A Healing Journey

5 years......

2011-11-30T03:40:00.001-08:00

Donovan, Mary (May 28, 1991 – November 30, 2006)

When we think of you now, our hearts tell two stories. One is of missing and longing, the other is admiration for the courage you showed and lessons you shared, both tell a story of you.
5 years without you. 5 years of missing the sound of your sweet voice and the loving way you made those around you feel special. 5 years tells our grief story. Great Mystery is revealing yours. You really are loved and missed every minute of everyday.

Love Mom, Zech, Emma and Hanna

fear another other dirty words....

2011-11-07T10:14:00.000-08:00

Here I am again... not sure of what to say.. what do do... or how to do it... Zoe's death day is the 10th... it has been 5 years... and that is the marker for my great fear... the loss of a child... it is like darling sweet Zoe softens that blow... and I am grateful to her for that... very grateful!

today....

2011-01-24T08:26:00.001-08:00

Just before Christmas my God Mother died... Germaine... I loved her so much... I had spent 20 or so hours making a scrapbook for her the week end before... the day I found out was the day I was going to give it to her... her family said that it was a grand tribute that I will always have to remember her by... they said she would have loved it... I look at it often and they are right... I do love it!

But Germaine's death left a sour taste in my mouth for the whole festive that I tired to shake off with everything from wine to laughter... but it was all fake, looking from the outside you would not have known... and the Oscar goes too... really!

And today I am getting ready to go to another wake.. this time for a neighbour, Phil Percy, who was my son's best friend's dad... only 52, taken by cancer... and it reminds me of how fleeting life is... how soon it can end.... and how important it is to live each day to the fullest, leave no stone unturned and say what you mean and mean what you say... Say what you mean and mean what you say.

I taught Level 1 Reiki this past week end and it was amazing... I am thankful each and every day for the ability to share my learning with others... I am grateful... I am gratitude... and darling Leanne gifted me the most amazing painting of chakra's that I have ever seen... it is filled with movement and message.... I love it.

And I know that Germaine and Phil are in that place where someday I will be ready to return.. that they are singing with the angels and that makes this and everyday OK.

Mary Donovan, May 28th 1991- November 30th, 2006

2010-11-29T08:24:00.000-08:00

I have been reluctant to start this year, not wanting to think of the awfulness, not wanting to dredge up the pain and not wanting to experience it all over again. And then I realized it is with me everyday, it hasn’t gone anywhere, it is there, deep within and I hide it, hide from it. Only wanting you back, and wanting to see you grow and mature. Missing that. Missing the sound of your voice and the smell of your hair, when I kiss the top of your head. Missing your hugs and your laughter. Wondering what you would look like after all this time. How your voice would sound and what words you would choose to use. Would your laugh still be the same as we remember it? Missing that… missing…. 4 years of missing and while we breathe in and out and life goes on, the awfulness is still there. I guess it always will be. We do not show it the same way, but it has not changed, it has not left us. But in our hearts, neither have you Marmy Cake. Forever and always Mom, Zech, Emma and Hanna

Death is Nothing at all!

2010-11-07T04:06:00.001-08:00

Death is nothing at all

I have only slipped away into the next room

I am I and you are you

Whatever we were to each other

That we are still

Call me by my old familiar name

Speak to me in the easy way you always used

Put no difference into your tone

Wear no forced air of solemnity or sorrow

Laugh as we always laughed

At the little jokes we always enjoyed together

Play, smile, think of me, pray for me

Let my name be ever the household word that it always was

Let it be spoken without effort

Without the ghost of a shadow in it

Life means all that it ever meant

It is the same as it ever was

There is absolute unbroken continuity

What is death but a negligible accident?

Why should I be out of mind

Because I am out of sight?

I am waiting for you for an interval

Somewhere very near

Just around the corner

All is well.

Nothing is past; nothing is lost

One brief moment and all will be as it was before

How we shall laugh at the trouble of parting when we meet again!

Canon Henry Scott-Holland, 1847-1918, Canon of St Paul's Cathedral

wow... June already....

2010-06-27T07:17:00.001-07:00

It is like I have all of these thoughts and wondering's, but not enough time to think them through, be articulate or even focus enough to make sense of them.... I think that is the last few months theme... the event was miraculous and I was able to offer a 2500.00 scholarship... with enough to spare to start a proper fund.... Zech was in a ATV accident and is now laid off because he can not work... Emma is excitedly preparing for her cross country journey and Hanna has found a great apt in the city and is doing well... and me, well I am overwhelmed, unfocused and a bit lost.. and not sure how to find it again!

Hanna turns 19 and other things....

2010-05-25T17:32:00.000-07:00

On May 28th Hanna turns 19... and so would Mary... Hanna still looks the same as she did at 15... Mary would too... I wonder how I will feel when she doesn't... in my memory will Mary stay the same or age... Hanna will be 19... 19 years... how it flies by!

On Saturday, May 29th, 2010 the Mary Fund will be hosting “An Evening of Art and Music” at the Kent Theater, 24 Coburg Street, Saint John, from 8:00pm to 1:30am, to raise money for a Youth scholarship. This scholarship is to support a local high school youth financially so that they can attend a program of higher learning in either art or music. This year the scholarship will be awarded to a student KVHS, as that was Mary’s alma-mater. The fund was established to honor my 15 year old daughter, Mary Donovan, who, on November 30th 2006, at the age of 15 died following a bone marrow transplant. Mary was a work of art, she drew and played bass guitar, and she wrote plays and poetry and dreamed of being a website designer where all of her talents could be employed.

This event is sure to draw a crowd. With music from Divine Heist, The Matt Dylan Band, Clinton Charlton, Seven Crows and Jam Spots and Hospitals. There will a live art auction and multiple raffles for items to be draw through out the evening.

Join us!

Thoughts on turning 50.....

2010-05-15T05:32:00.000-07:00

On Tuesday, at 11:55pm, give or take a few minutes, i will have spent 50 years on this planet…. and a lot has changed… in my lifetime technology has revolutionized our way of living, some things for the better and some not… many people i have loved have left me, some for greater places and some not…. i have led, and been a part of, many charges, some have made transformation possible and some have not…. the constant in this saga is me and to me, i have changed more than all of these things.... through each up hill climb, each fall and each pain i have grown and changed.... through each leisurely walk, each climb and each joy i have grown and changed…. and at 50 i have realized that in my life the only other constant is change… my job is to learn to flow with it, like the wind, not judging just accepting what is, because i am certain that, even if i do not like what is, things will change.

Thank you to each experience, both good and bad, for facilitating my change and growth… I may not have liked you at the time, but in hindsight am grateful for the learning!

Thank you to my Parents for giving me biological life and to all those who have crossed my path to teach me, torment me and love me… I am grateful for the learning!

Thank you.

Finding Peace admist the chaos....

2010-05-01T04:24:00.000-07:00

Every thing is perfect as it is… even that which we dislike or even hate, in its decrepitude, it is perfection… every thing is what it is…. It is our opinion, judgment or an emotion, which makes it either good or evil… some things exist to teach us and to challenge our perceptions… some things exist to teach those going through it, but can be both at the same time.. Every thing is a learning moment… the ultimate choice is to rise above that which we perceive, without judgment and be free from the confines of our minds! This could be an end to suffering… it could be!

May 29th.. it is what it is.. perfection!

Fundraiser....

2010-04-02T05:46:00.000-07:00

On May 29th, 2010 I will be hosting a music and Art fundraiser at the Kent Theater in memory of my daughter Mary and the proceeds will go to creating a music/art scholarship for a local high school student to attend college/university to study either genre. If you or anyone you know might want to participate and play music, donate art to the auction or would like to help out in any way please let me know... themaryfund@hotmail.com

Jesus was a Reiki Master/Teacher and other expostulations on the death of a child….a requiem!

2010-03-22T07:08:00.001-07:00

Expostulation - the act of expressing earnest opposition or protest (and because this is me, a deep desire to understand).

At Alicia’s funeral service the Priest said that Jesus raised a girl from the dead and he did it for real, but the message we are to take from the bible passage is symbolic. That we do not die, that we are born again in the spirit. How confusing! On one hand we are to take the meaning literally then symbolically. Oh I believe in healing, and I believe in Jesus and Buddha and all the other Spiritual Teachers who come to teach us the ways of Spirit so that we can, in our limited human way, understand the process and make peace with it. I am not sure that Jesus ever raised anyone from physical death. Why would he want to when what our soul desperately seeks is a return to spirit. Why would someone who loves me so much deprive us of the passage that our heart longs for or prolong our spiritual suffering? I believe that Jesus did indeed heal a sick girl that was near deaths door, by laying his hands on her and this extension allowed her, with his help, to make peace with the transition so that she could do so without fear. I think Jesus is a miracle. And not for one minute do I believe that every story like this is the same. I have no evidence, one way or the other; however, it makes sense as he was teaching us to understand the conversion of the soul not the transformation of the physical body. Welcome to Mystery!

I refer to myself as a Reiki Master/Teacher because I have been taught and attuned to be just that, and am guided in my Teaching. But I always say this with a disclaimer… I am in training, as are we all, to understand the glories of Mystery. The one thing I do know for sure is that my spirit can rise up to greet Mystery and be in communion with it through prayer, meditation and intention. This happened very profoundly when Mary died and what I experienced as her spirit crossed over was in fact a marvel. In that moment I knew exactly what “sing choir’s of Angels” and “hosanna in the highest” meant. In that profound horribly beautiful moment the vastness that her soul connected to and became one with was beyond human comprehension, and yet I felt it with every fiber of my being and my spirit raised up and wanted to go with her into the vastness. But I was not chosen to go this time.

As we were leaving Alicia’s service a women asked me if I was one of her Teacher’s and, overcome with grief I could only nod my head no, but what I really wanted to say was, “I was not her teacher, she was mine”. Like each of the children I have had the honour to sit before and learn from, she inspired me to grow and learn and stay connected to Mystery; knowing that my Spirit can continue to rise up and is connected to all that is. My Spirit, and yours, is connected and the choice is ours to feel that connection. I have experienced death and loss a lot over the past 4 years and each time it occurs I try to find meaning or understanding in what has happened and that is my human way of making peace with what is. And this is my one peace, that like others before me, I too shall leave this world, when my time has come, and my spirit will expand exponentially to become one with Mystery. And this makes it ok for me to breathe in and out and continue to live a physical life with a focus on understanding Mystery. I am in training to be worthy of that transition, so I hope that no one raises me up from the dead… honestly, I don’t think I could handle it twice!

On the way home from Alicia’s funeral service I was listening to CBC Radio 2 and Julie Nesrallah, host of Tempo, was talking about how one store is pumping in Mozart’s music into the store to deter youth from theft because they do not like this music and they won’t come into the store. Her expostulation was about how misunderstood genius is and that the subtle nuances of his music are lost to those who are open to hearing. And the fact that Mozart stands as the archetype of the Classical style, she was shocked that anyone would ever be deterred in any manner from listening to him. Mozart too died young on 5 December 1791 at the age of 35. Imagine what could have happened had he lived to 65!

