him for his amazing gift... and I got to do that:-)
Tuesday, February 17, 2009
22 years...
Some days I measure time with how long it has been. Not in regret, but with memories of side-splitting laughter, amazing meals and building. Sure there were stressors, hurt feelings and sometimes unfulfilled dreams. Welcome to life. But that is the beauty of memories, I get to choose which ones I hold on to and replay. Today I imagine my Dad in his work shop hammering and sawing and creating. And that nail that went wrong and the cussing that came out of him in a very humorous way. Jesus, Mary and Joseph, he was so happy while creating. I think that was the thing that gave him the most pleasure, besides his grand kids. Taking a piece of wood and fashioning a table or deacon's bench, a shelf, or chair. There is something magical about wood that roots you in the earth and I think Daddy knew that.
Today is the 22nd anniversary of my father's death. I miss him and I am sad that my kids never got to know him. Zech was born the next year, at the end of this month he will be 21.
Today is the 22nd anniversary of my father's death. I miss him and I am sad that my kids never got to know him. Zech was born the next year, at the end of this month he will be 21.
Sunday, February 15, 2009
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