1.I have had my heart broken but I learned valuable lessons from it. Not to be consumed by either love or hate, to find a balance. This was one of the hardest lessons I ever had to learn. And, in return, the hardest words were thanks to the men who taught me those lessons.
2.The hardest lesson I have learned, however, is that every living thing has a journey, and what I want does not have anything to do with their journey. We each come to life with an agenda and when we have learned, or taught, or both, to fulfill that agenda, then we leave this life. It is the hardest lesson when the teacher is your child. In this light, the hardest words I have ever spoken were; I love you so much, I will miss you forever, good bye my darling girl. But when I finally spoke them, I was free. Talk about dichotomy!
3.I am single and am very happy being that way. Not that I do not ever want intimacy again, for this right now my focus is spiritual growth and learning.
4.My 1st main goal in life is to be a good person.
5.My 2nd main goal in life is to be an outstanding Mom and to have my children love me in return.
6.My 3rd main goal is to continuously grow and learn about my connection to all living things, about Universal Energy and how to be a conduit for it’s LOVE!
7.I have many people who love me, and I them, and I am grateful daily for that.
8.I love to hug, can’t get enough of it. Actually I will hug almost anything!
9.I love strong, black coffee, cool clear water and beer.
10.I am in school studying Holistic Healing and I will, upon my return home, open my own practice and begin to use what I have learned to support people in their own healing. Aromatherapy massage, with a little chakra balancing, anyone!
11.I am currently living in Toronto with my friend Julie and I am very grateful that she has allowed me to intrude on her life for a year to go to school.
12.I love animals of all shapes and sizes, and believe that they hold valuable lessons for each of us.
13.I love rocks; quartz, amethyst, rose quartz, mangano calcite, angelite, snowflake obsidian, hematite, malachite…. and so on, and so on, and so on…. I have over 125 different kinds of rocks, sorted labeled and loved. I believe crystals, if used properly can be an amazing conduit of universal healing energy. Rock’s come from my other love, Mother Earth, whose generous bounty never fails to take my breath away.
14.I love food. This is not a like situation, it is love. I also love to cook, and am pretty good at it. My favorite meal would be the one I am currently eating, especially if it is cooked with love. OK the potato, it rocks!!!
15.I sometimes struggle with low self-esteem, but hide it well.
16.I am a public speaker who near faints from nerves before I speak.
17.On the surface I am an outgoing social person, but the real me is introspective and a bit of a loner. I really enjoy being alone with my thoughts. I am a geek.
18.I love to write out my thoughts and currently have 2 blogs on the go. One is about my healing journey, hence the name, and the other, is about parental grief and loss. If interested you can find them at ….
http://pattyshealingjourney.blogspot.com/
http://www.themaryfund.com/
19.I come from an amazingly supportive, kind and generous family whose love means everything to me.
20.I am on the right path to being the person I want to become. The hugest challenge to overcome on that road has been me. Sometimes I can not get out of my own way.
21.I am not real complicated. I am straight forward and accept people where they are at and expect the same from them.
22.I believe that as an individual I am powerless, but when I open myself to universal energy, and act from a place of right action in the now, I am incontrovertible. And so are you.
23.I love New Brunswick, the province and the people. Actually I love Canada, the people and the country. My real issue is Government. I am sure that does not come as any surprise.
24.I really do not know what people see in me, and this is not a plea for positive strokes. I usually feel unworthy or the affection of others and am surprised that so much love comes my way. Maybe it is that I want to be a mirror for love, or a conduit for universal love. If I have succeeded then I now know why.
25.This exercise has been harder than I though, but then again, I always go to the deep stuff. I struggle with the surface, because that is where all my self-loathing lies.
26.If I do not post this right now I will edit it forever, I struggle to let go of my words, sometime sit feels like the birthing process.
Saturday, January 24, 2009
Thursday, January 22, 2009
The Mary Fund is back....
I am very excited to say that the Mary Fund site is back up and running... I will use that site for discussions of grief and this blog for sharing learning, and sometimes they will over lap... http://www.themaryfund.com/
My news is today is that I filled out the papers to contact Mary's Bone Marrow donor... I know that if I am meant to know him and his family then I will... what I really want to do is just tell him how important his sacrifice was to Mary.. she talked about him like she already knew him, and in a way she did, as his blood gushed through her body saving her life... her death was because of what the treatments did to her little body, chemo and radiation... ugh!! The other knowing part is that on another, more spiritual level, we all know one another.. Mary knew that and as I learn more about it, I realize how much more there is to know about who we are and the road we are traveling... and how much more aware I become of our impact on each other and every person we come in contact with.. for better for worse.. we learn... I am grateful for this:-)
My other news is that last night Emma went back home and I miss her terribly... we had an awesome visit and a load of fun... and I am glad she was able to come:-)
My news is today is that I filled out the papers to contact Mary's Bone Marrow donor... I know that if I am meant to know him and his family then I will... what I really want to do is just tell him how important his sacrifice was to Mary.. she talked about him like she already knew him, and in a way she did, as his blood gushed through her body saving her life... her death was because of what the treatments did to her little body, chemo and radiation... ugh!! The other knowing part is that on another, more spiritual level, we all know one another.. Mary knew that and as I learn more about it, I realize how much more there is to know about who we are and the road we are traveling... and how much more aware I become of our impact on each other and every person we come in contact with.. for better for worse.. we learn... I am grateful for this:-)
My other news is that last night Emma went back home and I miss her terribly... we had an awesome visit and a load of fun... and I am glad she was able to come:-)
Sunday, January 11, 2009
Emma is here....