My Mary loved Mozart. She loved how her body could feel his music and how intense her emotions became and how they moved and changed in tune with his music. It was Vivaldi that was playing when her physical body stopped, Vivaldi is my favorite, but Mozart was not far behind on the CD. And just like that day, Mary came again to teach me and remind me to feel and to be in tune with the sounds around me. And to remind me that Death is not the last chapter of any story, it is but the beginning. And isn’t that what Jesus wants to tell me too?

loss...

2010-03-09T16:30:00.000-08:00

Alicia Marie Little.... December 10, 1989 to March 9, 2010

Another angel gets her wings and more hearts break!

LITTLE, Alicia Marie- of Saint John, after a courageous two year battle with cancer Alicia passed away at Saint John Regional Hospital, March 9, 2010. God called home one of the most incredible and extraordinary soul that in 20 short years effected many lives. Born December 10, 1989, she was the daughter of Timothy and Norma (Titus) Little. Alicia graduated for St. Malachys High School with honors, both in French and English and completed the summer program at the Universite St. Anne. She was involved in the Teen Centre. Alicia enjoyed making jewelry, drawing and painting, listening to music and playing guitar. She worked as a customer service representative. Alicia was very close to her family and loved spending time with her sister and nephew Cody.

Surviving is her sister, Samantha Little; nephew, Cody Little; aunts and uncles, Christine (Wade) Evans; Paula (Orland Clark); Michael (Christine) Titus; Jason (Angela) Titus; Jerry (Annette) Chiasson; Patricia (Doug) Marston, Alberta; Linda (Peter) McCarthy; Terry (Marg) Little, B.C.; Wendy (John) Porier; Dawn (David) Colpitts, Alberta; Leanne (Billy) Straight; cousins, Caitlin, Emma-Lee, Calvin, Jaymie, Zachary. Justine, Jennifer, Shandy, Francine Kelli, Patrick, Twyla, Peter, Jennifer, Michael, Lindsay, Adam, Tom, Heather , Shane, Leah, and Krista; maternal grandmother, Emma Titus; paternal grandmother, Mable Little; maternal grandfather, Donald Titus. She was predeceased by her paternal grandfather, James P. Little; Aunt, Jennifer Titus; cousin, Christopher Porier.

Resting at Brenan’s Funeral Home, 111 Paradise Row, Saint John, NB, (634-7424) with visiting on Wednesday, March 10, from 7-9, and Thursday, March 11, from 2-4, 7-9. Funeral service for Alicia will take place on Friday, March 12, 2010 from St. Peter’s Church at 11 a.m. Remembrances in memory of Alicia may be made to John T. Fund, Joshua Group, Animal Rescue League or a charity of one’s choice.

International Women's Day!

2010-03-08T04:32:00.000-08:00

Sometimes, just sometimes, no matter how patient I am, or how hard I try, things do not always work out as I hoped or wanted or thought I needed them too. Things do, however, work out as they should and in the end I realize that it was nothing but emptiness wanting to be filled (an illusion) and a longing to fit and be welcome in something that is not meant for me.... sometimes there is just not enough patience and no matter how hard I try to change me to let things be as they are, I get hurt in the process.... I am not sure you can have intimate relationships without expectations of some sort and it it exactly those expectations that lead to being disappointed when what you expected does not happen... even worse, when the expectations turn negative and we get exactly as we expect... that is the time to call it a day.... to name the end.... to own the dysfunction... to let go of both negative and positive expectations and free yourself from the relationships that are not working... because if only one person is working on a relationship then it is doomed.... why wait for anger.. why wait until you are crushed... why wait when you know.... why wait!

So as I sit an ponder how we, as women, are socialized to take care of others I see that I have, on occasion, distorted that and that makes me unhappy.... so my pledge to me on this day of celebration of all things feminine is to release myself of that need in my relationships and in the words of the great author Toni Morrison.... "Freeing yourself was one thing; claiming ownership of that freed self was another." And, on this auspicious day, my wish for each women is that she too finds her freedom from all the shit that weighs her down so that she can soar!

Written by a Woman ready to claim her freedom!

Mary E. Grover 1936-2010

2010-02-24T15:19:00.000-08:00

The last of my Mary's gets her angel wings.....

It is with great sadness that we announce the death of Mary Elizabeth Grover, widow of Morton on February 22, 2010 following a brief battle with leukemia. Born December 1, 1936, Mary was the daughter of the late Colin and Regis (McDermott) Ewing.

Mary was born in Hampton, NB, and during her young life, she resided in North Sydney, NS, later returning to Hampton. While attending Hampton Consolidated School, she was the recipient of the Governor General’s Award for Public Speaking. As a young adult, Mary worked as an operator with the New Brunswick Telephone Company, and later at the Provincial Assessor’s Office in Hampton. Mary, Morton, and daughter Susan lived in Regina, SK, where Morton was stationed with the RCMP. Upon retirement, they returned to the Maritimes spending many years in Kentville, and Mount Uniacke, NS. where they enjoyed gatherings with members of both families who lived nearby. In their final years, they moved to Sunny Corner Farm in Mount Hebron, NB and Mary became an integral part of her daughter’s horse farm--raising and caring for horses. Mary loved the horses and all of the people who came to ride and participate in shows held at the farm, especially the children. Mary’s life was guided by selfless acts of kindness and caring. She devoted her time and talents to the others, mentoring her many nieces and nephews, judging 4H speaking competitions, lending a skilled hand at horse shows, while all the time being the very best mother anyone could ever have.

She is survived by one daughter Susan Hill (Jamie) of Mount Hebron, NB; one sister Margaret Ryan of Hampton, NB; three brothers Ronald (Eileen) of Windsor, ON, Kenneth (Susan) of Kemptville, ON and David (Susan) of Abbotsford, BC. She was predeceased by six brothers John, Arthur, Leonard, George, Gerald, Fred, and one sister Florence Price.

Arrangements are entrusted to Reid’s Funeral Home, 1063 Main Street, Hampton, NB, (506) 832-5541. Respecting Mary’s request, cremation has taken place and a Mass of Christian Burial will be held at Saint Alphonsus Church, Hampton, NB at 10:00 a.m. on Saturday, February 27 with internment at Saint Alphonsus Cemetery to follow at a later date.

For those who wish, Memorial donations to any charity of the donor’s choice would be appreciated by the family.

choices....

2010-02-01T04:27:00.000-08:00

a matter of choice

I am the weaver
and I must arrange the color and texture
to create a tapestry overflowing with splendor
metaphors that explain me
the pattern is before me but also the power to choose freely
juxtaposed images of truth and lies, life and death, joy and sorrow
a realization of the workings of the design
the loom predetermined by birth and assignment
but the search will unfold boundless shades to pick from
and if I ponder the seamstresses purposeful plan
I can choose to stop the wood as it slides through the fibers
because the color will not bring me comfort
or I can embrace the fine silken strands that surround
and blend the shades to beget glory within
the accouterments already in place
how we use them is a matter of choice

Sunshine....

2010-01-23T06:22:00.000-08:00

The sun is shinning brightly and reflected off the trees behind my house, the world is cold and crisp and clean.... and the day is unfolding with magic.... starting with my wonderful Patty-chouli soap made by my good friends at Sudsmuffin... aromatherapy is really a brilliant way to start a day!

The ice covered bush

bent by an oppressive weight tries desperately to hold on,
for the sun to resurrect the world again ,
and give us warmth, and comfort, and solace.
Finally it comes, and as it shone through the densely laden branches
millions of tiny rainbows flowed outward and inward.
Magnificence, symbolic of the first covenant, juxtaposed
by exposed succulent fibers that tink tinkle in the wind.
An exquisite melodic sound fills the air
and yet, distant eerie cries, crack cracking ,
like a silent scream, felt with your heart, is all that is heard.
And as each limb gives itself up, no longer able to wait for salvation,
numbness replaces our joy.
How can something so beautiful be so devastating
and yet, give us hope?

Another loss somewhere....

2010-01-15T06:23:00.000-08:00

I feel everything that happens in the world, almost like an oppressive weight sometimes... then I withdraw... and do not listen any more.... then I am OK again... when I become aware of the weight I am OK again... when something like Haiti happens in the world I feel like dark energy is sitting on my chest, blocking my heart chakra.. So, I Reiki me and I send distant Reiki to it... and that helps... I do not try to make sense of any thing anymore... because this kind of thing does not make sense... Dawson... WTF.. I mean, how do you make sense of that.. my Cody... years battling then dies... why, why, why... it makes no sense... my darling kind, beautiful joyful Mary.. why... why take her from me, and the earth... why... so I do not try to unravel it any more... that makes me crazy... Now I am of the mind.. everything is what it is... and maybe, just maybe, it is not mine to understand... I am not to know why.... I am sure some one is learning something somewhere.... so I just let it be and I worry about what I can control ME... I know that might sound rather simple and escapist but I am but one person, and the weight of the world is not mine to carry, it is God/Goddess/Universe's.... not mine! And in that I am free to love and send light and healing... for David's mom my heart aches, for Dawson's parents my heart bleeds... for each child who suffers and dies my heart breaks... but realizing that I can do nothing, and should do nothing except send light and listen and console frees me to be good at those things... do do those things that when I needed it, really mattered... does that make sense?

3 whole years....

2009-11-30T02:39:00.001-08:00

I thought it would get easier after 3 years but it hasn’t. The sound of your sweet voice lingers in the chambers of my heart, and your impish smile is imprinted on my mind. Nothing prepares you for this kind of loss. Nothing. It’s irrational, I know, but I want the whole world to feel your loss with the same intensity as I. And as I grieve, the world spins madly on.
Forever loved and missed by Mom, Zech, Emma and Hanna

November... floating along in pink sunshine

2009-11-10T15:00:00.000-08:00

3 years ago Zoe died and for the first time my heart knew fear.. if it could happen to her, it could happen... real, honest to god, chocking when you breathe, fear... I was never on the verge of loosing.. not like that.... then 3 weeks later, my world came to a complete stand still.. and my heart knew pain.. deep, searing unfathomable pain... and 3 years has flown by and it still seems like yesterday... I miss you more today than yesterday... I miss you.. I really, really miss you!

slow and easy....

2009-10-10T03:45:00.001-07:00

My life moves at incredible speed.... do I do it, or is that just this lifetimes theme?

So much happens in a short period of time and yet I feel slow and calm inside... this is the gift that purpose has given me, and I am grateful. As I move into Fall I am reminded of gratitude, kindness and abundance.... and I revel in the joy that comes from living with the knowledge that the Universe will given me all that I need to learn and grow in Spirit... that all that I need, I already have.

I am working almost everyday at the Centre, trying to get caught up on bills after having been away for a year. And at the same time I am building my client base, doing case studies and spending time with my children. I am creating home healing parties, teaching Reiki, and working on a series of Chakra workshops.

Reiki- during my Master attunement I was told that I was being called to teach.. to bring Reiki to those who came to me to learn... little did I know that once I accepted this directive, people would come. The group that presented this month are Women living in Poverty, their payment is community service... pay it forward!

This past month I gave free 15 minute intuitive Reiki session at an Envirofair and I was both nervous and exhilarated. Like all things that comes to me by intuition, I trusted its rightness and it was a success. I had not used Reiki in this way before and was surprised at how effective it was for focused treatment of illness. I am now using it along with Medical Intuition, and it application has been profound.

I attended an amazing workshop on angel communication and am overjoyed that I can channel Angels during treatments. Angels and Spirit Guides, Totems and messages... it truly is amazing to connect with Spirit. My joy comes from being allowed to witness healing and growth, and each time I do I heal and grow through the experience.

I have started doing home parties as well.. like Tupperware but for energy healing... each party can be customized to suit the host and guests... let me know if you would like to arrange one!

Speaking of Tupperware... I have developed this fascination with old school pieces... it happened at the office... a bunch of things were donated and I saw this little pink cup with the white lid (you know the one, probably from the 60's) and I had to have it... I asked my boss, because we never take the donations for ourselves... and she said, "Sure, that is the garbage pile Patty".... hehe... the little cup was stained and worn from years of use.. I brought it home and gently cleaned it with mild soap and a toothbrush and it gleamed... I have made room for it with my good china... there is something fabulous about a kitchen piece with a story of it's own... I am not sure why I am collecting it, but a new collection has begun!

As the turkey thaws I give thanks... for all that I have AND all that I have lost.. through each I grow in Spirit and this brings me closer to PEACE.

A newer beginning?

2009-08-15T04:06:00.000-07:00

This past month, getting settled in at home and working many jobs, has been hectic and time consuming. I am starting a new, full-time job, on Monday which should give me more financial security and a schedule in which to begin to plan my life around. I am excitedly working on the clinic, have ordered promotional material, am almost decorated, and have a website in the making (www.solutions4healing.ca) thanks to Julie's brother Gerard:-, and I have started seeing clients... which I am abundantly grateful for. This past week I was attuned to another lineage of Reiki, at all 3 levels, and my channel feels even more open, thank you Michael my darling friend!

And today the sun is shinning and laundry beckons, it is my only day off so I am going to get out there and enjoy it!

change of plans.. I just got called into the shelter for work... I guess today is going to be a spa day for Homeless women!

thoughts as I teach Reiki....

2009-08-08T03:43:00.001-07:00

desired ending

the Soul, ravaged by years of miss-use (missed/used),
becomes resplendent in it’s quest for the light.

August already....

2009-08-02T03:48:00.000-07:00

Finally the sun.. how amazing she is to lift our spirits and bring us out of the doldrums! Flowers are blooming and the lawn is a deep verdant green... I want to just sit and stare at it.. but then I would see all the trimming and edging and weed pulling that needs to be done.. hehe a gardeners work is never done:-)

The clinic is coming along very very nicely.. pale moss green in color and yesterday I found the perfect deep purple material to make curtains from.. I am happy!

I am slowly getting settled in at home and loving being back with my family and friends... what an amazing journey my life is, and I am very grateful for that!

I have a new website thanks to Gerard and Michael, Julie's brothers and it is sure to be cool.... www.solutions4healing.ca it will be up and running in a week or so:-)

really...

2009-07-20T04:34:00.000-07:00

here I am, caught up again
no really, trapped in the net
using it as a crutch
sticking with the familiar
but this time the Universe will not let me
and I am grateful for that

today....

2009-07-04T03:11:00.001-07:00

it is early and everyone is still asleep... this is how it always was.. me early in the morning, the air cool and still, no sound or movement, save the keys on the computer... dishes now done and I am on the computer trying to think of something profound to say... I am fitting back in easily, making it my own once again.. things have not gone as smoothly as I would have hoped, but that is life sometimes. I am feeling comfortable in my grove and happy to be back in it:-)

Tonight the kids are having a welcome home party, it will mostly be their friends... hehe but I am glad of it and grateful.

home....

2009-07-02T10:34:00.000-07:00

again, home again... jigitty jig!

Saying good bye is hard to do...

2009-06-28T11:24:00.000-07:00

I am packed and the last of my good byes is this evening and tomorrow morning I head for home in New Brunswick... what a year this has been... I am very grateful for everyone's support and help this past year... I could not have done it without you! Special thanks to Julie for putting up with me for the year here in Toronto and to Teresa for taking such good care of things on the home front... I will miss my Toronto friends and going to school each day but am excited for what lies ahead of me as I embark upon this new healing career!

Love and hugs
Patty

Eulogies and Graduations...

2009-06-20T04:01:00.000-07:00

Not only did Hanna look beautiful, but was amazing this week end.. actually all the kids were... with style and caring they bounced from wake to Prom to Funeral to Graduation.. I am so very proud... tonight the Courtyard Party.. time to let some of this GO!!

Eulogy....

Cody came into our lives very unexpectedly and at a time when we needed him most. That seemed to be his way with all things. He just showed up when WE needed him and knew what to say or what to do to help US feel better. That was one of his many gifts, unselfishness. He expected very little for himself and no matter how much pain he had he rarely ever complained.

He had a quiet and gentle way of listening and watching what was going on around each of us and then he would come up with a powerful solution to whatever problem we had. And he was not afraid of the BIG problems either. With mature words he guided and soothed our broken hearts. He carried a heavy burden for many of us and there are some who are alive today because of his friendship.

Then there was that LOUD side to Cody. That side that would not back down in a fight and stood by your side regardless of expected outcomes. He did not think of his safety or run and hide, he just acted in what he knew was in the best interest of the person he was defending. And this gift is a rare one indeed and served him well as he waged his own war against cancer, that gift is a fighter’s spirit and courage beyond human expectations.

I once told him that he was my Jesus and he did not blink an eye, he knew what I meant and took it as the compliment it was. That I was acknowledging his ability to be A self-sacrificing compassionate teacher filled with unparalleled Love and kindness. Traits that we all struggle to possess, he had in abundance. He knew that what I saw in him was wisdom far beyond his years and I was honored to sit at his feet to learn from him.

As I sat by Cody’s hospital bed, I watched a steady stream of people of all ages come to support him. It was there I realized that I was not the only person he taught, saved, and loved. This fact was further confirmed when I joined 3 Memorial Facebook groups with over 1000 members and began to read the many entries commending his virtues…. I found myself specifically drawn to the.. “What do you Like about Cody Armstrong”… section of one page… and here is a sample of what I read…

“What do I like about Cody...Well where do I start!! OMG I would have to say everything...there's like nothing not to like about him!!! I love how no matter what happens he still smiles and stays positive...I also love that no matter what his friends go through. He is always there for them...THANKS Cody!!!”

“He’s an awesome person... He’s fun, cool, caring... He keeps his head up when times get hard and he fights his way through, He’s a very strong person. He NEVER gives up.”

“One of the things I like best about Cody is that he has a really big heart and is kind to everyone. He is strong and nothing can stop him when he wants something he goes for it and wont stop until he gets it ♥”

“Cody you are like a brother 2 me and one of the strongest people I have ever met and ever will, I love you man.”

“Cody is one of the strongest people I know!! He is my hero...His strength is to be admired. His courage is beyond most!!
I also admire his loving heart, his determination. Cody is loved from coast to coast!! Cody your spirit, your strength creates hope for us all.”

Out of all of these remarkable comments, the most often used words were compassionate, loving, a true friend, a hero, courageous, strong, fearless, positive, supportive, and generous. Our friend was all of those things, and more. We all have many great memories of Cody and my hope is that we will all keep on sharing them and celebrating him. I believe that through sharing our stories of Cody we will continue to learn and grow from his example and continue his legacy of LOVE.

As I was writing this an old saying came to mind…

“When you were born, you cried and the world rejoiced. Live your life so that when you die, the world cries and you rejoice.”

That is how our darling boy lived his life. In service to others and that is qualified by the amount of people who are here today to wish him God Speed and to share in mourning with those he held dear. He always did get a crowd… and like he always said, “When ya got it ya got it!”

Love and Hugs Patty

home and back.. home and back... home

2009-06-16T03:19:00.001-07:00

this is the forecast of my next few weeks... I flew home on Thursday to the bedside of our darling friend Cody Armstrong... (April 25, 1990 to June 15, 2009)... I was told he had died.. he had not.. and what an emotional roller coaster... yesterday morning at 10:30am Atlantic he did pass... he battled a rare brain cancer for almost 4 years... what an inspiration.. as I sat in his hospital room a steady stream of teens paraded in and told stories of how he saved them, in one way or another... what a glorious testament to his kindness, caring and compassion... Cody was like my child.. I feel a depth of sadness that defies words... I love him and will miss his friendship!

Wednesday I fly home, again, for Hanna's Prom.. a somber event... Mary will not be with us and Cody was to be her date... his older brother, Corey, who Hanna is dating will step in.. he has some big shoes to fill:-) Then back to Toronto, again on Sunday, and then home for good the following week end... good I need some rest!

Birthdays and other milestones!

2009-05-28T06:18:00.000-07:00

Today is Hanna and Mary's Birthday.. Hanna is now 18 and marking the days to her Prom... I miss Mary terribly:-( If Mary was alive she would still look the same, Hanna does. I am worried about what will happen when I can no longer imagine her as the age Hanna is.

The theme of this year's courtyard party is Super Hero's.. I want to go as Mary!

My birthday Party was a huge success and Julie and my classmates did it up nice.

I am now a Reiki Master!

School is almost over and I am on information overload.

I am grateful for everything!

I have my tickets to fly home for Hanna's Prom in June.

I am going to the Toronto Symphony Orchestra tonight with Julie.

I am planting a healing garden with my friend Doreen this week end.

I miss home, and you.

Mother's Day!!

2009-05-10T11:26:00.001-07:00

For the first time, this does not feel bitter sweet.. instead I feel filled with joy and sunshine and gratitude for having been given the gift of children.. Thank You Universe for that trust:-)

been a long time...

2009-05-03T04:44:00.001-07:00

I know I know... it has been awhile.. but in my defense.. school work is challenging and time consuming... I was drunk.. no detoxing.. actually all of the above are plausible, however, the real reason is that I have been swamped with school work and have not really had any thing very interesting to say... I know can you believe it.. hehe

My new loves... color therapy, reflexology and chakra balancing.. and OMG Reiki... hummmm I completed level 2 Reiki and helped to facilitate a Reiki level 1 class with my Master... she calls me her Master in training.. I am doing my Master level on May 23rd... I am very excited about that... I can now do distance healing and it is brilliant and so powerful.. it feels like I am holding the Universe in my hands.. this feat is an amazing gift from the Universe to us little beings... and anyone can learn how... that is the beauty of Reiki... anyone can be attuned... I plan to do lots of that when I come home... I am hoping to attune Mom's and kids and Parents and everyone... Reiki is an amazing healing energy.. well I could go on for hours about it.. I love it that much.. :-)

My time in Toronto is winding down and I am sad because I will miss my friends here who I have grown to love, however, I am excited to be going home and to get back to work and start building my practice and doing workshops on energy and chakras... Hang on to your hats, it is going to be an amazing wild ride!! July 1st!!!

the gut stump...

2009-04-10T08:21:00.000-07:00

there is was, larger than life,
smack dab in the middle,
this huge, barely hanging on to life,
dark brown severed stump
with deep roots
that twisted and entwined
organs struggling
slits and cracks
on the not smooth surface
center opening
where I let you attach
siphon draining energy depleting
Yellow filled
reclaimed in Earth
transformed
and released

thinking time...