After a bit of a weather delay, Emma arrived Friday morning and the action has been non-stop.. I took her to her first Drag Show and we laughed and danced and had a blast.... yesterday we went out to my friend Doreen's for her darling Ben's 5th Birthday.. an amazing feat considering he has weathered 2 bone marrow transplants and countless other health issues... he is a spirited and joyful little lad who daily amazes me with his wit and capacity to love. The next 2 weeks will be filled with adventures and amazing food!
Thursday, January 8, 2009
Gratitude for learning....
A situation presented itself at my school and I knew what to do and how to handle it because of what I have learned from each of you. All I could think about on the bus ride home was how grateful I am for having had you be a part of my life. So I am writing to you to thank you for all that you have taught me about compassion and love and accepting people where they are. Even those times when I fucked it up, you showed me acceptance and taught me more than you can know. I am very grateful for having the opportunity to know you and to have played a small role in your life journey. Trusting me took courage, and in that trust, you taught me what it really means to be courageous and to look fear in the face. It also taught me how important it is to keep that trust sacred and how to be compassionate and empathetic without judgment. Mostly, you allowed me to grow and learn about me through you, and for that I will forever be grateful.
Love and hugs
Patty
Love and hugs
Patty
Monday, December 29, 2008
Organizational Theme
I think that my theme for the coming year is organization... everything is pointing me in that direction... what I think, what I feel and what I am given. My favorite Christmas presents this year are plastic containers to organize my rocks and a beautiful bag to house my aromatherapy gear, complete with plastic bags that Velcro to the sides of it to hold oils and a beautiful purple and green box to house all of my essential oils, safely, uncontaminated and easily transportable... and a small penguin change purse to hold my bus tokens.. I am going places and getting organized! (I also got some other sweet stuff like a food dehydrator, toys and new jammies for resting in after I am organized.. hehe)
All this thinking about organization made me think of the most organized woman I have ever met, my, "Everything has a place, everything in it's place", Mother. I remember my Mother saying exactly, "Alright, lets get organized!" before embarking upon any chore. Big or small, it did not matter, she said it. For every job she had a method and system that worked for her. She chipped away at each task methodically and with purpose. I cherish the pieces she shared with me because each gem is totally transferable to my life.. like "clean the bathroom first, it is the smallest room in the house and you fee like you have accomplished something... one room complete". And, "If the kitchen is clean, then the whole house feels clean". She also taught me that some things are necessary evils and the task you like the least you should do first. For each person that evil is different.. mine is dishes.. but when I look at them as a necessary evil the task is less daunting and I am happy to have clean dishes because I love to cook and eat. This logic, applied to my life became, "Change the way you see something and it becomes less stressful and difficult".
My Mother's system was her own, and from the outside it seemed unfathomable. But then, that is the beauty of Mother's. We do not always understand what they mean on the surface, especially when they teach by modeling or through metaphor. Then one day a task presents itself that we do not know how to handle and there is our Mother alive and well in our subconscious saying, "lets get organized" and it all falls into place. I think she was teaching me about controlling what I can and not worrying about what I can not. And that the only thing I can truly change is how I approach a situation. The only real control I have is over me in this moment.
From the outside her system did not always make sense to me, but it didn't have to, it only had to work for her. After all, it was her system. Just like, what became my system did not always make sense to her. She did, however, have the good sense to continue to teach by doing and not by outwardly judging. Even though it sometimes felt like it, I have realized that that part was how I felt about my system not being good enough, not about her or her imposing her will on me.
And for each of us, part of the organizing is finding what works and what doesn't. And that is life, sorting and discarding that which doesn't work anymore and finding new solutions. In this right now, its a black and white case and plastic and wood containers to transport my new career from place to place.
And here I am, 2 years after she died, Mama continues to teach me about how to organize my life. That, my friends, is the mark of a great Mother. My ardent wish is that I can be that kind of Mother to my children. I best get organized!