2009-04-03T04:13:00.000-07:00

You may, or may not have noticed but I have been a bit of a slacker of late when it comes to posting... but in my defense it is because School is in full swing, case studies are piling up and I am planning a clinic day at the school. Well, we both know I can handle that pressure easily and in true Patty form, everything is up to date and under control (but it is hard work being this organized). The real reason is that I have been in a contemplative state unable to sort some stuff out... triggers abound and I have taken a bite out of each one of them. Then I fall back on that same old comfortable anger pattern focused on him. Today, however, I feel like I have sorted it as far as I need to too make sense of it, to learn from it and to be able to let go of this pattern. And what I have come up with is this... even with all that I know and all that I do the common denominator in this tragedy is me and while I do believe I think in response to him reaching out, continuing to think about it is me. Soooo to let it go I need to say out loud a variation of what I keep thinking, send it back with Gratitude for the learning and let it go.

So here goes...
"There are 2 huge differences between you and I that make it impossible for us to ever be friends again. The first is that your Engineer life is moving in a different direction than mine, and as I come closer to Spirit and Nature I feel farther away from who we were together. The second, and to my human form, the most important: 2 years, 4 Months and 3 days have gone by and a soul friend would not have let that happen without some kind of recognition of my great loss. I want to believe that you do not know the outcome because the later is so hurtful. I know what I would have done if it was your child who died. I would have sent a card and said, I know you said go but I could not let this tragic event happen without saying my heart is hurting for you and your family. But then again you are not me, you are you and I need to let that go with love."

This exercise has shown me that each time something happens to me that triggers my anger I fall back on the same whipping post he done me wrong topic and that sends negative energy out into the world, and quite possibly to this person who is doing as I asked, staying gone, and that is not what I want. I am not sure why I fall back on anger patterns as I make sense of other anger triggers, but I do it and I wanted to put this out into the Universe to let go and make amends for any negative energy I have unconsciously sent.

Today
I am who I am
because yesterday
you were who you were
and that has made all the difference

So today, I let go of all outdated and outmoded emotional responses that do not work for my highest good or bring me closer to living my Soul's purpose. With Love and Gratitude for the learning I let him go.

March Break at an end...

2009-03-22T17:27:00.000-07:00

What a joyful March Break I have had. It started with my dear friend Asma and a few days with she and Aisha... what fun... and her friends are so awesome... we had a spa night and they let me do Reiki on them.. hummm case studies:-) Then it was off to my friend Doreen's and a grand visit with she and her family. Doreen's 5 year old son Ben is still recovering from his Bone Marrow Transplant.. he too had Aplastic Anemia... he is a wonder and a joy.... I will do whatever it takes to hear his laughter.... and oh man does he know it.... our new song is Peppermint Twist... hehe especially the round and around and around part.. hehe

After Doreen's I went to my niece Angela's for 2 nights and her darling girls are a joy... bundles of energy and love... Annelise, age 6, made me a sign to take home.. "Dear Patty, you are adorkable... Love Annelise"... hehe I have to get it framed.. there is no other choice.. it is that cute!! Back to Doreen's for more days of fun and cooking and tye dying and scrapbooking... Thanks to each of them, and their friends and cats and dogs and kids, I completed all of my Reiki case studies... I arrived home this afternoon exhausted, and happy.. friends make life so much sweeter, another thing I am grateful for!!

Back to school tomorrow!!

Wow X 2= holy camoly!

2009-03-06T04:01:00.000-08:00

What a whirlwind of emotions this past week has held. Having the capacity to contact Mary's donor has been a gift. Sharing our stories has had a tremendous healing effect on my heart. Reliving some of Mary's quirks and uniqueness has been so joyful. Grief is a task master, to say the least. I am filled with a deep level of gratitude for his sacrifice and his role in helping to save Mary's life. But Creator had other plans for my darling girl, my spirit child who soars with the Universe. What a blessing!

On another note I got my 1st Reiki attunement this week and my healing hands are hot and tingly and ready to go to work. Reiki is what I used to help me begin to heal my heart after Mary died and is the energy treatment I will use most in my new practice. It is a glorious thing when Creator's LOVE flows through you into another person. I am both humbled and ecstatic at the prospect of having a tool for peace in my own 2 hands.

Each day is a new adventure and my arms are thrown back in anticipation. My heart is soaring and my mind is clear and with direction. I am grateful!

Donor!!

2009-02-28T06:08:00.000-08:00

After 2 years of waiting I have been given the contact info for Mary's bone marrow donor... I really wanted to thank him for his amazing gift... and I got to do that:-)

22 years...

2009-02-17T07:33:00.000-08:00

Some days I measure time with how long it has been. Not in regret, but with memories of side-splitting laughter, amazing meals and building. Sure there were stressors, hurt feelings and sometimes unfulfilled dreams. Welcome to life. But that is the beauty of memories, I get to choose which ones I hold on to and replay. Today I imagine my Dad in his work shop hammering and sawing and creating. And that nail that went wrong and the cussing that came out of him in a very humorous way. Jesus, Mary and Joseph, he was so happy while creating. I think that was the thing that gave him the most pleasure, besides his grand kids. Taking a piece of wood and fashioning a table or deacon's bench, a shelf, or chair. There is something magical about wood that roots you in the earth and I think Daddy knew that.

Today is the 22nd anniversary of my father's death. I miss him and I am sad that my kids never got to know him. Zech was born the next year, at the end of this month he will be 21.

February 15, 2008

2009-02-15T05:52:00.000-08:00

My head is swimming,
my heart fragile
and the day draws near

accepting what is...

2009-01-30T06:54:00.000-08:00

It doesn't matter how many times I write it, nor does it matter how many times I am challenged to live by the belief, but sometimes I just do not want to accept what "is" and let go of what I want. In this specific situation, it is about the life of someone I love and his current journey. My darling friend Cody, who I got to know at clinic, he and Mary had the same clinic days, is once again going for brain surgery as his last (and they said final) round of Chemo has not abated the aggressive fucking cancer that currently eats at his brain. So on one level I know that I must accept his journey and how it unfolds for him, take the lessons he teaches me about courage and love and openness as a gift from him and let his journey unfold as it should. Support him as best I can and deal with the outcomes. Then there is the hurt Mommy-ME not wanting that for his Mom and Dad, or for me and mine who have grown to love him like he was ours. And the irony is that no matter what I want, or do, this story will unfold as it is meant too. My role in this story is a small one, a supporting cast member. I see myself on the stage, ready to yell out a line from another play... a line that does not belong on this stage... and I can't, my throat is closed and I continue to play the rehearsed role... I accept what is and wait... and wait for outcomes.

Macbeth, Act V, Sc. V
To-morrow, and to-morrow, and to-morrow,creeps in this petty pace from day to day,
to the last syllable of recorded time; And all our yesterdays have lighted fools
the way to dusty death. Out, out, brief candle! Life's but a walking shadow,
a poor player that struts and frets his hour upon the stage and then is heard no more: it is a tale told by an idiot, full of sound and fury, signifying nothing.

and the irony is that the only thing that is real is this moment and at this moment it means everything!

25 things about me...

2009-01-24T07:25:00.000-08:00

1.I have had my heart broken but I learned valuable lessons from it. Not to be consumed by either love or hate, to find a balance. This was one of the hardest lessons I ever had to learn. And, in return, the hardest words were thanks to the men who taught me those lessons.
2.The hardest lesson I have learned, however, is that every living thing has a journey, and what I want does not have anything to do with their journey. We each come to life with an agenda and when we have learned, or taught, or both, to fulfill that agenda, then we leave this life. It is the hardest lesson when the teacher is your child. In this light, the hardest words I have ever spoken were; I love you so much, I will miss you forever, good bye my darling girl. But when I finally spoke them, I was free. Talk about dichotomy!
3.I am single and am very happy being that way. Not that I do not ever want intimacy again, for this right now my focus is spiritual growth and learning.
4.My 1st main goal in life is to be a good person.
5.My 2nd main goal in life is to be an outstanding Mom and to have my children love me in return.
6.My 3rd main goal is to continuously grow and learn about my connection to all living things, about Universal Energy and how to be a conduit for it’s LOVE!
7.I have many people who love me, and I them, and I am grateful daily for that.
8.I love to hug, can’t get enough of it. Actually I will hug almost anything!
9.I love strong, black coffee, cool clear water and beer.
10.I am in school studying Holistic Healing and I will, upon my return home, open my own practice and begin to use what I have learned to support people in their own healing. Aromatherapy massage, with a little chakra balancing, anyone!
11.I am currently living in Toronto with my friend Julie and I am very grateful that she has allowed me to intrude on her life for a year to go to school.
12.I love animals of all shapes and sizes, and believe that they hold valuable lessons for each of us.
13.I love rocks; quartz, amethyst, rose quartz, mangano calcite, angelite, snowflake obsidian, hematite, malachite…. and so on, and so on, and so on…. I have over 125 different kinds of rocks, sorted labeled and loved. I believe crystals, if used properly can be an amazing conduit of universal healing energy. Rock’s come from my other love, Mother Earth, whose generous bounty never fails to take my breath away.
14.I love food. This is not a like situation, it is love. I also love to cook, and am pretty good at it. My favorite meal would be the one I am currently eating, especially if it is cooked with love. OK the potato, it rocks!!!
15.I sometimes struggle with low self-esteem, but hide it well.
16.I am a public speaker who near faints from nerves before I speak.
17.On the surface I am an outgoing social person, but the real me is introspective and a bit of a loner. I really enjoy being alone with my thoughts. I am a geek.
18.I love to write out my thoughts and currently have 2 blogs on the go. One is about my healing journey, hence the name, and the other, is about parental grief and loss. If interested you can find them at ….
http://pattyshealingjourney.blogspot.com/
http://www.themaryfund.com/
19.I come from an amazingly supportive, kind and generous family whose love means everything to me.
20.I am on the right path to being the person I want to become. The hugest challenge to overcome on that road has been me. Sometimes I can not get out of my own way.
21.I am not real complicated. I am straight forward and accept people where they are at and expect the same from them.
22.I believe that as an individual I am powerless, but when I open myself to universal energy, and act from a place of right action in the now, I am incontrovertible. And so are you.
23.I love New Brunswick, the province and the people. Actually I love Canada, the people and the country. My real issue is Government. I am sure that does not come as any surprise.
24.I really do not know what people see in me, and this is not a plea for positive strokes. I usually feel unworthy or the affection of others and am surprised that so much love comes my way. Maybe it is that I want to be a mirror for love, or a conduit for universal love. If I have succeeded then I now know why.
25.This exercise has been harder than I though, but then again, I always go to the deep stuff. I struggle with the surface, because that is where all my self-loathing lies.
26.If I do not post this right now I will edit it forever, I struggle to let go of my words, sometime sit feels like the birthing process.

The Mary Fund is back....

2009-01-22T05:39:00.000-08:00

I am very excited to say that the Mary Fund site is back up and running... I will use that site for discussions of grief and this blog for sharing learning, and sometimes they will over lap... http://www.themaryfund.com/

My news is today is that I filled out the papers to contact Mary's Bone Marrow donor... I know that if I am meant to know him and his family then I will... what I really want to do is just tell him how important his sacrifice was to Mary.. she talked about him like she already knew him, and in a way she did, as his blood gushed through her body saving her life... her death was because of what the treatments did to her little body, chemo and radiation... ugh!! The other knowing part is that on another, more spiritual level, we all know one another.. Mary knew that and as I learn more about it, I realize how much more there is to know about who we are and the road we are traveling... and how much more aware I become of our impact on each other and every person we come in contact with.. for better for worse.. we learn... I am grateful for this:-)

My other news is that last night Emma went back home and I miss her terribly... we had an awesome visit and a load of fun... and I am glad she was able to come:-)

Emma is here....

2009-01-11T09:39:00.001-08:00

After a bit of a weather delay, Emma arrived Friday morning and the action has been non-stop.. I took her to her first Drag Show and we laughed and danced and had a blast.... yesterday we went out to my friend Doreen's for her darling Ben's 5th Birthday.. an amazing feat considering he has weathered 2 bone marrow transplants and countless other health issues... he is a spirited and joyful little lad who daily amazes me with his wit and capacity to love. The next 2 weeks will be filled with adventures and amazing food!

Gratitude for learning....

2009-01-08T08:11:00.000-08:00

A situation presented itself at my school and I knew what to do and how to handle it because of what I have learned from each of you. All I could think about on the bus ride home was how grateful I am for having had you be a part of my life. So I am writing to you to thank you for all that you have taught me about compassion and love and accepting people where they are. Even those times when I fucked it up, you showed me acceptance and taught me more than you can know. I am very grateful for having the opportunity to know you and to have played a small role in your life journey. Trusting me took courage, and in that trust, you taught me what it really means to be courageous and to look fear in the face. It also taught me how important it is to keep that trust sacred and how to be compassionate and empathetic without judgment. Mostly, you allowed me to grow and learn about me through you, and for that I will forever be grateful.

Love and hugs
Patty

Organizational Theme

2008-12-29T05:19:00.000-08:00

I think that my theme for the coming year is organization... everything is pointing me in that direction... what I think, what I feel and what I am given. My favorite Christmas presents this year are plastic containers to organize my rocks and a beautiful bag to house my aromatherapy gear, complete with plastic bags that Velcro to the sides of it to hold oils and a beautiful purple and green box to house all of my essential oils, safely, uncontaminated and easily transportable... and a small penguin change purse to hold my bus tokens.. I am going places and getting organized! (I also got some other sweet stuff like a food dehydrator, toys and new jammies for resting in after I am organized.. hehe)

All this thinking about organization made me think of the most organized woman I have ever met, my, "Everything has a place, everything in it's place", Mother. I remember my Mother saying exactly, "Alright, lets get organized!" before embarking upon any chore. Big or small, it did not matter, she said it. For every job she had a method and system that worked for her. She chipped away at each task methodically and with purpose. I cherish the pieces she shared with me because each gem is totally transferable to my life.. like "clean the bathroom first, it is the smallest room in the house and you fee like you have accomplished something... one room complete". And, "If the kitchen is clean, then the whole house feels clean". She also taught me that some things are necessary evils and the task you like the least you should do first. For each person that evil is different.. mine is dishes.. but when I look at them as a necessary evil the task is less daunting and I am happy to have clean dishes because I love to cook and eat. This logic, applied to my life became, "Change the way you see something and it becomes less stressful and difficult".

My Mother's system was her own, and from the outside it seemed unfathomable. But then, that is the beauty of Mother's. We do not always understand what they mean on the surface, especially when they teach by modeling or through metaphor. Then one day a task presents itself that we do not know how to handle and there is our Mother alive and well in our subconscious saying, "lets get organized" and it all falls into place. I think she was teaching me about controlling what I can and not worrying about what I can not. And that the only thing I can truly change is how I approach a situation. The only real control I have is over me in this moment.

From the outside her system did not always make sense to me, but it didn't have to, it only had to work for her. After all, it was her system. Just like, what became my system did not always make sense to her. She did, however, have the good sense to continue to teach by doing and not by outwardly judging. Even though it sometimes felt like it, I have realized that that part was how I felt about my system not being good enough, not about her or her imposing her will on me.

And for each of us, part of the organizing is finding what works and what doesn't. And that is life, sorting and discarding that which doesn't work anymore and finding new solutions. In this right now, its a black and white case and plastic and wood containers to transport my new career from place to place.

And here I am, 2 years after she died, Mama continues to teach me about how to organize my life. That, my friends, is the mark of a great Mother. My ardent wish is that I can be that kind of Mother to my children. I best get organized!

Mary Robina Robinson Donovan (January 31,1924 to January 4,2007)

Joyous Festivus!!

2008-12-24T07:11:00.000-08:00

What a year... after 48 of them, most looking similar, I am convinced that I am not to lead an ordinary life... and I have come to see how joyful that can be.... so many wonderful things have happened this year to be grateful for.. my moving to Toronto to attend school and the support I have received around that from family and friends, and Government.. Thank you.... Zechariah finding his profession in plumbing and a great company in Mark Campbell's plumbing... Thank you.... Emma and her job at the Hammond River Market, which she loves... Thank you... Hanna's successful last year at KVHS... Thank you... and Dale's moving into my house to look after things while I am away at school... Thank you... Of course I miss Mary as much as ever and today I began to think about her joyful face and her playing Santa on Christmas mornings... She loved to make people smile.... my Mom and Dad, who I love dearly... remembering all the funny things about them and the holidays and oh how it warms my heart.. looking back at my childhood and the quirks and quarks of my brothers and sisters, all of whom I have the deepest appreciation for and admiration of.. even with all the trials and tribulations, I feel blessed to have each of you in my life.. there is not a day that goes by that I do not give thanks for who I am and who I have become... thank you for your part in supporting the me I am today.

I wish each of you a year filled with Peace and Harmony and Joy!
Love and Hugs
Patty

Saturday

2008-12-13T05:50:00.001-08:00

It may look like a roller coaster from the outside but the inside of me is peaceful and calm and happy. I woke this morning thinking about choices and that it is our choice what we feel when we feel it... it was way more poetic in my dream, of course, but you get the gist. What I have learned to do with thoughts that upset me or are negative.... I hear them out, tell them they do not serve my higher good and send them off... some stay gone and some are a little more persistent, however, most leave and over time it beings to get lighter int here... roomy almost... most days I walk around joyfully experiencing with out thought or judgment.. happily floating in the moment... it really is wonderful... then there are times where I choose to sort stuff out and replay memories or plan for the future, but not while I am otherwise engaged. It works for me and I can not believe how joyful I feel most days.

Then I got out of bed and was singing... Bob Marley "Is this Love that I am feeling"... it is not for any particular thing or person but for everything and this glorious connection to the Universe that I feel surrounds me with love and support and light. I am so very grateful for this internal journey I am on. I feel settled, peaceful and loved... awesome!

The Christmas season has begun. I went to a great party Thursday night with a classmate and then to a drag bar... what a hoot... I love to dance... and today we are having a cookie bake and exchange... Oh what fun it is to ride! I am sure there are a billion other things to say, but for now I have to go and get my self ready for shortbread cookies:-)

2 years....

2008-11-30T05:07:00.001-08:00

Today is like any other day. I missed her yesterday, last week and 2 months ago. I miss her today and will, most probably, miss her tomorrow and next week and the week after that. Nothing has changed except how much I feel it physically. What was once a sharp stabbing debilitating pain in my chest has been replaced with numbness. I breathe in and out, just like before. I breathe in and out. It is only when I think about it too intensely that the pain of my broken heart resurfaces. It is more like a memory than an actual pain. Maybe I am suffering from phantom heart pain, like those who loose a limb. You still feel it energetically even when it has left you. Maybe that is why anniversaries are worse, because we think the pain back into being. It is our designated day to talk about our losses. We have set this day aside in our calender to feel. We prepare ourselves for the worse, and then everyone feels it with us. We become united in that memory of pain and relive the day, over and over. Nothing has changed, except the scope of our memory. Details emerge, but are they real or created?

We do that with more than grief. We hash and rehash life's minutiae daily. As if looking at it, yet again, will bring us this desired clarity or ending. Reality is that the only thing that keeps it alive is our capacity to regurgitate memory and manipulate it to either make us feel better or worse depending on our point of view at the moment, or the trigger. History is subjective.

48 years and a trillion memories. The choice is mine what I relive. I choose this moment with a heaping helping of fresh out of the oven hot bread, thick butter, smiling hungry faces and laughter. And I continue to breathe, in and out.

Mary

2008-11-29T03:18:00.000-08:00

2 years ago tomorrow...

DONOVAN, MARY (May 28, 1991 - November 30,2006) Oh my darling girl, you are missed today and everyday with an intensity that defies description. Your courage strength and sacrifice continue to teach us about love, joy, friendship and family and we are grateful for having had you in our life. Love Mom, Zech, Emma and Hanna

title-less

2008-11-28T06:33:00.000-08:00

Let go

I feel stuck, stalled, unable to move.
Located in my gut is a petrified place.
A dark dull grey room that threatens to topple if I move.
I am trapped in the middle, with a foot on either side
trying desperately to find the right balance.
The look of desperation on my face is alarming.
Nightmares are made of this.
I am a lone performer on this internal stage.
The curtains are drawn, and yet, the show goes on.
I am trapped in balance and it is exhausting.

I want to let go.

Sunday...

2008-11-27T14:38:00.001-08:00

2 years... doesn't it go by in a flash... it seems just like yesterday I was walking the halls of Sick Kids not sure of out comes... not much has changed, except I know the outcomes of that situation.

Spiral Tattoos and other things.

2008-11-15T06:06:00.001-08:00

There is no beginning, no middle, no end. Existence is one continuous, ever changing dance. Peace is, learning to flow with that dance. There are maze-like twists and turns, corners of confusion, slides and gentle slopes. There are many layers to grow through and ancient wisdom's to uncover in the spiral of a single breathe. There is that which sustains human life; land and sea and sky. And in that human life, there is birth, death and rebirth. There is pain and sorrow and hope. And nothing looks like what we think we want. That which sustains us while learning to dance is a belief in continuity and reason. We start out slow and as our soul gains momentum it widens and exponentially increases speed ( ). Our size changes until our soul is one with all that is. We are, at the same time, nothing and everything in an eternal dance of Love. Peace is surrender to the joy of the dance.

Hanna arrived yesterday. What joy it is to have someone to take care of. I do love being a Mom.

The day loss began...

2008-11-08T04:19:00.000-08:00

I had never been close to child death, I was not even sure how one managed it really and 2 years ago today, with the loss of our darling little friend, Zoë I began to get a sense of not only what was to come in my life, but what was to be the most painful thing a parent can experience, the death of their child. Today feels different than last year, I am not as tied up in knots. I am not as apprehensive about what is to come and I am not running from my emotions. Hold on for a bumpy ride. The up side this week is that in 6 sleeps Hanna comes for a week and I am ecstatic, over the moon like a flying loon... hehe We have a whirlwind week planned that includes dinners with family and friends, new tattoos, a visit to the Royal Ontario Museum and to the opening of the next big movie thing, "Twilight". Like this last 2 years, it all goes by in the blink of an eye.

My love and heart is with Jenn and Chris and Jaxon today as they spend the day with family and friends making sense of their loss. I will be with you in spirit my dear friends.