Mary Robina Robinson Donovan (January 31,1924 to January 4,2007)
All this thinking about organization made me think of the most organized woman I have ever met, my, "Everything has a place, everything in it's place", Mother. I remember my Mother saying exactly, "Alright, lets get organized!" before embarking upon any chore. Big or small, it did not matter, she said it. For every job she had a method and system that worked for her. She chipped away at each task methodically and with purpose. I cherish the pieces she shared with me because each gem is totally transferable to my life.. like "clean the bathroom first, it is the smallest room in the house and you fee like you have accomplished something... one room complete". And, "If the kitchen is clean, then the whole house feels clean". She also taught me that some things are necessary evils and the task you like the least you should do first. For each person that evil is different.. mine is dishes.. but when I look at them as a necessary evil the task is less daunting and I am happy to have clean dishes because I love to cook and eat. This logic, applied to my life became, "Change the way you see something and it becomes less stressful and difficult".
My Mother's system was her own, and from the outside it seemed unfathomable. But then, that is the beauty of Mother's. We do not always understand what they mean on the surface, especially when they teach by modeling or through metaphor. Then one day a task presents itself that we do not know how to handle and there is our Mother alive and well in our subconscious saying, "lets get organized" and it all falls into place. I think she was teaching me about controlling what I can and not worrying about what I can not. And that the only thing I can truly change is how I approach a situation. The only real control I have is over me in this moment.
From the outside her system did not always make sense to me, but it didn't have to, it only had to work for her. After all, it was her system. Just like, what became my system did not always make sense to her. She did, however, have the good sense to continue to teach by doing and not by outwardly judging. Even though it sometimes felt like it, I have realized that that part was how I felt about my system not being good enough, not about her or her imposing her will on me.
And for each of us, part of the organizing is finding what works and what doesn't. And that is life, sorting and discarding that which doesn't work anymore and finding new solutions. In this right now, its a black and white case and plastic and wood containers to transport my new career from place to place.
And here I am, 2 years after she died, Mama continues to teach me about how to organize my life. That, my friends, is the mark of a great Mother. My ardent wish is that I can be that kind of Mother to my children. I best get organized!
Mary Robina Robinson Donovan (January 31,1924 to January 4,2007)
Wednesday, December 24, 2008
Joyous Festivus!!
What a year... after 48 of them, most looking similar, I am convinced that I am not to lead an ordinary life... and I have come to see how joyful that can be.... so many wonderful things have happened this year to be grateful for.. my moving to Toronto to attend school and the support I have received around that from family and friends, and Government.. Thank you.... Zechariah finding his profession in plumbing and a great company in Mark Campbell's plumbing... Thank you.... Emma and her job at the Hammond River Market, which she loves... Thank you... Hanna's successful last year at KVHS... Thank you... and Dale's moving into my house to look after things while I am away at school... Thank you... Of course I miss Mary as much as ever and today I began to think about her joyful face and her playing Santa on Christmas mornings... She loved to make people smile.... my Mom and Dad, who I love dearly... remembering all the funny things about them and the holidays and oh how it warms my heart.. looking back at my childhood and the quirks and quarks of my brothers and sisters, all of whom I have the deepest appreciation for and admiration of.. even with all the trials and tribulations, I feel blessed to have each of you in my life.. there is not a day that goes by that I do not give thanks for who I am and who I have become... thank you for your part in supporting the me I am today.
I wish each of you a year filled with Peace and Harmony and Joy!
Love and Hugs
Patty
I wish each of you a year filled with Peace and Harmony and Joy!
Love and Hugs
Patty
Saturday, December 13, 2008
Saturday
It may look like a roller coaster from the outside but the inside of me is peaceful and calm and happy. I woke this morning thinking about choices and that it is our choice what we feel when we feel it... it was way more poetic in my dream, of course, but you get the gist. What I have learned to do with thoughts that upset me or are negative.... I hear them out, tell them they do not serve my higher good and send them off... some stay gone and some are a little more persistent, however, most leave and over time it beings to get lighter int here... roomy almost... most days I walk around joyfully experiencing with out thought or judgment.. happily floating in the moment... it really is wonderful... then there are times where I choose to sort stuff out and replay memories or plan for the future, but not while I am otherwise engaged. It works for me and I can not believe how joyful I feel most days.
Then I got out of bed and was singing... Bob Marley "Is this Love that I am feeling"... it is not for any particular thing or person but for everything and this glorious connection to the Universe that I feel surrounds me with love and support and light. I am so very grateful for this internal journey I am on. I feel settled, peaceful and loved... awesome!
The Christmas season has begun. I went to a great party Thursday night with a classmate and then to a drag bar... what a hoot... I love to dance... and today we are having a cookie bake and exchange... Oh what fun it is to ride! I am sure there are a billion other things to say, but for now I have to go and get my self ready for shortbread cookies:-)
Then I got out of bed and was singing... Bob Marley "Is this Love that I am feeling"... it is not for any particular thing or person but for everything and this glorious connection to the Universe that I feel surrounds me with love and support and light. I am so very grateful for this internal journey I am on. I feel settled, peaceful and loved... awesome!
The Christmas season has begun. I went to a great party Thursday night with a classmate and then to a drag bar... what a hoot... I love to dance... and today we are having a cookie bake and exchange... Oh what fun it is to ride! I am sure there are a billion other things to say, but for now I have to go and get my self ready for shortbread cookies:-)
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