GUIMOND, ZOE- In loving memory of our princess Zoë who passed away November 9, 2006 after a devastating battle with cancer. You taught us the meaning of life, the breathtaking depths of love, the power of courage and the importance of hope even in the darkest times. Love you forever and ever and ever... MOMMY, DADDY, JAXON, AUNT BETH and UNCLE PATRICK

GUIMOND, ZOE - Tomorrow it will be 2 years since your spirit journey began. May you float on fairy wings Princess Butterfly. Love Patty, Zech, Emma and Hanna Donovan

Human on hold..part 2

2008-10-31T05:47:00.000-07:00

I am struggling to accept my humanness and would rather be spirit.. that is not to say I would rather be dead... leaving those I love behind would be too painful.. but the draw of divine with one of my children on the other side is very desirable... I think I am supposed to learn balance in this too... how to be both fully human and fully spirit... equally... not being consumed by either at the expense of the other.

Balance has been a major theme in my life. It is always balance I learn.. not to be consumed by any one thing and when I do the Universe pulls me back, sometimes aggressively, to teach me about balance... in the deepest pain and the darkest hour I learn... When my heart is broken and my anger is great I learn compassion and love... sometimes in giving and sometimes in receiving... when Mary died, for example, at the darkest part of my grief I was overcome by love... love poured out at me from even the most unexpected places, and I relished it... I reveled in it and my heart mended... I was once again a work of Joy... when I thought my whole world would come crashing down because I could no longer cope in my work that I loved... and I could not take it any more.. a door way opened and I learned... and I continue to learn.

And now I struggle to accept my humanness when we human's are raping the earth, killing one another for oil and power and when money and ownership is the measure of a person's worth... I struggle to understand slavery... Oh, we do not pick them up in boats anymore or trick them with our wampum.. well not as openly and conspicuously... we enslave with labels and consumerism.. we are all slaves to corporate greed.. selling us those things we just can not live without.. creating a false self-esteem in ownership... if you act now, you too can be the proud owner of this 2009... bla bla bla... marketing selling us an illusion of happiness... and I struggle to find that balance between my spirit of love and light and the earthly body of greed and gluttony... I struggle to make sense of it all... I struggle, but I am winning and I can taste the balance.. it is near at hand... and I am grateful.

PS- Universe/Love/Divine/Goddess/God/Creator/Self... I want to learn... I am open to learning... I just need a little gentle learning now :-)

Freedom

2008-10-27T14:10:00.001-07:00

LOVE is the only answer... and each of us finds our path through a different guide.. for some it is Jesus, Oh man if we really listen he is love... or Buddha... or whatever... but it is being open to love... for me that is to accept everything as it is.. that includes ourselves... in this moment... the only thing that is real is this moment... and we must learn to flow with it, through it.. and yes sometimes it is like riding a huge wave that you feel will certainly be the end of you... and sometimes we want it to be the end of us, especially when grieving or in deep deep pain... connection to the divine in all of us is essential for self love and having the ability to recognize the divine in others opens us to that deep spiritual love our souls crave... that does not mean I have to walk a path another sets... because that is not my path.. sometimes my path is to open myself up to the living earth and feel the beat of Nature.. the divine is there.. Nature is my church and I do not walk alone... I feel the angels walk with me.. I feel my angel guides like they are another me..but reality is I am them.. we are all one from the same source... open to that learning.. I have long ago stopped imposing my will and allow right action to flow through me.. it is always the will of the collective universe... it is always the will of Love.... and love has many names... Goddess, God, Creator, Universal Protector... he/she/they said "I am who I am".. just accept what is and learn to flow with it... As Toni Morrison says.. "You got to free yourself from the shit that weighs you do in order to fly"... stop thinking.. just be with things and see where it goes... and feel your spirit soar! :-)

Human on Hold!

2008-10-23T06:58:00.000-07:00

Yeah.. the Mary Fund site is back.. www.themaryfund.com

I have felt like my humanness has been on hold, until now... I feel alive.. I feel my breathe... I have been holding it for 2 years and 6 months... probably longer, but that is how long I have been aware of it... feeling my physical body has been on hold... I was numb... and finally I feel! but what I feel is a mixed bag of emotions and memories and pains and joys and losses... I have been on hold and now I no longer fell like I am drowning... so why am I crying so hard.

Week end Thoughts....

2008-10-13T05:11:00.000-07:00

1. Why is Turkey so delicious stuffed?

2. Why are people so loud when in Nature and why do parents let children rip leaves off trees instead of teaching them respect? Can they not hear the trees talking?

3. Why are polluting fossil fuels still allowed on our planet when we have the technology to move way beyond?

4. Why do some people minimize another's contribution to how smoothly things run and how do the contributors stand that minimization year after year without going insane? Or does a little bit of us die each time we do not defend the self?

5. Why is it that I never spill hot coffee on dirty slippers, just new laundered ones?

6. There is a time and place for Pink Floyd, just not when I am held captive in the back seat without sedation.

7. No matter how hard you try, some people just will not engage you in conversation, even if you are together for hours and hours and hours.

8. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder, and joy comes from beholding all things as beautiful.

9. Club House sandwiches really are fabulous.

10. Gratitude everyday, for everything, that is the key to unlocking the inner child and not taking our lives for granted.

11. When we stop taking our lives for granted, then others follow suit. "It's a funny thing about life; if you refuse to accept anything but the best, you very often get it." W. Somerset Maugham

12. I am grateful for all learning, even the hard stuff, because I have been shown both the light and the dark, and now I know how to choose.

13. Trees heal the planet, and if you listen, can heal your soul.

14. Apple juice running down your chin is funny and tasty.

15. Not everything is as you think, then somethings are exactly what you thought. Wisdom is knowing the difference and then letting go of that outcome, after all how people are just tells you about who they are, it is not your problem to do anything about it. The only thing you control is you.

16. Leftovers are an effortless way to remember.

17. If children's laughter is annoying, then you need to figure out why because that is the purest source of joy.

18. Listening to old music can transport you back in time, momentarily. But why live in the past? We tend to mostly think of what was with sadness and longing in a way that stops us from loving the present.

19. Bliss can, on occasion, be found in getting lost in a biscuit covered with strawberries and whipped cream. It can also be found in pure unadulterated living in the now.

20. ("There is nothing either good or bad, but thinking makes it so." - from Hamlet, Wm. Shakespeare; Act II, scene ii) Working on losing my need to judge has released me from societal and self imposed shackles.

High Park among the trees...

2008-10-11T06:05:00.000-07:00

I am listening to Fiest eating an omelet and thinking my happy feet need to be among the trees so off I am going to High Park. I am thinking about Thanksgiving and what I am thankful for. I am thinking today and will let you know what I thought.

letter to the Premier and to the Telegraph Journal!

2008-10-07T06:55:00.000-07:00

Dear Premier Graham,

I am writing to you today about the banning of pesticides in New Brunswick. I am sure that you and your appointed members of the consultation process will be inundated with information on both sides of the issue. And I am also sure this will be a difficult decision for all of you.

For the past 15+ years I have been an outspoken activist on the subject of toxics in children. I was forced into the fray when my son, who is now 20, was poisoned by toxic cleaning products used in his elementary school. He became hyper sensitive to all chemicals, which included perfumes, solvents and pesticides, to name a few. When this happened to him he was an exemplary student in Grade 2. Within a few months he forgot how to read and write, he developed body rashes, nose bleeds, cracked and bleeding skin… there is a list! For 4 years he was in and out of the public system until the school was rendered chemically safe. But his issues did not stop there. Through out his academic career he struggled, eventually leaving school during grade 12. He is currently apprenticing as a plumber.

I worked extremely hard to create a non-toxic, safe and healthy home and environment for he and his 3 sisters. In 2006 I was asked to participate in a study of toxins in families and to my surprise; my family was the least toxic of all the families in the study.

I wish my story stopped there. I wish my story had a happy ending. But also in 2006, my youngest daughter Mary was diagnosed with a rare bone marrow disease called Severe Aplastic Anemia. The cause was investigated by the IWK and Toronto’s Sick Kid’s Hospital. There was no genetic cause, possibly a virus but they could find none. The third cause of this disease is pesticides. I was shocked and disheartened by this news. I had worked so hard to raise healthy non-toxic children. I had worked so hard to educate and advocate for change in how we look at toxins and children. Mary died November 30^th, 2006 at the Sick Kids Hospital in Toronto.

I wish my story stopped to, but it didn’t and each day I think about Mary and how much I miss her. I think about my remaining children and my yet unborn grandchildren and what legacy I am leaving them. I think about how angry I am that no one has done anything substantive, in my life time, to protect children from unwanted exposure to environmental toxins. I think about how many other children I have seen die in the past 2 years, and those who are still fighting with all their little might. And I wonder who will be their champion? Who will be brave enough to stand up and say no more toxins in our children!

And now you and your government have the unique opportunity to bring in a piece of legislation that could save a child’s life. I urge you to make the right choice and ban pesticides for cosmetic purposes. I implore you to be Mary’s champion and make the elimination of harmful toxins a priority for this Government.

a day close to the earth

2008-10-06T03:28:00.000-07:00

There is something amazing about a big old tree... the energy around it is so gentle, knowing and grounding and this week end I had the pleasure of communing with an old growth big redwood tree at the Royal Botanical Gardens in Burlington, Ontario (Martha will know this place well)... I had thought, for some odd reason, that I was going to Niagara, but this marvelous place was closer than I thought. What beauty, what amazing energy and what a joyous labour of love. And even though summer is winding down and change is happening, there was plenty to see and touch and smell and yes even taste a little. This place is so large that it will take many visits and seasons to see it all, and because nature is constantly in a state of change and flux, this feat may not be possible. But oh, what a joyous attempt that will be to try, the joy is in the trying I would think. The cacti and succulent growth was amazing.. huge palms with leaves the size of me, Aloe Vera that stand taller that an adult and a cork tree, I never knew. I felt blessed to see an endangered wollemi pine behind iron gates, which sent a chilling message about the fragile state of our planet. Along with the dark green pine were ageless ferns and others that have been around since the dinosaurs roamed the earth.

Outside, in the Hendrie Park Gardens we were treated to a expansive Environmental Art display from multiple artists, that ran on as we strolled the gardens. Sculptures of all shapes and sizes, molded copper statues and cut tin scenes; wood carved faces and huge pots, art of all shapes and sizes and textures that refract the light and create a barrier to it... sights and simulations that illicit deep emotions and stuck a cord of frivolity and lightheartedness. All of this intermingled with herbs and flowers and brush and trees, that in itself is a brilliant work of art everyone should see. http://www.rbg.ca/

Towards the end of our stroll we ventured out onto the spacious deck of the garden tea house and were delighted by a hot pot of tea and black current scones with Devon cream and jam. There was a wonderful folk singer, lulling us with a soothing melody of a dulcimer that felt brogue, but was entirely modern.

Maybe it was the cool fall air, maybe it was the abundance of living things in a state of change that reflects my own or maybe it was the scones, but one thing is for sure, I felt happy and contented and joyful surrounded by the simplicity and deliciousness of the day.

the days stroll by...

2008-10-04T11:24:00.000-07:00

The psychic told me that the money is coming, only slowly, that my heart belongs on the west coast and I should open my retreat there, and there is a man in my near future... Ohhhh my!! (insert fanning here) hehe

This week has been trying, when things happen to the kids while I am away it stresses me, Zech wiped out and took out a few front teeth and yesterday, Hanna fell and got 4 stitches in her leg.. ugh I am glad their dad is there with them, I am not sure I could manage this without that. The other trying thing is that my massage class is always chaotic and the energy is not conducive to being mellow and learning. I have had to take drastic measures and become very insular so that the exterior chaos does not impact the lesson, I am grateful that I can do that, but it is exhausting. My new purple massage table arrived and I am very excited to begin to practice what I am learning. And I had my first psychotherapist visit and it seems like it could be great... it is part of the program and I think at some point we could all benefit from a little therapy. Letting go of big chunks of grief has already happen for me and that has been a blessing.

Today Julie and Gerard and I spent the whole morning and part of the afternoon at a huge Ikea store... I got some very interesting Christmas and Birthday gifts... and just loved everything that I saw.. lovely!!

Tonight we are having a strawberry daiquiri and chocolate night and watching sex and the city with friends... tomorrow I am off to the Niagara region to look at the fall colors.. brilliant!

What I know to be true... childhood shame can make you become an overachiever.. which is good, but not when it is exhausting!

And oh did I enjoy the Leaders debate.. my dear friend Elizabeth May took the night and was brilliant... I hope she gets elected!! In Fundy Royal I am voting for Rob Moir (NDP) he is by and large the BEST candidate for the job and I hope that he gets elected... check out his site... http://www.robmoirndp.com/

Sunday Fair...

2008-09-28T05:30:00.000-07:00

Off to the Psychic Fair with Julie and Classmates this afternoon, I wonder if a palm reader can tell me where my Government money is? Fredericton, in all of their wisdom, have decided that the school is not registered, even though I gave them all that paper work.. now I need more paper work, I just found out about it on Friday... weeks after I should have gotten my money for books and school supplies... sigh Pray for me!!

School is great, I am learning lots but struggling with emotional issues that keep cropping up as I hurl towards the 2nd anniversary of Mary's death.. however, I am in the right place to grow through everything that comes up. I will see my new Psychotherapist sometime in the next 2 weeks (25 hours of therapy is required for the program) and will begin to unravel some of this mess I call my internal life... I am really looking forward to the peace that will come with that. I have finally started dreaming again, I haven't since Mary was diagnosed, so that is nice even though some of the dreams are freakish, it is cool to have a dream state again.

Everything else is grand, I am learning how to make bread with a bread maker... not as easy as it sounds.. so far the only bread that has turned out is New Brunswick Molasses Brown bread, and Oh is it sweet... I had it with fried potatoes and molasses beans the other night... ah childhood memories! Remember that on Friday nights of no meat! I will write more later after the fair!

Round pegs and square holes.

2008-09-21T04:52:00.000-07:00

Ever felt like you fit in, like you were meant to be with someone or at something? This is how school is for me. As most of you know, I have always been a round peg faced with square holes, and most of my life has been either to change me or to change the holes. At School I am a round peg and I am surrounded by round holes and other round pegs... it really is wonderful! This past week has been exhausting and exhilarating; it has been both a journey within and a connecting with something larger. I feel plugged in, separate and unique, yet connected to that which connects us all, Universal Energy (God/Creator/Goddess). It is amazing to be able to talk about what you think and feel, and your spiritual experiences without censorship, without fear, with only openness and acceptance. Don't get me wrong, I have had a lot of acceptance in my life, more than most people, most especially through my environmental work and my experience through non-profits, but even then I felt like I was keeping part of me a secret, part that was conspiring to break free. I have been very lucky to have many amazing individuals come and go in my life, to teach me, guide me and support me. I truly feel loved and supported in what I am doing and that makes such a huge difference when embarking upon a new course. Each day I am filled to the brim with gratitude!

The one upside/downside of all of this is the emotional work, is that it opens up my Mary wounds and illuminates my broken heart. Well the broken heart, of course, is from more than Mary, but all of my brokenness is over shadowed by her loss. The good news is that when I went within it was not as bad as I feared. Over the past 2 years (OMG I still can not believe it has been 2 years in November, it still feels like yesterday) I have done a lot of healing work with therapists and Elders and have let go of a great deal of emotional baggage in the process. I can now come to this work prepared to break free and really experience gratitude for Mary and for what she has taught me and gifted me with her death, and for the other teachers who, for better or worse, have impacted my journey. It really is like the Universe is conspiring to bring me to this place of healing so that I can channel that healing energy for others. And I am so very grateful for this opportunity.

Each of my classmates comes from different places and with a different set of experiences to share, some corporate, some questioning, some from other healing professions and some from pain and suffering, and each time they share they teach me with their point of view and I am so very grateful for them and their willingness to share with me.

This past week has also had some fun times. On Friday I went to the Carrot Common on the Danforth with 2 classmates, Val and John Paul and we had a blast shopping for healing crystals and massage oils. Then we went to Kennsington Market which is a mirage of funky stores, organic food and vegetarian restaurants. Another place for round pegs! hehe I have put some pictures on my facebook!

Also this week end Julie and I finished up the canning with cabbage rolls and stuffed peppers both smothered in homemade tomato sauce, and Salsa with lots of coriander. Well Back to my studies, of Anatomy and Physiology and shopping on Ebay for a massage table.

This week end also marked the leaving of our dear friend Luke Clark who is going Overseas to serve in the Army, Good Luck Luke, you will be in our thoughts and prayers for a safe return!

Happy Birthday Ronnie and Teresa!

Big Love
Patty

School Daze!

2008-09-15T17:09:00.001-07:00

It was a whirlwind of activity and I loved it... I am where I am supposed to be! Right now I am studying holistic perspectives, Chakra Studies and meditation and anatomy. Everyone is very kind and helpful.. it was a great first day!

I am exhausted.. last night I barely slept.. I was too excited... so now I am off to bed early.. night.

food glorious food, and other things!

2008-09-14T05:06:00.000-07:00

On Thursday I fasted and then went to my friend Asma's house to break my fast and learn about Ramadan and the Muslim faith. I met Asma at Sick Kids, her darling son Adam died just before Mary and I arrived. We are part of a group of Mom's who have connected and get together for dinner and evenings for healing. Anyway.... I had an amazing time... Aisha, her beautiful daughter, spent lots of time answering my questions and explaining things to me... who better to do it then someone learning... darling girl. And is she so gorgeous, dark skin and hair and the sweetest open face. Oh I love them both! Asma gifted me this beautiful embroidered deep burnt orange Salwar kameez a traditional dress. (Salvars or shalvars are loose pajama-like trousers. The legs are wide at the top, and narrow at the bottom. The kameez is a long shirt or tunic. The side seams (known as the chaak) are left open below the waist-line, which gives the wearer greater freedom of movement.) It was amazingly comfortable, however, there was one minor issue, it was quite form fitting, which made me a little uncomfortable.. hehe So the next day Asma let out the seams on the side so I do not look all boobs in it. :-)

The food Asma cooked was absolutely divine; Pakora, fried potatoes battered in chick pea flour and dipped in a yogurt, coriander and mint chutney; Dahi Barry, fried sweet lentil patties in yogurt and chick peas; Chicken Curry; and Chicken Paalak, chicken cooked with spicy sweet spinach. I do believe an angel sat on my tongue that night, absolutely amazing. And the hospitality. Asma's sister Nadia and her 2 children joined us and we had a great evening. I can not wait to go again. I love learning about new culture's and faiths and I have had so many questions about the Muslim faith, and I am very excitedly learning!

And no it did not escape me that Thursday was September 11. I have had so much loss in my life these past few years that I knew that on this day of mourning I wanted to do something special, something spiritual and who better than with those that I do not understand and Asma is an Ahamdi Muslim and they practice non-violence. She is a kind and beautiful woman and so is her family. I felt like an honored guest in her home, and it was wonderful. I am going again during Ramadan for a Bazzar in her building... hummm do I see some lovely bangles in my future!

This week end Julie and I are harvesting the back yard. Beets and carrots are ready as well as 100's of pears. Yesterday we canned 3 types of pears, gingered, spicy chutney with cranberries and currents, and pears in extra light sauce... yum! I also made New Brunswick oatmeal molasses brown bread in a bread machine and Oh was it good... we had it like I used to as kids with Molasses beans and fried new potatoes... it was heaven. Today more of the same, and adding Zinfandel pears and pickled beets. I love fall!

As I said in my last post my dear friend Gianni died on Wednesday, his funeral will be in Saint John on Monday. I will miss his laughter, and his positive sense of humor. I will miss his friendship. I think what makes it hard to loose someone close is partially the loss of their love. For over 35 years, Gianni loved me, and as we grew older that love became deeper, of that I am sure, and I will miss having that love confirmed in this earthly realm. I know that he has gone home. I know that he has his legs back. I know that he is pain free and for that I am grateful. But, I also know that I will miss him until I am with him again. But with each loss, I think about other losses and as I cooked and canned I imagined my Mom kneading brown bread in our kitchen and the smell of newly risen loaves. And I imagine my Dad peeling the hot skins off boiled potatoes for us kids and the eager faces awaiting the hot steamy goodness with a dollop of butter dangling from our forks. And my darling Mary, who is in my thoughts constantly, her crookedy smile awaiting whatever I was dishing up. They live in my heart and my mind, and are as close as my thoughts. So there I will store Gianni and my memories of our childhood and the stories of growing together.

School starts on Monday and I am really excited. I have everything ready and, of course, organized and labeled. I will post again to let you know how my first day was. And Oh yeah, yesterday I drove around Toronto for the first time and I did alright!

Sad News :-(

2008-09-10T14:55:00.000-07:00

Today my darling sweet friend, the first boy I ever kissed, my best pal, the person I shared a May 18th birthday with, and lifelong friend, Gianni Govic died this morning. He went peacefully in his sleep. I am so very glad I got to see him a few weeks ago on my way to Toronto. He is my profile picture. I will miss your weekly phone calls, your amazing wit and your love. Say hi to Mary for me!

WTF!!!

2008-09-08T18:35:00.000-07:00

Canada's broadcasters will not allow Green Leader Elizabeth May to participate in the leaders debates during the federal election campaign, the networks announced Monday afternoon.

'The notion that I would go into debates as someone to cheer on one other party leader is absurd.'— Green Leader Elizabeth May

The consortium of networks, which includes the CBC, said three of Canada's parties were opposed to May's inclusion, but did not give more details.

In recent days, the Conservatives, Bloc Québécois and the NDP have all expressed their opposition to May joining the debates.

"It became clear that if the Green party were included, there would be no leaders' debate," the consortium said in a press release.

"In the interest of Canadians, the consortium has determined that it is better to broadcast the debates with the four major party leaders, rather than not at all." from CBC.

I am dazed and confused, do we live in a democratic Canada or a communist regime? They will boycott if Elizabeth joins in the debate.... WTF.... talk about not playing nice in the sand box! Please write the CBC, or CTV, or Global and tell them what you think! And PLEASE vote GREEN!

Monday, I think I can do that!

2008-09-08T06:44:00.000-07:00

What a week end... I thoroughly enjoyed the Veggie fair and art show... At the Veggie fair we talked to people about where the best place to buy veggies at and organic stuffs, drank from a coconut with a straw and enjoyed interesting vendors and sampled many varieties of food, from all manner of ethnic and religious backgrounds... the Hare Krishna's were there with yummy Karma free cooking... what a thought cooking that builds no Karmic debt... I did not think that eating organic, ethically raised and killed meat could increase my karmic debt load... this is food for thought.. pun intended.. I wonder if many of us give thought to how our food was grown, harvested and cooked and how that impacts us spiritually... I wonder if that is why saying grace originated to wipe out the Karmic debt and blessing of the food to make sure it did not impact our spirit. To give thanks, does anyone do that any more before a meal, give thanks to the earth that grew it and to the workers who harvested it and the people or person who toiled to make it... I wonder.

Each day brings me a new series of thoughts and things to be grateful for... at this moment I am grateful for you, the sun, warm Organic Gluten free multi-grain bread from Molly B's kitchen... hot fair trade coffee... yummy!

At the Junction Art show we enjoyed amazing organic beer and were treated to wonderful music and buskers and art... I got my hand painted with henna again and enjoyed a free David Usher concert... he was, as usual, energetic, connected to the audience and in fine vocal form. I saw the most awe inspiring pink Jesus in an art store, it was loud and huge and the carved face had a level of depth that I have not seen in a carving in a long time... I had to touch it and Julie caught that shot.. I was enthralled.

Today Julie and I are off to the Toronto Islands for an adventure in the sun... this is my last week off before my classes start.. I plan to make the most of it each day with new and exciting adventures... I am especially happy to be breaking my fast on Thursday night with my dear friend Asma and to participate in Ramadan prayers with her family on Friday. I live to learn!

depends on your point of view

2008-09-06T06:39:00.000-07:00

How you experience the world is created by your point of view.
How you see the world creates the world you see.
How you fill yourself, and with what, adds to your world view and ultimately your self-image.

I am off to a Vegetarian Fair, like a home show for eggplants, and then to hear David Usher at the Junction Arts Festival, weather permitting!! Buckle down and take care.

Journeys, some more painful than others...

2008-09-03T06:58:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I spent the afternoon with my good friend Doreen at Sick Kids where her son Ben, who also has Aplastic Anemia, had surgery. The first time I went back to the hospital, which was earlier in the year, my heart skipped a beat and fear was in the pit of my stomach, but yesterday I had none of those same feelings. I was so happy to see Doreen and Ben that I never gave it much thought. And maybe that is the key to healing broken hearts, just choose not to dwell on it. Thinking about something negative over and over definately makes any situation worse. I know that the first time I went back I thought about it a lot, that Mary died there, that I had not been back since then, that I would be scared when I went.... every time I thought about Sick Kids it was in the negative, it was about me and my loss... if I even pictured the hospital I would get all in a twist, and now all I focused on was Ben's surgery and his healing. It really is amazing how powerful a change of mind can be. I felt free to walk about and support my friend and listen and send healing light to she and Ben without thought to my loss. There were a few times I did think of Mary, of course I would, when I washed my hands with that dreaded Bacti-stat soap that I had to wash me and her with day in and day out... the smell triggered memories and I let those memories flow, did not fight them, did not stop them, just watched them play out like an observer, and giggled at the memory of the funny things Mary would say about the soap.

Doreen's husband was there with her, so that free'd us to go out to supper together and back I went to the Elephant and Castle, cold beer on tap with many to choose from and the best roast beef and yorkshire pudding this side of my kitchen, you may remember me talking about it before, but this time I got a Club House sandwich, which was also good and a cold Stella! hummmmm Stella!

I am finding my way via the subway and buses and am enjoying each day and the adventure it brings.

Gelato and all that tastes good in the world

2008-09-02T06:48:00.000-07:00

The world is filled with stark contrasts. Beauty and ugliness juxtaposed, and both are subjective to ones point of view. So how do we know right from wrong when that too seems to be subjective?

I remember as a young woman thinking that children with half their teeth missing and coming in as hideous and in need of dental care. That was until my children began to loose their teeth and I understood that transition. It became a thing of beauty to me and now when I see a child with missing teeth and tooth nubs I think, "Oh how wonderful" and look upon them longingly.

For me understanding seems to be the key to seeing beauty... and if that works for me then it makes sense that it could be that way for others. The question then becomes, why are so many closed to understanding?

My friend Michael has this quote from my favorite childhood author of "Charlotte's Web" as his status on facebook.... "I arise in the morning torn between a desire to improve (or save) the world and a desire to enjoy (or savor) the world. This makes it hard to plan the day." E.B. White Yesterday I savored and enjoyed a beautiful art show, pushed aside any thoughts of poverty and pain, a world that needs healing, allowed myself the splendid moment and the day slid across my tongue like the cold coconut gelato I enjoyed the sun. I experienced the art with all of my senses and it was glorious. And I am left with the question how do I balance the two and yet be consumed by neither?

Another day, another day to learn and understand.

the world we live in and other mind blowing things

2008-08-31T04:48:00.000-07:00

I feel torn between worlds. I have always subscribed to the belief that the world inside of me does not have to reflect the world outside, and I work really hard to create an inner world of peace and love and joy.... but lately the world outside is changing something within.

Confused yet, welcome!

Everywhere I look there is a propaganda machine saying that we should hate anyone or anything that is different from us; who subscribe to a different belief system, who walk to the beat of a different drum, who look different than it's ideal, who are just not us... well it is not actually said but insidiously implied by the sound of dropping bombs on our collective enemy, who in my life time has changed multiple times, "Ah, lets turn to page 2 to see who the enemy flavour of the week is." And how do you know who is NOT us, is it the color of their skin, their religion... how am I supposed to know? Oh wait my TV will tell me, the newspaper will tell me... the machine will tell me and then keep me safe from harm as long as I keep consuming in the name of peace. I feel like I am trapped in an underground war bonds drive and no one is calling it what it is. And before I know it we have National buy in. How did this happen? Was I asleep? And now that I know, what can I do about it?

Bombing for Peace is like Fucking for Virginity!

From white sand beaches to beers from around the world

2008-08-30T12:38:00.000-07:00

Imagine a mile of white sand beach occasionally marbled with iron rich black sand, warm summer breezes, dark star-filled nights lite only by candle or fire, scrumptious food, ice cold beer and an ever changing group of amazing women friends laughing, playing word games and telling stories; and you have a glimpse into my amazing week at Debbie Eden's summer camp on Christian Island, Georgian Bay, Ontario. I had the time of my life, lying around on the warm sand, swimming in the unbelievably clear water, walking and hiking, playing bingo in the village, and all the while laughing and relaxing. This is the place the soul comes to sooth itself. There is something spectacular about line dried clothes that had been washed in the water of the lake without soap, only the motion of the waves and the white sand. They were amazingly clean. I met wonderful people, some who live there and some who also have camps and their friends. They all have one thing in common, a love of the pristine beauty of this place and a commitment to preserving it. Glorious!

And yes, I got sunburned... but it was so worth it!

Today Julie and I explored a great organic market. We shopped and ate, sampled all manner of live food dishes, melt in your mouth whole grain bread and settled on a Jamaican Roti and ice cold ginger beer for our lunch. A definite plus was the access to all manner of wholesome foods and knowledgeable people to talk to about food. I also got 4 small bags of unique sprouts to grace my sandwiches, even purple cabage ones. When leaving the market we got a coffee that was uniquely flavoured with mushrooms.... yeah me too!

After the market we stopped at the LCBO and I found the store that has everything for the beer drinker. What first caught my eye was a bottle of Polish beer that, in Ouispamsis, I could only get at the Hammond River Cafe. And there before my eyes was Beer from all over the world and oh was I tempted. We are, at this moment, sipping a cold delicious Mythos from Greece and talking about its flavour and color, it's piquant aftertaste and carbonation. Now to drink a Fiddler's Elbow from the UK.

Could turn out to be a good night.... Cheers!

dedicated to Lola, goddess of the silver screen

2008-08-14T08:19:00.000-07:00

It was a whirlwind of partying, packing and good byes.... Julie and I finally got on the road Monday afternoon... only to realize that the radio was not working... Emma had loaded my new Ipod with awesome driving tunes, and to not have tunes for days.. well that would just not do... so off to Bob Pearson Auto in Saint John and an hour later we were really on the road... also Emma loaned me her transmitter so that my Ipod can run through the car radio... it worked.. and we drove and sang and laughed... wonderful!

We stopped when we wanted to, relaxed and floated forward all under the watchful eye of Lola, Julie's new GPS.... Having her guide us made everything so much easier... and we were convinced when trying to find Gianni in downtown Montreal.... Lola guided us right to his door and right back to the highway... Lola even made the 401 feel more navigable at rush hour... We saw awesome stuff along the way.. rows of windmills, and full fields ready for harvest and lush country side and the occasional raptor of the sky... The Saint John River was swollen at the banks from the heavy rains, it's blue was deep and dark and mysterious, making the verdant fields all that much more lush looking.... I really do love New Brunswick!

In Montreal I went to see my darling friend Gianni and had a wonderful visit with him... I made a picture of he and I my profile picture... it never ceases to amaze me how, even after 5 years of not seeing one another that old familiar comfort was present and we acted like I was with him yesterday... that is what a great friendship is like.... then on to Ottawa and a great dinner and drinks with my dear friend Karl... no matter what he can make me laugh, not a chuckle, but a hearty deep belly laugh and near pee my pants hysterics.... we toured Ottawa the next day.. I took Mary to the parliament buildings (for those who do not know, I travel with Mary's small urn and we call the photos, "the traveling urn tales") and watched the changing of the guard... lots and lots of tourists... then on to Toronto.. but before we got here we spent 2 hours with Julie's Aunt Mildred... a fabulous lady with wonderful stories... be brought fresh roadside blueberry pie and coffee... an excellent visit.

I have unpacked, and not forgotten too much that I wanted to have with me for the year... and I am settling in quite nicely and just finished a tasty lunch of fresh corn on the cob, small new red potatoes and just off the vine ripe tomatoes... delicious! Off to have my tea!

Events leading up to leaving

2008-08-08T04:16:00.000-07:00

It is bittersweet, this leaving... goodbyes weigh heavy on my heart because there feels like there is so much unfinished business.... and most of it has really nothing to do with me.. but my role in the lives of others... leaving a gap in theirs leaves a gap in mine... I am really looking forward to Saturday night's party, the band is the Telecasters, the DJ my darling Cody... it should be a blast!

Julie is in Edmundston, NB, hiking today and coming here tomorrow.. I am excited to get on the road and start my journey... and as I think about it.. why I am excited to begin, when it has already begun.

Opening... a new chapter begins.

2008-08-04T07:25:00.000-07:00

We all have a before... and only we can decide that pivital moment it all changed.. some more dramatic than others. We use before as a measure of time passing, or as a means to put things behind us... I was skinny before, I was happier before, I was loved before, I was young before, I was blond before... I was whole before... Before, a word that keeps us trapped in the past, not moving forward, not healing... this is a place of healing, of sharing ideas, of moving beyond pain into healing. Welcome to my self-journey.